On Top Of The Hill

I know, I know... It's been quite a long time since I've posted on here.  The reason for that is simple: I've been on top of the world for the last couple of months.  I haven't had a single BAD day.  Maybe it's the Krill Oil I've been taking?  Maybe

I'm just in a fantastic place in my life..... FINALLY.  Or maybe, just maybe, shit is finally good for me?  Reallky, I don't know, and I don't care.  I just knwo I've been feeling fantastic for the last couple of months. As a result, I don't plan on changing things in my life right now.  Shit's good, so let's keep it good.

Also, over the last month or so, I've decided to try out my Green Thumb.  I've planted several different vegetables in my two gardens, and am currently hoping for the best.  The only veggies that seem to be showing any growth thus far is my pumpkins.  That's likely because I planted them about six weeks ago in my greenhouse, since they have such a long growing time. 
I'll keep you posted on my vegetables... Not to worry.

It's been 4 1/2 years since I was officially diagnosed with Depression/Anxiety.  I tell ya', it's been a long, and bumpy ride.  Some days are UPS, other days are DOWNS.  You just learn to deal with it, with your various coping mechanisms.  That's what I did.  There was a time, not too long ago, that I swore up and down that I would never take mind-altering drugs.  But, look at me, I've been on Cipralex for three years, and Welbutrin for about 8 months.  I'm feeling 110% now. 

I still have an unnatural phobia about going back to my old job.  However, I've

been looking around locally, and have even heard back from a place this morning.  It's not much, but at least I'm LOOKING, right?  I suppose it's time for me to find out if it's actual work I'm afraid of, or my old job, specifically. But first, I think I'll need to get the job, 'eh?  I'll keep you posted, as soon as I know.  I promise this time. 

Aside from making a weak attempt at trying to go back to work, I'm still thoroughly enjoying being a Domestic Engineer.  Cleaning, relaxing, being a

chauffeur, and all around keeping myself busy.  
The downside of going back to work is, I won't always be home to cook dinner, or spend as much time with my fantastically awesome girlfriend, and kids.  The upside however is, more money.  However, the fact that I'm working may make it harder and harder to get approve for, and collect ODSP.


Keep smiling!

What Depression Is Really Like

 
    Today is Bell Let's Talk Day. I told you yesterday that I look forward to this day all year long. I don't really know why that is exactly. I imagine it's because it helps me not feel so alone. Despite the fact that I know there are loads of people out there who also suffer from different forms of Mental Illnesses, no one really talks about it.

Then again, that's what today is all about, isn't it? People talking about Mental Illness? I don't think there's so much of a stigma surrounding Mental Health, more like it's 'taboo' to talk about it in polite company. Kind of like religion, and sex.
I don't get it. People talk about most other forms of illness publicly. Why not Mental Health issues? Is that because people who don't suffer from it think it's something we can control? Like our mood, or hair colour?
It's not. If I could control the way my brain works, I would. If I could control how I feel, I would. Yes, some people have a short temper, and 'lose control' from time to time. But I argue, you can CONTROL your anger. At least much more than people like me can control their thoughts, and feelings. Before I became affected with this 'condition', when I met someone who suffered from Depression, I would ask myself "Why don't they just smile and cheer up?" But, after my experiences with my own mental health issues, I now know the answer to that question: "They would if they could". I would if I could, too.

 

After all, tomorrow is the ONE DAY out of the year, we're supposed to talk about it. To make it more of a mainstream topic of conversation. Why only talk about it for one day? Why not a week? Why not longer? Hell, Cancer has a whole 'Awareness Month'. Why don't we?
I don't know about you, but I am always talking about Mental Health. If not verbally with people, I'm certainly on here talking with all of you about it pretty regularly. True, there are some days I don't feel like writing, or talking, or even getting out of bed. However, there are also days that I have so much energy, I could do anything. Those are often my cleaning the house, doing the dishes, etc… days. Those are great days. I love those types of days. They are very few and far between, though.
Now that I'm slowly coming off my current medications, and have yet to start my new ones, I'm having a few days of total clarity. It's both a good, and a bad thing. The good part about it is: My brain isn't clouded by the mind altering chemicals I've been taking for a number of years now. The bad part is, I'm scared shitless.

It's like I'm walking on eggshells. Right now, I feel 'OK'. In 10 minutes, I don't know how I'll feel. If I stand up the wrong way? Or see something on TV? Or hear something on the radio? It's likely going to send me right off the deep end, straight down into the dark with the demons. That's what I live with every minute of every day. Maybe the new medication will be the 'magic bullet' I need? I'm aware I've been quite 'manic' over the last number of years. I've had my peaks and valleys. It really sucks. Most days I wake up, and don't know what sort of day it's going to be until after I shower, or after I take my pills, or even longer.
I long for the days when I woke up, and didn't have to think about that. That a good day or bad day didn't depend on the chemical balance in my brain, but on more natural things. Like the 'normal' people have.

 
That's what it's like living with Depression.

 

Bullies & Changes

Not to mention that problems regarding my nine year old son.  He currently lives with his mother, about 200 KM north of me.  For the last three or four years, he's been getting bullied at school.  Two days ago, he came home to his mother with a shiner he received at school.   

OK, so here's my situation.  As I told you the other day, I went to see a psychiatrist through the OTN.  She went and changed all the medications I'm on.  She's weaning me off Cipralex and Wellbutrin, and putting my on Zoloft.  Really, I don't get it.  According to this shrink, the Cipralex and the Wellbutrin aren't working.  However, one of the side-effects of Welbutrin is to stop smoking.  I can honestly say, I haven't had a cigarette in three months.  I suppose that's something, 'eh? 

So, I started weaning myself off the Cipralex and Wellbutrin this morning.  Half a dose of each.  Maybe it's all in my head *sic* or it is really happening, but I can already feel a difference in myself.  I'm feeling less and less like myself as the day progresses.  Is that supposed to be happening already? 

True, the last few months I've been feeling down, much more often than I've been feeling up.  I'm trying to stay active.  Trying to stay busy around the house.  But really, nothing seems to be making much of a difference.  Maybe the Zoloft WILL work?  However, the last person I know that was switched from Cipralex to Zoloft was my now ex-wife.  Apparently it cleared her mind enough to make her think she didn't want to be with me any more, instead went to her ex-boyfriend.   

I've also been really thinking about trying to go back to work.  I will honestly tell you that I do miss it.  However, I don't think I actually could do it.  I know I'm fully

capable of doing my job.  I just don't know if I could bring myself to actually go.  Know what I mean?   

So yes, those thoughts have been weighing quite heavily on me.  Also causing much anxiety and several panic-attacks.  See my problem?  I just don't know what to do.  There inlays the root of my problems.   

Personally, I'd like to walk into his school, pick him up, and bring him back here with me.  I'm certain he'd be fine with that, but his mother may have different plans.  I need advise ASAP!  I'm meeting with his principal on Monday! 

Keep smiling!