What Depression Is Really Like

 
    Today is Bell Let's Talk Day. I told you yesterday that I look forward to this day all year long. I don't really know why that is exactly. I imagine it's because it helps me not feel so alone. Despite the fact that I know there are loads of people out there who also suffer from different forms of Mental Illnesses, no one really talks about it.

Then again, that's what today is all about, isn't it? People talking about Mental Illness? I don't think there's so much of a stigma surrounding Mental Health, more like it's 'taboo' to talk about it in polite company. Kind of like religion, and sex.
I don't get it. People talk about most other forms of illness publicly. Why not Mental Health issues? Is that because people who don't suffer from it think it's something we can control? Like our mood, or hair colour?
It's not. If I could control the way my brain works, I would. If I could control how I feel, I would. Yes, some people have a short temper, and 'lose control' from time to time. But I argue, you can CONTROL your anger. At least much more than people like me can control their thoughts, and feelings. Before I became affected with this 'condition', when I met someone who suffered from Depression, I would ask myself "Why don't they just smile and cheer up?" But, after my experiences with my own mental health issues, I now know the answer to that question: "They would if they could". I would if I could, too.

 

After all, tomorrow is the ONE DAY out of the year, we're supposed to talk about it. To make it more of a mainstream topic of conversation. Why only talk about it for one day? Why not a week? Why not longer? Hell, Cancer has a whole 'Awareness Month'. Why don't we?
I don't know about you, but I am always talking about Mental Health. If not verbally with people, I'm certainly on here talking with all of you about it pretty regularly. True, there are some days I don't feel like writing, or talking, or even getting out of bed. However, there are also days that I have so much energy, I could do anything. Those are often my cleaning the house, doing the dishes, etc… days. Those are great days. I love those types of days. They are very few and far between, though.
Now that I'm slowly coming off my current medications, and have yet to start my new ones, I'm having a few days of total clarity. It's both a good, and a bad thing. The good part about it is: My brain isn't clouded by the mind altering chemicals I've been taking for a number of years now. The bad part is, I'm scared shitless.

It's like I'm walking on eggshells. Right now, I feel 'OK'. In 10 minutes, I don't know how I'll feel. If I stand up the wrong way? Or see something on TV? Or hear something on the radio? It's likely going to send me right off the deep end, straight down into the dark with the demons. That's what I live with every minute of every day. Maybe the new medication will be the 'magic bullet' I need? I'm aware I've been quite 'manic' over the last number of years. I've had my peaks and valleys. It really sucks. Most days I wake up, and don't know what sort of day it's going to be until after I shower, or after I take my pills, or even longer.
I long for the days when I woke up, and didn't have to think about that. That a good day or bad day didn't depend on the chemical balance in my brain, but on more natural things. Like the 'normal' people have.

 
That's what it's like living with Depression.