Changing The World.....

So, yesterday was my Birthday.  I turned 37.  It's hard to believe that so much shit has happened to me in those 37 years.  It's also hard to believe that I'm having such issues in my life, for being the ripe old age of 37. 

                                                                                                                                     

It's also come to my attention that my inability to work due to my mental issues is taking it's toll not just on me, but to everyone around me.  Not that I'm home all the time, but financially. 

I just don't know what to do.  I know there are a tonne of options out there, such as government funding, etc.  But, the unfortunate part about it is:  They don't view Depression as a disability.  So, it would be like jumping through hoops, just to get an adjudicator to listen to my case.
I WANT to work, I'm just not able to.
I know there are millions of people out there that say that.  I would argue that the majority of them are just lazy.  But, there are the people like me.  The ones who want to to work.  The ones who are physically able to work.  But just aren't mentally able to.  I know, that since you're reading this post, you can understand and even empathise with my situation.  Unfortunately, this argument falls on deaf ears when it comes to the people that matter.  the ones who can make the decisions, and affect change.  Those are our politicians.  

I was recently talking with a young lady I used to go to church with in my youth.  She is having the exact same problems I'm having. She also suffers from Depression.  Unlike me, she is able to work, but just minimal hours.  Because she is able to work a very small amount, our lovely government will NOT support her. 

Recently, there was a Mental Health Awareness Day, promoted by Bell Canada.  Their promotion was to raise money, and raise awareness about Mental Health.  In just ONE DAY, they raise more money for Mental Health initiatives than the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT gives to Mental Health in an entire year. 

It's makes my stomach turn when I see a telephone company doing more for the 1-in-5 Canadians that suffer from Mental Health issues, than our elected officials. 

Let's take a quick look at how SERIOUS our leaders are about Mental Illnesses:


January - Alzheimer's Awareness Month

February - Heart Month

March - Childhood Arthritis Month

April - Dental Health Month

May - Medic Alert Month

June - ALS Awareness Month

July - NOTHING

August - NOTHING

September - Men's Cancer Health Awareness Month

October - Autism Awareness Month
(Oct 4 - Oct10) - Mental Illness Awareness Week

November - Diabetes Month

December - NOTHING

I would argue that 1-in-5 Canadians who suffer from some form of Mental Illness deserves a lot more than one week in October from our Federal Government, and one day in January or February from a local phone company.  Don't you?

The bottom line is:  There is almost NO funding for people who suffer from mental illnesses.  People who are unable to work due to their mental illness need to jump through some serious hoops to be heard, and then ultimately denied funding. 

I want to work.  I just can't.  Help me support myself and my family, or give me the resources to be able to go back to work!

Freakin’….

 

 
    It's been a few days since I sat down to write here. I've had a few very busy days. But, being busy doesn't ALWAYS help. I used to think that if I kept myself busy, and active, it would help to make me feel better. Up until recently, that was true.

 
I spent most of the weekend at a hockey tournament. It was fun, it was exciting. I love watching my stepson play hockey. I've rediscovered a long lost love for watching local hockey. I used to go to plenty of local hockey games growing up. However, it seems that life seems to get in the way sometimes, and I just didn't have the time to get to more hockey games throughout the last number of years. Not to mention, (and I always seems to be harping on one specific ex-girlfriend), my ex-girlfriend, hated watching LIVE sports. Despite the fact that she was always very active, and athletic. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

 

Over the last ten or so years, I used to frequent a local watering hole. A very dear friend of mine is a DJ there. That bar was always the one gathering place where all our friends would get together. Despite having busy lives, we all knew that was the one place we could all meet, talk, and have a good time. For the past several months, I haven't been going out as often as I used to. Not just for financial reasons, but also because I just didn't want to leave the house. I've kind of 'hermatised' myself lately. I have no one to blame for that behavior but myself, and possibly the one human being on the planet who I say is solely responsible for my current mental state.

 
Needless to say, after a long day of watching hockey, I decided to go out to said watering hole. Back in the day (before my ex-girlfriend single-handedly ruined my life), I wouldn't think twice about staying at the bar all night. Until it closed down for the evening. Leaving around 3:00 AM. Then going for a coffee, or a drive with a few of my closest friends.

It's been a long time since I've done that. As a matter of fact, it's been a long time since I even stayed at that bar until after midnight. This past weekend was no different. I went, I had a beer, and managed to stay until shortly after midnight. That's it. I paid my tab, said "good-bye" to a couple people, and left. I drove home, and went straight to bed.

You'd think it would have been a good night out for me. I spoke to a couple guys I haven't seen, or spoken to for the better part of a decade. I got to see a couple of my closest friends, whom I haven't really seen or spoken to a lot lately. But, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stay. I don't know why. A panic attack, an incredibly BAD thought, and I find myself in my car, driving home.
So has been my life for the last couple of years.
I've tried to keep myself busy. I've been TRYING to do things around the house. I just don't have it in me. It's not that I'm lazy. I enjoy working, and stuff like that. I enjoy getting my hands dirty. I just don't know why I haven't been able to do that lately.
My doctor went and changed my medication, as I told you. Yeah, I feel a bit better, but it's a far fucking cry from where I was mentally and emotionally a few years ago.
Sadly, I can say that there are times when I can understand why self-harm/suicide is NOT the worst thought someone could have. I'd never act on it, but yes, I can certainly understand the thoughts.

 
Keep smiling.

Stuck In The Middle

 
    The last week or so hasn't been the best week. Not that I'm having issues with my head, but because everyone else around me is having problems. Not specifically mentally. More hormonally, or stress related. I really can't say for 100% certainty, but I'd wager some money on it.

 
I've also spent the last year or so, but more recently the last couple of weeks trying to find the time AND courage to finally sit down and write. Not just blog, but to sit down, and write a gut-wrenching tale, that will likely be the most painful, and pleasurable thing I'll ever write.
It seems the only time I can find is when I'm lying in bed, in the middle of the night. I'd absolutely love to get up and start writing, but I don't want to wake up my girlfriend/wife, or anyone else in the house, for that matter.
When I find myself at home throughout the day, I just don't have it in me to sit, and commit the time I need. I suppose my former life (up all night and sleeping most days) truly is what I need. The most unfortunate part is: No one else in my house is quite as nocturnal as I am. Maybe someday in the near future I'll convince myself to do just that.

 
Now that I'm slowly getting used to taking my new meds (Zoloft), I'm finding that I have a bit of a temper. Like I said previously, this is a foreign feeling for me. I NEVER get angry. I don't even get upset. So, when I find myself blowing up at the simplest of things, I'm taken aback. Why is this happening to me? Why do I feel this way?

 
I'm sitting here in front of my computer, with a million things to write down, and to share. It's all in my head, but none of it wants to come out of me. I suppose this is called "Writer's block"? Or, is it something a little more sinister? I don't know.

 
Keep smiling!