Robin, Batman & Belak

 

 
    I told you a few days ago that I'm being weaned off my current medications, in favour of a new one. Well, today is day three of weaning off Ciprolex and Wellbutrin, and I tell ya', man do I have a short fuse now. Maybe it's withdrawal? Maybe not?
Sufficed to say, I'm not the happiest guy in the world.
The last few days haven't been too grand for me. I've been dealing with my son being bullied at school, and not wanting to go. I've been dealing with my girlfriend/wife being bullied at work, and not really wanting to go. I've had to deal with the nurse at my work wanting me to come back, after taking four

months off, BECAUSE of my work. Everyone in the house, (myself especially, though no one can tell) has been worried about money. Believe me, I would work if I really thought I could. So, I've been writing lots of posts on both of my blogs, attempting to get as many people as I can to visit the sites, and supporting it by reposting, re-tweeting, whatever, and hoping that the odd person will click on an add. No, I'm not asking you to do that, because that's against the Google AdSense terms and conditions.

 
But, you now get the point of the amount of stress I'm under, because of events in my past that have really screwed up my present, and foreseeable future.

 
I am however, quite excited about Bell Let's Talk Day, which is just a couple of days away. I've been looking forward to this day each year since its inception, a few years ago.

I know there are a lot of people out there who suffer from varying degrees of mental illnesses. I also know there are plenty of people out there who don't see it in others. The people who always wonder 'how can things be so bad in your life, that the best decision at the time for you is suicide"? I asked myself that question many times too. I also found myself in situations where suicide was truly not too bad of an idea. I've known people, and I myself have been in places in our lives where suicide isn't the worst decision you could come up with. It's not because of

weakness. It's not because you're scared. It's not dying at your own hands. It's being killed by depression. Just like being killed by Cancer, or AIDS, or any number of other illnesses. Sometimes you can beat the illness, other times it beats you. The deaths of Wade Belak, Robin Williams, and my friend 'Batman', all hit me pretty hard. I know what they were going through. I know how they felt. I've heard those same demons yelling in my ears, as those three heard in their ears.

 

Last week I wrote a post that somehow caught the eye of Canadian Olympian Clara Hughes. She commented on the post, and even re-tweeted it. That was a very humbling day for me. It was at that point that I fully came to realise that, (although I already knew), I wasn't alone. Clara, and many other well-known Canadians do suffer, or have suffered from Depression.
If you're on the brink like I was. Like Wade, Robin, and Batman were, hold on a little longer. It won't get worse. It'll get better. Don't let this illness kill you. Things are always better tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the next day, or the next. The sun will shine again, and carry away those demons. You just need to wait. That's all.

 
Keep smiling!

Adjustment Disorder? WTF?

I know it's been a while since I've posted here. I've been pretty busy with my other site, StekelsView Trying to get more and more hits there, and writing about all the events that have been happening in France, lately.

Well, that's just one of the reasons I haven't been posting here. The other (and more important) reason is: I was afraid to write here. The truth is, I've been feeling quite down, lately. As I told you in previous posts, I'm no longer going to work. Not because I don't want to go, but because I can't go. Believe me, I'd work if I could. Running low on money is never a good thing. My Employment Insurance has run out, and God only knows if I'll get WSIB to pay me, or if I'll qualify for ODSP. So, those are a couple of the things that are bringing me down.

I've also found out not too long ago that my son's mother wants to move about 200 KM from where they currently live, into a city with a population of over two million. They currently live in a town with a population of about sixteen

thousand. I can't stop her from moving, but I have the power to stop my nine year old son. However, if my son had his choice, there is NO doubt in my mind, (and he's said as much to me), that he would choose to live here with me, my girlfriend/wife, and her two children.

The problem with stopping my son from moving is simple: I'll likely have to take his mother to court, and, par for the course with regards to Family Court here in Ontario: fathers have little to NO rights, regardless of their situation.

Needless to say, I've done my best to put on a brave face. I've acted as 'normal' as I could.

I even chickened out going to see my therapist a couple of weeks ago.

However, today I had a 'telehealth' appointment with a REAL psychiatrist out of Toronto. Apparently I'm neither Depressed or Anxious. I just have 'Adjustment Disorder'. Whatever the Hell that is?

She told me I should start a 'back to work' plan. I don't know, man. I don't know if I can do it. I still don't know if it's the place I work specifically, or just the concept of working? Either way, when I think about it, I get anxious as all Hell!

Regardless, I'm doing the best I can. I'm trying to remain calm. I'm working on my breathing. I'm doing my best (most of the time) at being a happy 'housewife'. However, more often than not, so it's beginning to seem, the demons get the best of me, and I am absolutely useless around the house. Even when home alone. I know I should do something around the house. I honestly don't mind cooking and/or cleaning. I like to live in a clean house. With two teenagers though, as you well know, it can be quite a challenge.

I know that there are many people out there, some professionals in the Mental Health field that will disagree with this statement but: I 100%, fully, completely, absolutely and wholeheartedly blame my ex-girlfriend for my current mental state.

My girlfriend/wife is doing the best she can, to put the pieces back together, that my ex-girlfriend shattered.

Keep smiling!

My Darkness & Hope

One of the obvious things regarding the suicide of Robin Williams is this:  There are far too many people like him out there.

For several years, and still to this day, I suffer from moderate to severe Depression.

I can somewhat relate to how he (Williams) was feeling throughout his life.  As though there is a darkness around you, at least that's what I call it:  My darkness.
I've been there.  I've contemplated ending it.  But that voice in the back of my head that kept saying, "Don't do this.  This is wrong", was obviously louder than the same voice in Williams' head.  

In November of 2011, a dear friend, and former co-worker of mine committed suicide.  He was always the happiest guy in the room.  Kind of like Robin Williams.  It just goes to show, we can hide it much better than you think.  Although I'm on medication, I highly doubt ANYONE would ever guess I suffer from Depression.  If us sufferers don't want you to know, you'll never see it. 

In February of 2012, Bell Media had a national 'Lets Talk' day.  To try to lift the stigma around mental health.  The absolute best part of that day (I was glued to the TV), was Michael Landsberg's documentary on mental health in Sports, Darkness & Hope. 

That documentary really opened my eyes:  I'm not the only person with this problem.  Hell, even some of my sports hero's suffer from it as well.   
It was shortly after watching that documentary that I decided to seek help.  I didn't like the way I was feeling.  My world was dark, and seemed to be falling apart around me, for no real reason.  I had everything good going on in my life.  I had a job, was making good money, had a girlfriend (despite the fact she turned out to be all wrong for me). 
As I said above, no one could tell.  I hid my secret well.  I was always the happiest guy in the room...  The life of the party, if you will. 
When I confessed this secret to my family, only one of my siblings really understood what I was talking about.  I feel the reason for that is because she (my sister) works in the mental health field. 

The bottom line of this is:  If there wasn't such a stigma surrounding mental health, then there would be fewer people like my friend, and Robin Williams, and the millions of others who feel their only way out is suicide. 

Think about it, then talk about it!

Robin Williams - This One Hurts

This afternoon, I was laying on the sofa, listening to the radio (yes, I LOVE talk-radio), when it came over the air that Robin Williams had died.  I nearly fell on the floor.  That man was my childhood.  Mrs. Doubtfire, Hook, Jumanji, Dead Poets Society, Aladdin, Mork & Mindy, and the list goes on.

Williams admitted several times publicly, that he suffers from a wide range of substance abuse; from alcohol, to cocaine, and who knows what else?
Being a Hollywood star in the 1970's and 1980's couldn't have been easy on anyone's liver, or nostrils. 

Like I said:  I grew up watching Robin Williams.  I can tell you with 100% honesty that the last movie my parents ever watched in a movie theatre was 'Dead Poets Society'.  Not because they didn't enjoy the movie, but because they just don't go out to movies.  I can also tell you that the first stand-up comedy DVD I ever bought was 'Robin Williams Live On Broadway'. 

Yep, that's one funny man.

The reason why I'm writing about Williams here, on my Mental Health blog is simple:  He allegedly committed suicide.  Even if the autopsy comes back and says it was 'natural causes' at the age of 63, he still had many demons we didn't all know about. 

I remember growing up, and watching this man on TV, and in movies.  He never failed to make me smile, and sometimes even laugh. 
Over the last few years, when I first started noticing I was having Depression issues, I would often turn on 'Robin Williams Live On Broadway' or dust off my old VHS copy of 'Hook', and put it on, and drift away to a better, happier place. 

Robin Williams was to me, what One Direction is to someone I love very much:  He saved my life.