Freakin’….

 

 
    It's been a few days since I sat down to write here. I've had a few very busy days. But, being busy doesn't ALWAYS help. I used to think that if I kept myself busy, and active, it would help to make me feel better. Up until recently, that was true.

 
I spent most of the weekend at a hockey tournament. It was fun, it was exciting. I love watching my stepson play hockey. I've rediscovered a long lost love for watching local hockey. I used to go to plenty of local hockey games growing up. However, it seems that life seems to get in the way sometimes, and I just didn't have the time to get to more hockey games throughout the last number of years. Not to mention, (and I always seems to be harping on one specific ex-girlfriend), my ex-girlfriend, hated watching LIVE sports. Despite the fact that she was always very active, and athletic. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

 

Over the last ten or so years, I used to frequent a local watering hole. A very dear friend of mine is a DJ there. That bar was always the one gathering place where all our friends would get together. Despite having busy lives, we all knew that was the one place we could all meet, talk, and have a good time. For the past several months, I haven't been going out as often as I used to. Not just for financial reasons, but also because I just didn't want to leave the house. I've kind of 'hermatised' myself lately. I have no one to blame for that behavior but myself, and possibly the one human being on the planet who I say is solely responsible for my current mental state.

 
Needless to say, after a long day of watching hockey, I decided to go out to said watering hole. Back in the day (before my ex-girlfriend single-handedly ruined my life), I wouldn't think twice about staying at the bar all night. Until it closed down for the evening. Leaving around 3:00 AM. Then going for a coffee, or a drive with a few of my closest friends.

It's been a long time since I've done that. As a matter of fact, it's been a long time since I even stayed at that bar until after midnight. This past weekend was no different. I went, I had a beer, and managed to stay until shortly after midnight. That's it. I paid my tab, said "good-bye" to a couple people, and left. I drove home, and went straight to bed.

You'd think it would have been a good night out for me. I spoke to a couple guys I haven't seen, or spoken to for the better part of a decade. I got to see a couple of my closest friends, whom I haven't really seen or spoken to a lot lately. But, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stay. I don't know why. A panic attack, an incredibly BAD thought, and I find myself in my car, driving home.
So has been my life for the last couple of years.
I've tried to keep myself busy. I've been TRYING to do things around the house. I just don't have it in me. It's not that I'm lazy. I enjoy working, and stuff like that. I enjoy getting my hands dirty. I just don't know why I haven't been able to do that lately.
My doctor went and changed my medication, as I told you. Yeah, I feel a bit better, but it's a far fucking cry from where I was mentally and emotionally a few years ago.
Sadly, I can say that there are times when I can understand why self-harm/suicide is NOT the worst thought someone could have. I'd never act on it, but yes, I can certainly understand the thoughts.

 
Keep smiling.