Stuck In The Middle

 
    The last week or so hasn't been the best week. Not that I'm having issues with my head, but because everyone else around me is having problems. Not specifically mentally. More hormonally, or stress related. I really can't say for 100% certainty, but I'd wager some money on it.

 
I've also spent the last year or so, but more recently the last couple of weeks trying to find the time AND courage to finally sit down and write. Not just blog, but to sit down, and write a gut-wrenching tale, that will likely be the most painful, and pleasurable thing I'll ever write.
It seems the only time I can find is when I'm lying in bed, in the middle of the night. I'd absolutely love to get up and start writing, but I don't want to wake up my girlfriend/wife, or anyone else in the house, for that matter.
When I find myself at home throughout the day, I just don't have it in me to sit, and commit the time I need. I suppose my former life (up all night and sleeping most days) truly is what I need. The most unfortunate part is: No one else in my house is quite as nocturnal as I am. Maybe someday in the near future I'll convince myself to do just that.

 
Now that I'm slowly getting used to taking my new meds (Zoloft), I'm finding that I have a bit of a temper. Like I said previously, this is a foreign feeling for me. I NEVER get angry. I don't even get upset. So, when I find myself blowing up at the simplest of things, I'm taken aback. Why is this happening to me? Why do I feel this way?

 
I'm sitting here in front of my computer, with a million things to write down, and to share. It's all in my head, but none of it wants to come out of me. I suppose this is called "Writer's block"? Or, is it something a little more sinister? I don't know.

 
Keep smiling!

 

Bullies & Changes

Not to mention that problems regarding my nine year old son.  He currently lives with his mother, about 200 KM north of me.  For the last three or four years, he's been getting bullied at school.  Two days ago, he came home to his mother with a shiner he received at school.   

OK, so here's my situation.  As I told you the other day, I went to see a psychiatrist through the OTN.  She went and changed all the medications I'm on.  She's weaning me off Cipralex and Wellbutrin, and putting my on Zoloft.  Really, I don't get it.  According to this shrink, the Cipralex and the Wellbutrin aren't working.  However, one of the side-effects of Welbutrin is to stop smoking.  I can honestly say, I haven't had a cigarette in three months.  I suppose that's something, 'eh? 

So, I started weaning myself off the Cipralex and Wellbutrin this morning.  Half a dose of each.  Maybe it's all in my head *sic* or it is really happening, but I can already feel a difference in myself.  I'm feeling less and less like myself as the day progresses.  Is that supposed to be happening already? 

True, the last few months I've been feeling down, much more often than I've been feeling up.  I'm trying to stay active.  Trying to stay busy around the house.  But really, nothing seems to be making much of a difference.  Maybe the Zoloft WILL work?  However, the last person I know that was switched from Cipralex to Zoloft was my now ex-wife.  Apparently it cleared her mind enough to make her think she didn't want to be with me any more, instead went to her ex-boyfriend.   

I've also been really thinking about trying to go back to work.  I will honestly tell you that I do miss it.  However, I don't think I actually could do it.  I know I'm fully

capable of doing my job.  I just don't know if I could bring myself to actually go.  Know what I mean?   

So yes, those thoughts have been weighing quite heavily on me.  Also causing much anxiety and several panic-attacks.  See my problem?  I just don't know what to do.  There inlays the root of my problems.   

Personally, I'd like to walk into his school, pick him up, and bring him back here with me.  I'm certain he'd be fine with that, but his mother may have different plans.  I need advise ASAP!  I'm meeting with his principal on Monday! 

Keep smiling!  

Garbage Day

So, today started out pretty normally for me.  The kids went to school, and the girlfriend/wife went to work.  Pretty regular, 'eh?

After I was home, and everyone had gone out for their daily duties, I needed to phone my doctor.  I needed him to fill out some asinine forms for my work (since I've been off for almost a month now). 
Since the nurse at my work doesn't seem to know how to properly operate a FAX machine, and failed to FAX said forms to my doctor, she instead had to send them to me, so I could hand deliver these silly forms to my doctor for her.
So, I drove the twenty minutes to my doctor's office to hand deliver these forms that the nurse at my work failed to send, and hoped that my doctor could fill them out for me, so I could hand deliver them to the said nurse.
Yes, the nurse at my work wants to see me once a week, to see how I'm progressing.

In a phone call to her, I mentioned that my doctor suggested this may be related to an injury I sustained at work about a month and a half ago, and that he'd like to try to get things handled through the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board, she said, and I quote, "I'd like to see how he's going to do that.  If that's the case, I'll have you into work tonight on modified duties". 
I suppose she missed the day in 'Nurse School' when they were teaching them all about mental health.   The issue isn't not being able to work.  I'm pretty physically fit, and I know I can do my job.  The issue is being there.  However, I don't know why.
I have a good job, an easy job, and work with great people.

Even driving there today with my girlfriend/wife, (though, I'm not sure if she noticed), I was incredibly uncomfortable throughout most of the drive there.  I was tense, and a million things were going through my mind.  Most learned people would call that a Panic Attack. 
That's exactly what it was.  Even just sitting in the nurses office at work, I wanted to be anywhere else.  It felt as though I was sitting at the gates of Hell, just waiting to walk through. 

The trouble with mental health issues is, unless you've been personally affected by it in some way, you just don't understand it. 
Despite all this Bell Let's Talk campaign, All the press Robin Williams' death has had, and all the hard work on Mental Health that Michael Landsberg has done, not enough people (particularly in the Health Care field) no enough or anything about Mental Health.



I'm not angry.  I'm simply upset because the people who should know best what it is that I'm dealing with, are either ignorant, or very apathetic about this issue. 

So that's my day in a nutshell.  Now I'm off to spend the rest of the evening with my fantastic girlfriend/wife.

Keep smiling!!

Follow-up Exam

As requested by my doctor, I went for a 'follow-up' appointment today, with regards to the increase in my medication, and how I'm feeling over all.  Turns out I'm worse.  My doctor wants me off work for at least another month. 
I spoke with the nurse at my work, and it doesn't seems as though they want me off.  They want me back to work, and/or a detailed outline from my doctor saying what steps he's taking to have me in shape for work again.  To be honest, I don't know if that day will be anytime in the near future. 

So now I'm getting pressure from work, despite the fact I'm doing my best to try to feel better, and my doctor is doing everything he can to get me the help I need.  I want to be able to work.  To feel useful.  To contribute to my family.  I just cannot do that right now.  I don't know why.  I don't really care why.  I just want to get better!

While I was at my doctor's this morning, I filled out another 'Anxiety questionnaire' thing, and I scored off the charts.  A much higher score than last time.  Which means I'm much worse off than the last time I filled out that questionnaire. 

To be honest with you folks, when I'm home with my family, I feel fine.  Almost NORMAL.  The thought of going to work, or not being around my loved ones, almost brings me to tears.

You should have seen me this morning, driving to my doctor's.  I was shaking, and didn't want to go.  Simply because I was petrified he'd tell me I was good to go back to work.  Yes, I had a panic attack while driving.  Trust me, it's not the most wonderful of situations.  Not to mention how uncomfortable I felt sitting in the waiting room. 
Again, panic attacks are new to me.  I still don't know how to handle them.  I suppose I should have pulled over, but I was going to be late for my appointment.  Plus, the nurse at work was on my back to get information from my doctor to her.  Fuck!  Doesn't she understand I don't want to go there?  The whole reason I'm not there is because I physically CAN'T go.  I don't know why.  Do you?

Keep smiling!

LTD....?

As I posted a few days ago, I was having a pretty rough time.  As a result, I went to see my doctor yesterday (for a follow-up on my medication change/increase). 
As it turns out, I suppose my doctor didn't like the answers I was giving him to specific questions, and as a result, placed me on LTD (Long Term Disability).  That means NO work for me, for the foreseeable future. 

That's no so bad, as there are a lot of things I can do around the house (as we recently moved).

However, once done doing what needs to be done around the house, I'm at a loss for things to do.

Emotionally, I'm fine.  However, the thought of going to work scares the shit out of me.  Which is odd.  I like my job, a well trained monkey could do my job.  I like the people that I work with, and all-around enjoy my job.  However, the simple thought of going there creates HUGE anxiety, and I don't want to go.  I don't know why.  So much so, that last Tuesday, I even turned around, and came home, after getting about half-way to work.  On Wednesday, I managed to get to work, but left after just two hours. 

I can't explain it.  Neither can my doctor, which is probably why he referred mt to a therapist.  I got in pretty quickly too:  Tomorrow.  Maybe that means he's really concerned?

So, a run-down of my last few weeks:

• A few weeks ago, I started to feel a bit down.  So much so, that my girlfriend and kids noticed.
• I still went to work, but wasn't entirely feeling like my mind wasn't in the game, if you know what I mean? 
• Last Monday, I called off work, because I just couldn't go.
• The next day, Tuesday, I made it half-way to work, then turned around, and came home.
• The following day, Wednesday, I made it to work.  The moment I got there, I knew I shouldn't be there.  So, I left after about two hours and twenty minutes into my shift.  

• The next morning, I called my doctor, and was seen by him that afternoon.  He then doubled the dose of Cipralex (now 20mg a day), that I'm taking.  He also wrote a note for my work, excusing me from work for that whole week.

That brings us to Monday (yesterday), and me sitting at home, writing a post for you to read, and/or comment on/share.

So now our house only has ONE income, as we're trying to figure out if I am eligible to receive ODSP or CDP. The trouble being:  I don't know yet if I'm off work indefinitely, or just temporarily. 

I guess now it's just a waiting game.  I'll be sure to keep you all posted.

Keep smiling! 

Double Dose

As I posted yesterday: Days From Hell, pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately.

I've decided to take the rest of the week off work (yes I have a doctor's note), and have had my prescription for Cipralex DOUBLED, to 20 mg.  Maybe that'll do the job, maybe not?

After visiting with my doctor this morning, it turns out that I'm more anxious, than anything.  I can't explain it.  It's been my experience though, that saying

someone is anxious, or nervous, is just like saying "We don't know what the Hell is wrong, so here's more drugs".

As I've written several times in my other blog,  MY WORLD, I'm not a big fan of SSRI's, or any other mind-altering psychotropic drug, for that matter.  

I don't understand why I'm axious.  I have a good job.  I like the people that I work with.  It's an easy job, really.  Hell, even a well trained monkey could do what I do.  I suppose that's one of the reason's why it's called 'unskilled labour'?

I have a great home life.  I have a girlfriend who loves me very much.  She has two children, both of whom I love, and am pretty darn certain they love me back.  I have a wonderful eight year old son, who yes, lives two hours away with his mother, but we have a great relationship, nonetheless.  


So yes, not only am I suffering from Depression, but also Anxiety now.  Nothing like kickin' a guy while he's down, 'eh? 

I also have a concern that this is a genetic problem.  I have an aunt and her son, my cousin, who are both bat-shit crazy.  On more medications than one can count, and in and out of the 'loony bins' most of their lives. 
I never really thought about that, until just recently.  That's not in any way an attempt to exonerate my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend; both of which are HUGE contributing factors to my mental health issues. 

Not only is my doctor doubling the amount of Cipralex I'm taking, but has also 'fast tracked' me to a local Head-Shrinker.  Maybe he feels MORE talk therapy will help?  Again, who knows? 

No, I'm not sitting here contemplating suicide.  That ship sailed long ago.  What is on my mind though, is hard to explain.  Concentrating on a single thought is no longer a luxury for me.  It's like my mind is racing from thought to thought.  Each one as unlikely as the next.  I'm constantly worried about my son, although I know 's safe.  Always worrying about my step-children, although I know they're safe.  Worrying about my wife/girlfriend, although I know she's safe.  And then thinking about work, and how much I want to be there, but know I can't be.  I don't think I'm safe there.  By that I mean, I'll not be concentrating, and could hurt myself, or someone else.  That's also a constant fear.  But then again, it makes no sense to me.  The likelihood of that happening, is slim to none.  I'm well trained on the equipment I use, and am quite proficient with it. 
See what I mean?  Each scenario is less likely than the next to occur. 

That's all I've got to say today.  Thanks for reading.

Keep smiling!!