Blue Christmas

So, it's a couple of days before Christmas. 
I haven't posted here in a while, (as I've been concentrating more on my other blog: stekelsview), so I thought I would write something today. 

I've been spending a lot of time researching for my other blog, and obviously not spending as much time with the people who mean the most to me. 

My wife/girlfriend just celebrated her birthday, and I was unable to give her the birthday she deserves.  Words cannot express how bad that made me feel.  Needless to say, I've been quite down about that lately. 
However, yesterday, for just a few hours, I was in the best mood I'd been in for God knows how long.  I don't know why.  It just kind of happened.  And, as quickly as the unexpected good mood came, it went.  Back to a normal/iffy feeling. 

I told you about two-ish months ago that my doctor has added a new medication to my daily cocktail; Wellbutrin.  I will admit it's helped a fair bit.  However, I also confess that I haven't been nearly as active as I should be.  But then again, that's what a New Years Resolution is all about, right?  That means, shortly before the New Year, or shortly after, I'll be off to the local YMCA to get a membership not just for me, but for our entire family.  Yep, that's the plan...  Whip all of us into better shape. 

Lest we forget: I also have a nine year old son, who for the first time in his life, I won't be seeing him on Christmas Day.  I won't be getting him until Boxing Day, until the end of The Holidays.  It'll be good.  We managed to get him all of the things he asked for, and I'm sure Santa will be getting him a few good things too.  As a matter of fact, all the kids will end up smiling quite a bit on Christmas Morning. 

Yes, this should be the happiest time of the year.  But, for many of us, it's not.  It's not that it's generally the most expensive time of year, it's often referred to as 'The Winter Blues'.    It just happens.  However, for us already suffering from Depression, it hits us a lot harder.  Unless you've dealt with it personally, you really don't understand it.  It's kind of like a drug addict - You can't understand a users mind, unless you've been down that dark road yourself. 

I'm off to see my doctor this afternoon, for another 'mental health' check-up.  I imagine it'll just be the same dong and dance as always.  He'll ask me how I am, I'll try to sugar-coat it, but he's much too smart to fall for that.  He'll then tell me I need to get more exorcise, and that it's less than a month until I finally get to see a real head-shrinker. 
I'll keep you posted, as best I can.


Keep smiling!

Santa Clause.... and SATAN

Today was the local Santa Clause parade. It's something I look forward to most years. I stood along the side of the road with my fantastic girlfriend/wife, waiting to catch a glimpse of her daughter (my step-daughter).

It was a great event. I got to see plenty of local groups, floats from local businesses, schools, and hockey teams. Watching the parade, our pockets slowly began filling with chocolates, and candy canes.

Needless to say, I was having a fantastic time.... That's until I saw HER marching in the parade. The woman who plotted against me, in the guise of being my girlfriend, and single handedly, indisputably ruined my life.

Believe me when I say this – The only thing that was stopping me from stepping out into the parade, and confronting her, was that my girlfriend/wife was with me. Otherwise, today would have ended quite differently.

Needless to say, seeing that heartless woman just made a bad situation, even worse. Due to events beyond my control, I'm unable to see my son this weekend, or take him to a bowling tournament that he's been looking forward to for well over a month. That's not saying I wasn't trying my damnedest to get to see my boy. I was. His mother on the other hand, was just fuelling the fire. By that I mean; Not doing a thing to help the situation.

So, despite having a pretty bad week emotionally, not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to get out of bed. You know those kind of days.... I've been having a week or more of those days.

So, you can only imagine how I'm feeling right now. Although, spending time with my girlfriend/wife and kids helps fantastically, I still feel like garbage.

Right now I'm sitting in a bedroom I share, alone. I'm half-assedly watching a

hockey game on television, while writing this, for you to read. That's right. It's a Saturday night, and I'm home writing this... Soon to be cleaning the house, as we're hosting a Christmas Party tomorrow. Maybe they'll cheer me up? After all, it IS the season for happiness, right?

This is an odd sensation for me. When I watch hockey games, I'm usually Tweeting like mad. I haven't even looked at Twitter yet tonight. I haven't felt this down in a long time. It's not so much the Anxiety I was suffering from a few months ago. This is flat-out Depression. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: This fucking sucks!

I will admit though, my girlfriend/wife has noticed something's wrong with me. It kind of feels good that someone cares so much, as to mention it to me, several times. Of course, I've lied to her, “nothings wrong, dear”, is my general response. But, she's a nurse, and certainly isn't dumb. She knows somethings wrong. I just have a very hard time admitting it to the people I care about, as I don't want them to worry about me.

The events of today however, has put me right over the edge. I'm still unsure if I'm more angry at my cold hearted, insensitive, emotionally detached ex-girlfriend, or, if it's just my Depression kicking into over-drive... Or both?

Keep smiling!

Again, it happens!!

    It's been a little while since I've written here.  I've had a lot of things going on in my life:  up to, but not limited to my son's mother. 
I don't want to place all the blame on her.  I know at least some of it is my fault.  My problem is:  I've been far too kind to her in the past.  Now it seems she's expecting that sort of treatment, all the time.  I've been so kind to her for one reason:  my nine year old son. 

When she decided to leave me (for a fella she met on Facebook, who left HER after just three weeks), she moved back to her hometown.  She was living there when we met, and it wasn't too far of a drive for me, to go and see my boy. 

After several failed attempts in Court (see FATHERS IN FAMILY COURT),  to have my son placed in my custody, she opted to QUIT her job, and move another hour away from me.  I agreed to that, as she promised she would drive our son to-and-from me home every-other-weekend, so I didn't have to.  Shortly after moving, her car got repossessed, so, things just went from bad, to worse, as I didn't have a car at the time. 

Needless to say, this has had quite the emotional toll on me.    At the beginning, when she had first left me for that fraud from Facebook, I didn't think much of it.  I had a good job, and a car, so I could see my boy whenever I wanted.  As a matter of fact, I can still do that now, if I don't mind driving two hours north, to spend a few hours with him, then drive another two hours back home. 

Long story short, now she wants to move him further away from me, so it seems, simply out of spite.  I pay her about 300% more in child support than the law says I should.  I give her money (claiming it's for our son), whenever she asks for it, often leaving me short on my bills, and obligations. 
Now do you see why I've been quite upset for the last few days?

Over the last month or so, I've done everything I could to make all three of the children in my life happy.  I believe I've succeeded.  That aside, I'm now getting tired of pretending to get along with my son's mother.  For his benefit, I'm nothing but kind to her, and she seems to relish in taking advantage of that. 

 So yes, this is why I haven't been writing very much lately.  My baby mama has finally gotten to me.  Not to mention my other ex-girlfriend, and the fact that I can't work, due to the fact my mental state has gone over the edge. 

Yep.  That's it. 

Keep smiling!!