Family: Nobody Love You Like We Love You...

I know I haven't posted on here in a while... Close to two years, I think.  By and large, over those two years, I've been doing pretty well.  Until yesterday.

My grandmother passed away this winter, and her internment was yesterday.  It wasn't that specifically that did me in.  It was my relatives.  You know the ones I mean.  You grow up with the cousins and aunts and uncles... You see them at minimum once every month.  Then as you grow older, it's more of a Thanksgiving, and Christmas thing.
I haven't seen many of them over the last four of five years, due to my battles with metal illness.  Brought on entirely by my fantastically simplistic ex-girlfriend. 

Leper

I thought (selfishly) that most, if not all of my relatives would be excites to see me.  Ask where I've been.  What I've been up to.  If I'm OK.  out of the forty or more that were there, just ONE came up to talk to me, to ask me all those wonderful questions a concerned relative would ask.  The rest treated me like a Leper.
It kind of pissed me off.  You know, the fact the seemed to believe what my ex-girlfriend had accused me of.

From the moment I arrived, I felt unwelcome.  I knew I had made a mistake in showing up.  But, it was for my grandmother, and I was asked to be a Pall Bearer.

I must say though, I had a pleasant conversation with my cousin and his girlfriend.  Made pans to go fishing later this year. 

I wish I had stayed longer to talk with my one cousin, but I clearly wasn't feeling the love from anyone else, with the exception on my parents and siblings.  So I made up a lame excuse to leave early.

Thinking I'd be feeling better after leaving, that turned out to be a lie. The ways my aunts, uncles and even my now grownup cousins looked at me. Avoided eye contact, and even flat out ignored me, is still eating me up inside.

I don't blame them entirely. After all, I can't control HIW they think. The lions share of the blame however doesn't even go to me. It goes to my conveniently religious ex-girlfriend, R.D.C. 

Stay strong.

Lost My Muse

I know it's been a while since I've written here.  As a matter of fact, it's been a while since I've posted on my other two blogs. 
Despite being incredibly busy lately with my wonderful girlfriend/wife, plus her

two children, and my one, I've been essentially spending the last couple of months living for those four.  I'm not complaining, it's just a fact. 

We've also been battling through some money issues (since I still cannot work), so this is the point where I humbly ask that you share this blog with all of your friends, and help support it by clicking to the right, or the bottom, please.

That being said, things are totally on track with me mentally.  I've been taking my 10mg of Cipralex, and 300mg of Wellbutrin daily now.  Along with Extra Strength Krill Oil.  I don't now what those three pills do, but whatever it is, it's working.

I won't lie, I've been a little stressed however.  Next week, my 9 year old son is going to see a specialist, and more than likely be diagnosed with Aspergers.  Which isn't a terribly bad thing.  However, I've been mentioning it for years to his mother, but she refused to get him tested.  NOW that someone through his school has mentioned it, she's decided to listen.  Make sense to you? 

But, that's neither here nor there.  I love my boy.  That's all that matters.  But, maybe now he'll get the help he needs, right?  But right now, that's the only thing that's been bothering me.  But really, it shouldn't.

I've also started exercising a bit.  Not much, though.  I'm back into walking.  I remember back when I didn't have a car, I walked everywhere.  I lived in a town of about 30,000 people, so it was big, but not too big.  I used to walk everywhere.  It was great.  I could walk almost anywhere in town in thirty minutes or less.  So, it wasn't really an inconvenience. 
When I'm at home, I'm most often doing stuff around the house.  Laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc....  So, I'm managing to keep myself busy. 

Maybe it's the Krill Oil that's giving me the extra energy?  Regardless, it feels good.  I'm not sad any-more.  I don't really feel 'Depressed'.  I suppose that's a

good thing.  But, I will endeavour to write here as often as I can.  I know for a fact that there are people who read this blog and use it as a crutch, or as motivation to seek the help they need.  To start talking about it.  Which really is the goal here. 

I highly recommend trying the Krill Oil to help boost your mood, and give yourself some energy.  You don't need a prescription for it.  You can find it in any drug store.  Don't replace your medication with the Krill Oil, take it in conjunction with your current medications. 
Hey, it's worth a try, isn't it? 

Keep smiling!

Adjustment Disorder? WTF?

I know it's been a while since I've posted here. I've been pretty busy with my other site, StekelsView Trying to get more and more hits there, and writing about all the events that have been happening in France, lately.

Well, that's just one of the reasons I haven't been posting here. The other (and more important) reason is: I was afraid to write here. The truth is, I've been feeling quite down, lately. As I told you in previous posts, I'm no longer going to work. Not because I don't want to go, but because I can't go. Believe me, I'd work if I could. Running low on money is never a good thing. My Employment Insurance has run out, and God only knows if I'll get WSIB to pay me, or if I'll qualify for ODSP. So, those are a couple of the things that are bringing me down.

I've also found out not too long ago that my son's mother wants to move about 200 KM from where they currently live, into a city with a population of over two million. They currently live in a town with a population of about sixteen

thousand. I can't stop her from moving, but I have the power to stop my nine year old son. However, if my son had his choice, there is NO doubt in my mind, (and he's said as much to me), that he would choose to live here with me, my girlfriend/wife, and her two children.

The problem with stopping my son from moving is simple: I'll likely have to take his mother to court, and, par for the course with regards to Family Court here in Ontario: fathers have little to NO rights, regardless of their situation.

Needless to say, I've done my best to put on a brave face. I've acted as 'normal' as I could.

I even chickened out going to see my therapist a couple of weeks ago.

However, today I had a 'telehealth' appointment with a REAL psychiatrist out of Toronto. Apparently I'm neither Depressed or Anxious. I just have 'Adjustment Disorder'. Whatever the Hell that is?

She told me I should start a 'back to work' plan. I don't know, man. I don't know if I can do it. I still don't know if it's the place I work specifically, or just the concept of working? Either way, when I think about it, I get anxious as all Hell!

Regardless, I'm doing the best I can. I'm trying to remain calm. I'm working on my breathing. I'm doing my best (most of the time) at being a happy 'housewife'. However, more often than not, so it's beginning to seem, the demons get the best of me, and I am absolutely useless around the house. Even when home alone. I know I should do something around the house. I honestly don't mind cooking and/or cleaning. I like to live in a clean house. With two teenagers though, as you well know, it can be quite a challenge.

I know that there are many people out there, some professionals in the Mental Health field that will disagree with this statement but: I 100%, fully, completely, absolutely and wholeheartedly blame my ex-girlfriend for my current mental state.

My girlfriend/wife is doing the best she can, to put the pieces back together, that my ex-girlfriend shattered.

Keep smiling!

Again, it happens!!

    It's been a little while since I've written here.  I've had a lot of things going on in my life:  up to, but not limited to my son's mother. 
I don't want to place all the blame on her.  I know at least some of it is my fault.  My problem is:  I've been far too kind to her in the past.  Now it seems she's expecting that sort of treatment, all the time.  I've been so kind to her for one reason:  my nine year old son. 

When she decided to leave me (for a fella she met on Facebook, who left HER after just three weeks), she moved back to her hometown.  She was living there when we met, and it wasn't too far of a drive for me, to go and see my boy. 

After several failed attempts in Court (see FATHERS IN FAMILY COURT),  to have my son placed in my custody, she opted to QUIT her job, and move another hour away from me.  I agreed to that, as she promised she would drive our son to-and-from me home every-other-weekend, so I didn't have to.  Shortly after moving, her car got repossessed, so, things just went from bad, to worse, as I didn't have a car at the time. 

Needless to say, this has had quite the emotional toll on me.    At the beginning, when she had first left me for that fraud from Facebook, I didn't think much of it.  I had a good job, and a car, so I could see my boy whenever I wanted.  As a matter of fact, I can still do that now, if I don't mind driving two hours north, to spend a few hours with him, then drive another two hours back home. 

Long story short, now she wants to move him further away from me, so it seems, simply out of spite.  I pay her about 300% more in child support than the law says I should.  I give her money (claiming it's for our son), whenever she asks for it, often leaving me short on my bills, and obligations. 
Now do you see why I've been quite upset for the last few days?

Over the last month or so, I've done everything I could to make all three of the children in my life happy.  I believe I've succeeded.  That aside, I'm now getting tired of pretending to get along with my son's mother.  For his benefit, I'm nothing but kind to her, and she seems to relish in taking advantage of that. 

 So yes, this is why I haven't been writing very much lately.  My baby mama has finally gotten to me.  Not to mention my other ex-girlfriend, and the fact that I can't work, due to the fact my mental state has gone over the edge. 

Yep.  That's it. 

Keep smiling!!

Back In The Saddle

Life just seems to be getting better and better for me.  I'm back to work now, after a week off for the summer shutdown.  Despite missing my family (I kind of got used to being around them all week), I'm enjoying being back, and making money. 

My little boy is off to sleep-away camp for this week, and I know his mom misses him terribly, and I miss talking to him on the phone.  But you know what?  He's having a great time there! 
He went to that camp for the first time last summer, and he absolutely loved it.  I'm sure he'll have just as much, if not more fun this time around.  He's eight years old, after all.  What ISN'T fun about camping, at that age?


I also had a few minor hiccups this past week or so, with someone whom I thought I could trust.  Turns out that yet again, I made a mistake.  That isn't as much as a shock as it might have been a while ago,  It

turns out, I'm not as infallible as I thought I was.  But you know what?  Fuck it.  Life's too short to worry about other people actions.  I'm in this for ME, and my nearest and dearest friends and family.  No one else. There are currently just four people (excluding blood relatives) that mean the world to me.  I know at least two of them regularly read this blog, so there is no need to name them. 

Now back to my original point:  Life for me has been nearly perfect these last few months.  I am keeping myself busy, and spending as much of my time as I can with my son, and my new family. 

When suffering from Depression, it's important to keep yourself going.  Be active.  Be busy.  Don't dwell in those dark places.  Try to stay positive.  The more you talk about your illness, the more you will mock it, and those shadows will become brighter.  Eventually you'll be living in your own light.  Without the darkness and sorrow that this particular form of mental illness brings with it. 
If need be, speak to your doctor.  Believe me when I say this - Most doctors know a LOT more about mental illnesses than you do.  And, if they don't, they'll be more than happy to refer you to someone who does.  There is always more than ONE way out of a room.  Keep that in mind.

Keep smiling!!

Teaser.....

Here's a bit of a teaser for you.  Believe it or not, I spent most of today in front of my laptop, and this is all I could string together.  It's harder than I thought, and clearly, not as painless as I had anticipated.

Please keep in mind, that this is a FICTIONAL work. 
When everything is said and done, I'll have the link for you to read/purchase the finished product.

The prologue:

September 9^th, 2009 was said to be the happiest day of his life. Tom Dawson and Ashley D'Ambrosio were newlyweds. Everything in their lives were now perfect. Everything was complete. They were both ready and clearly willing to spend the rest of their lives together.

However, less that two short years later, on June 28^th, 2011, Tom's life would change. Ashley had decided to leave him, for a long lost ex-boyfriend. The following days weren't pretty. Not really knowing where Ashley had gone, or why she chose to leave so shortly after moving perplexed him.

Falling on the old fail-safe of his past life, he found that void temporarily in the arms of woman after woman, after woman.

But, that's not what this story is about. It's about one particular woman. A woman who saw Tom's vulnerability and kindness, then took careful aim, and took full advantage of it, then threw him under the bus.

Still Going Up

In my last post, I said that I just KNEW another dark day was going to find me....  But, today wasn't that day!  I woke up from a GREAT sleep, and had a FANTASTIC day at work.  On top of all that, my parents are finally home from their two month vacation to the semi-warm south.


My wonderful girlfriend is seemingly getting more fantastic, and just plain 'fucking awesome' everyday.  She keeps going above and beyond the role of a simple girlfriend.  I'm pretty sure she's a keeper.  Or, maybe it's just because my previous girlfriend was such a terror?

Nevertheless, my life has been doing nothing but going uphill lately.  A HUGE reason for that is the positive energy that's always flowing around me.  Be it the guys at work, or my girlfriend and her kids, or, talking to, and seeing my son on a regular basis.

I really can't remember what a 'bad day' feels like.  I hope I never have to deal with those demons again, but like rain, it'll inevitably happen.

However, right now, I'm just focusing on the present.  The positive things going on in my life.  I'm still waking up nearly every morning, with a quick shot of fear, briefly wondering what sort of day I'm going to have.  In nearly a nanosecond, I know the answer.  For the last, I don't know how long, it's been a GOOD DAY.

Despite still having to deal with the actions of my past girlfriend daily, (which

isn't always as easy as I make it seem), I get by.  I try not to dwell on the darkness she willingly cast on my life.  But, that being said, I have always had one very bright shining star in that darkness, and now I have three more. 
So yes, life is looking pretty F'ing good right now. I have a good job, a wonderful and loving family (new and old) , and the dark days are becoming few and far between. 


Keep smiling!!

Movin' On Up

So, life really can't get much better for me.  I have a FANTASTIC girlfriend, for starters.  Not only is she completely supportive of me, she is for all intents and purposes, the PERFECT match for me.

Last week, I went out and bought a car.  A brand new, 2014 Honda CR-V. 

I also told you a couple weeks ago, that I started a new job?  Well, to quote George Jefferson, "I'm movin' on up".  I was asked to start training this coming weekend, for an ever so slight promotion.  But promotion nonetheless.  I also got to spend this passed weekend with my son.  You should have seen how excited he looked, when I rolled up in my new CR-V. 

Needless to say, my life is looking pretty damn perfect right now.  Despite the fact that on occasion, I'm still haunted by the choices and actions of my psycho ex-girlfriend.  She just doesn't seem to think long term.  But, that's all in the past, and, you all will get an opportunity to read about those misadventures, once I find time to sit, and finish a FACTUAL story inspired by said ex-girlfriend.

That's water under the bridge for now. 
I'm still enjoying all the time I get to spend with my girlfriend, and her family.  I feel so lucky and blessed to be a part of their lives.

As I said in earlier posts, my life just keeps getting better and better.  However, I am 100% certain a dark day will find me again.  It's on those days that I draw strength from you.  If you read what I have to say, and know the feelings I'm having, then say something.  Send me an e-mail, or a comment on here.  It's the 'Mental Health Stygma' that's stopping people from talking.  Hell, just do this.  Just write a blog.  Share your feelings with complete strangers.  Believe me, it helps.
If you don't want to talk to strangers, then turn to a friend.  You won't be judged.  And, chances are, they'll understand because they are, or know someone (else) who's going through what you're going through.


Until next time:  KEEP SMILING!!!!