Lost My Muse

I know it's been a while since I've written here.  As a matter of fact, it's been a while since I've posted on my other two blogs. 
Despite being incredibly busy lately with my wonderful girlfriend/wife, plus her

two children, and my one, I've been essentially spending the last couple of months living for those four.  I'm not complaining, it's just a fact. 

We've also been battling through some money issues (since I still cannot work), so this is the point where I humbly ask that you share this blog with all of your friends, and help support it by clicking to the right, or the bottom, please.

That being said, things are totally on track with me mentally.  I've been taking my 10mg of Cipralex, and 300mg of Wellbutrin daily now.  Along with Extra Strength Krill Oil.  I don't now what those three pills do, but whatever it is, it's working.

I won't lie, I've been a little stressed however.  Next week, my 9 year old son is going to see a specialist, and more than likely be diagnosed with Aspergers.  Which isn't a terribly bad thing.  However, I've been mentioning it for years to his mother, but she refused to get him tested.  NOW that someone through his school has mentioned it, she's decided to listen.  Make sense to you? 

But, that's neither here nor there.  I love my boy.  That's all that matters.  But, maybe now he'll get the help he needs, right?  But right now, that's the only thing that's been bothering me.  But really, it shouldn't.

I've also started exercising a bit.  Not much, though.  I'm back into walking.  I remember back when I didn't have a car, I walked everywhere.  I lived in a town of about 30,000 people, so it was big, but not too big.  I used to walk everywhere.  It was great.  I could walk almost anywhere in town in thirty minutes or less.  So, it wasn't really an inconvenience. 
When I'm at home, I'm most often doing stuff around the house.  Laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc....  So, I'm managing to keep myself busy. 

Maybe it's the Krill Oil that's giving me the extra energy?  Regardless, it feels good.  I'm not sad any-more.  I don't really feel 'Depressed'.  I suppose that's a

good thing.  But, I will endeavour to write here as often as I can.  I know for a fact that there are people who read this blog and use it as a crutch, or as motivation to seek the help they need.  To start talking about it.  Which really is the goal here. 

I highly recommend trying the Krill Oil to help boost your mood, and give yourself some energy.  You don't need a prescription for it.  You can find it in any drug store.  Don't replace your medication with the Krill Oil, take it in conjunction with your current medications. 
Hey, it's worth a try, isn't it? 

Keep smiling!

Adjustment Disorder? WTF?

I know it's been a while since I've posted here. I've been pretty busy with my other site, StekelsView Trying to get more and more hits there, and writing about all the events that have been happening in France, lately.

Well, that's just one of the reasons I haven't been posting here. The other (and more important) reason is: I was afraid to write here. The truth is, I've been feeling quite down, lately. As I told you in previous posts, I'm no longer going to work. Not because I don't want to go, but because I can't go. Believe me, I'd work if I could. Running low on money is never a good thing. My Employment Insurance has run out, and God only knows if I'll get WSIB to pay me, or if I'll qualify for ODSP. So, those are a couple of the things that are bringing me down.

I've also found out not too long ago that my son's mother wants to move about 200 KM from where they currently live, into a city with a population of over two million. They currently live in a town with a population of about sixteen

thousand. I can't stop her from moving, but I have the power to stop my nine year old son. However, if my son had his choice, there is NO doubt in my mind, (and he's said as much to me), that he would choose to live here with me, my girlfriend/wife, and her two children.

The problem with stopping my son from moving is simple: I'll likely have to take his mother to court, and, par for the course with regards to Family Court here in Ontario: fathers have little to NO rights, regardless of their situation.

Needless to say, I've done my best to put on a brave face. I've acted as 'normal' as I could.

I even chickened out going to see my therapist a couple of weeks ago.

However, today I had a 'telehealth' appointment with a REAL psychiatrist out of Toronto. Apparently I'm neither Depressed or Anxious. I just have 'Adjustment Disorder'. Whatever the Hell that is?

She told me I should start a 'back to work' plan. I don't know, man. I don't know if I can do it. I still don't know if it's the place I work specifically, or just the concept of working? Either way, when I think about it, I get anxious as all Hell!

Regardless, I'm doing the best I can. I'm trying to remain calm. I'm working on my breathing. I'm doing my best (most of the time) at being a happy 'housewife'. However, more often than not, so it's beginning to seem, the demons get the best of me, and I am absolutely useless around the house. Even when home alone. I know I should do something around the house. I honestly don't mind cooking and/or cleaning. I like to live in a clean house. With two teenagers though, as you well know, it can be quite a challenge.

I know that there are many people out there, some professionals in the Mental Health field that will disagree with this statement but: I 100%, fully, completely, absolutely and wholeheartedly blame my ex-girlfriend for my current mental state.

My girlfriend/wife is doing the best she can, to put the pieces back together, that my ex-girlfriend shattered.

Keep smiling!

Garbage Day

So, today started out pretty normally for me.  The kids went to school, and the girlfriend/wife went to work.  Pretty regular, 'eh?

After I was home, and everyone had gone out for their daily duties, I needed to phone my doctor.  I needed him to fill out some asinine forms for my work (since I've been off for almost a month now). 
Since the nurse at my work doesn't seem to know how to properly operate a FAX machine, and failed to FAX said forms to my doctor, she instead had to send them to me, so I could hand deliver these silly forms to my doctor for her.
So, I drove the twenty minutes to my doctor's office to hand deliver these forms that the nurse at my work failed to send, and hoped that my doctor could fill them out for me, so I could hand deliver them to the said nurse.
Yes, the nurse at my work wants to see me once a week, to see how I'm progressing.

In a phone call to her, I mentioned that my doctor suggested this may be related to an injury I sustained at work about a month and a half ago, and that he'd like to try to get things handled through the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board, she said, and I quote, "I'd like to see how he's going to do that.  If that's the case, I'll have you into work tonight on modified duties". 
I suppose she missed the day in 'Nurse School' when they were teaching them all about mental health.   The issue isn't not being able to work.  I'm pretty physically fit, and I know I can do my job.  The issue is being there.  However, I don't know why.
I have a good job, an easy job, and work with great people.

Even driving there today with my girlfriend/wife, (though, I'm not sure if she noticed), I was incredibly uncomfortable throughout most of the drive there.  I was tense, and a million things were going through my mind.  Most learned people would call that a Panic Attack. 
That's exactly what it was.  Even just sitting in the nurses office at work, I wanted to be anywhere else.  It felt as though I was sitting at the gates of Hell, just waiting to walk through. 

The trouble with mental health issues is, unless you've been personally affected by it in some way, you just don't understand it. 
Despite all this Bell Let's Talk campaign, All the press Robin Williams' death has had, and all the hard work on Mental Health that Michael Landsberg has done, not enough people (particularly in the Health Care field) no enough or anything about Mental Health.



I'm not angry.  I'm simply upset because the people who should know best what it is that I'm dealing with, are either ignorant, or very apathetic about this issue. 

So that's my day in a nutshell.  Now I'm off to spend the rest of the evening with my fantastic girlfriend/wife.

Keep smiling!!

Follow-up Exam

As requested by my doctor, I went for a 'follow-up' appointment today, with regards to the increase in my medication, and how I'm feeling over all.  Turns out I'm worse.  My doctor wants me off work for at least another month. 
I spoke with the nurse at my work, and it doesn't seems as though they want me off.  They want me back to work, and/or a detailed outline from my doctor saying what steps he's taking to have me in shape for work again.  To be honest, I don't know if that day will be anytime in the near future. 

So now I'm getting pressure from work, despite the fact I'm doing my best to try to feel better, and my doctor is doing everything he can to get me the help I need.  I want to be able to work.  To feel useful.  To contribute to my family.  I just cannot do that right now.  I don't know why.  I don't really care why.  I just want to get better!

While I was at my doctor's this morning, I filled out another 'Anxiety questionnaire' thing, and I scored off the charts.  A much higher score than last time.  Which means I'm much worse off than the last time I filled out that questionnaire. 

To be honest with you folks, when I'm home with my family, I feel fine.  Almost NORMAL.  The thought of going to work, or not being around my loved ones, almost brings me to tears.

You should have seen me this morning, driving to my doctor's.  I was shaking, and didn't want to go.  Simply because I was petrified he'd tell me I was good to go back to work.  Yes, I had a panic attack while driving.  Trust me, it's not the most wonderful of situations.  Not to mention how uncomfortable I felt sitting in the waiting room. 
Again, panic attacks are new to me.  I still don't know how to handle them.  I suppose I should have pulled over, but I was going to be late for my appointment.  Plus, the nurse at work was on my back to get information from my doctor to her.  Fuck!  Doesn't she understand I don't want to go there?  The whole reason I'm not there is because I physically CAN'T go.  I don't know why.  Do you?

Keep smiling!

My Darkness & Hope

One of the obvious things regarding the suicide of Robin Williams is this:  There are far too many people like him out there.

For several years, and still to this day, I suffer from moderate to severe Depression.

I can somewhat relate to how he (Williams) was feeling throughout his life.  As though there is a darkness around you, at least that's what I call it:  My darkness.
I've been there.  I've contemplated ending it.  But that voice in the back of my head that kept saying, "Don't do this.  This is wrong", was obviously louder than the same voice in Williams' head.  

In November of 2011, a dear friend, and former co-worker of mine committed suicide.  He was always the happiest guy in the room.  Kind of like Robin Williams.  It just goes to show, we can hide it much better than you think.  Although I'm on medication, I highly doubt ANYONE would ever guess I suffer from Depression.  If us sufferers don't want you to know, you'll never see it. 

In February of 2012, Bell Media had a national 'Lets Talk' day.  To try to lift the stigma around mental health.  The absolute best part of that day (I was glued to the TV), was Michael Landsberg's documentary on mental health in Sports, Darkness & Hope. 

That documentary really opened my eyes:  I'm not the only person with this problem.  Hell, even some of my sports hero's suffer from it as well.   
It was shortly after watching that documentary that I decided to seek help.  I didn't like the way I was feeling.  My world was dark, and seemed to be falling apart around me, for no real reason.  I had everything good going on in my life.  I had a job, was making good money, had a girlfriend (despite the fact she turned out to be all wrong for me). 
As I said above, no one could tell.  I hid my secret well.  I was always the happiest guy in the room...  The life of the party, if you will. 
When I confessed this secret to my family, only one of my siblings really understood what I was talking about.  I feel the reason for that is because she (my sister) works in the mental health field. 

The bottom line of this is:  If there wasn't such a stigma surrounding mental health, then there would be fewer people like my friend, and Robin Williams, and the millions of others who feel their only way out is suicide. 

Think about it, then talk about it!

Back In The Saddle

Life just seems to be getting better and better for me.  I'm back to work now, after a week off for the summer shutdown.  Despite missing my family (I kind of got used to being around them all week), I'm enjoying being back, and making money. 

My little boy is off to sleep-away camp for this week, and I know his mom misses him terribly, and I miss talking to him on the phone.  But you know what?  He's having a great time there! 
He went to that camp for the first time last summer, and he absolutely loved it.  I'm sure he'll have just as much, if not more fun this time around.  He's eight years old, after all.  What ISN'T fun about camping, at that age?


I also had a few minor hiccups this past week or so, with someone whom I thought I could trust.  Turns out that yet again, I made a mistake.  That isn't as much as a shock as it might have been a while ago,  It

turns out, I'm not as infallible as I thought I was.  But you know what?  Fuck it.  Life's too short to worry about other people actions.  I'm in this for ME, and my nearest and dearest friends and family.  No one else. There are currently just four people (excluding blood relatives) that mean the world to me.  I know at least two of them regularly read this blog, so there is no need to name them. 

Now back to my original point:  Life for me has been nearly perfect these last few months.  I am keeping myself busy, and spending as much of my time as I can with my son, and my new family. 

When suffering from Depression, it's important to keep yourself going.  Be active.  Be busy.  Don't dwell in those dark places.  Try to stay positive.  The more you talk about your illness, the more you will mock it, and those shadows will become brighter.  Eventually you'll be living in your own light.  Without the darkness and sorrow that this particular form of mental illness brings with it. 
If need be, speak to your doctor.  Believe me when I say this - Most doctors know a LOT more about mental illnesses than you do.  And, if they don't, they'll be more than happy to refer you to someone who does.  There is always more than ONE way out of a room.  Keep that in mind.

Keep smiling!!

Day From Hell

So yesterday really sucked.  Not only am I still feeling horrible over my little mistake the other day, but to top things off: Yesterday, for maybe the third time in the last 18+ months), I forgot to take my medication (Cipralex) in the morning. 
Needless to say, the entire day was mortifying.  I thought everyone was talking about me behind my back.  I wasn't doing anything right at work.  I saw the president of the company there, and I was completely convinced he was there to personally fire me. 

I was in a bit of a rush yesterday morning, to get out of the house, and off to work.  I realised, about half-way to work (which is about a 40 minute drive from home), that I hadn't taken my daily dose of Cirpalex.  Once I realised I hadn't

forgotten my medication, I instantly was horrified.  I knew what the day would be like.  I half expected to curl up in the fetal position at work, and cry like a little girl.  That didn't happen. 
Although, I'm not going to lie:  There were several times throughout the day yesterday, that I just wanted to leave, and come home.  I didn't think my brain could handle the pressures. 
I knew the President wasn't there to fire me.  Deep down, I truly knew that.  However, I also 'knew' people were talking about me.  I don't know what they were 'saying', as their voices were just muffled sounds most of the time.  I know now, after being re-medicated for almost 30 hours now, that all those thoughts were just foolhardy.  But, that's just how much my brain depends on those Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. 

So yes, that's JUST how affective That drug is on my brain.  I used to swear up and down that I would never, in a million years take a mind altering chemical.  But guess what, This particular SSRI works.                  

                                                                                                     Escitalopram

So, there you go.  My first real BAD day in about eighteen months.  And, it was all because I forgot to take one tiny little pill when I got out of the shower yesterday morning.  Granted, it was about 4:45AM, but that's not a good enough excuse for me.  I have made it a habit of mine to take my medication after my shower, and before I brush my teeth.  Kind of like a routine.  A routine I don't stray from.
I shower every morning, as well as brush my teeth.

My day doesn't really seem to start, until I've had a shower, and brushed my teeth.  Kind of like your day doesn't start without a coffee, or cigarette?  That's just how I am.  I like routine.  Although, some people who know me, may argue otherwise.  But routine is good for me.  Because of the routine actions in my life, I was able to make it through the horrendous day I described above.  And, because of my routine days, I was able to differentiate between what I perceived as reality, and what was actual reality. 
Unfortunately, yesterday that was my reality.

Keep smiling!!

Narcissism At It's Worst

So, it seems my Narcissism has gotten the best of me, for the first time, in a VERY long time.   I made an error that nearly cost me everything in my life.  Now it seems the next few days, weeks, or even months will be spent trying to rectify said error.

I've learned a great deal from this. My actions don't always affect only me, but also to the lives of those nearest and dearest to me. 

The last 18 hours have been like a living Hell for me.  But, I'm trying my damnedest to tough through it.  To make things right.  To the way things were even just 24 hours ago. 

This is an aspect of my life that I have kept from you (my dear readers).  Yes, I'm very narcissistic.  But then again, that may simply be a part of my Depression?  I'm not sure. 
Learning from mistakes are an aspect of every one's life.  However, committing the same mistakes over and over is one of the detriments of society. This is probably going to be the biggest challenge of my life.  That includes my past with my even more narcissistic ex-girlfriend, and her actions that did in fact ruin my life.  Or, at least altered completely the course I can take in life.  There is nothing I wouldn't do to turn back the clock those few hours, and completely rethink my actions. 

Needless to say:  I fucked up.  But, I'm still remaining as strong as I can be.  I'm trying to mend the things I've broken (which I capitulate will take some time). 

The trouble with narcissism is:  TECHNICALLY, I did nothing wrong.  No one was hurt.  No actual action was made.  But, apparently, the world doesn't actually revolve around me.  That's the part I don't get:  Nothing ACTUALLY happened.  No one got hurt.  So why the fallout? 
I'm not an idiot:  Im' taking responsibility for my actions, and trying to fix the rifts I've created.  But why?  Because I'm in love.  The things you do for the people you love, 'eh?

The bottom line is:  I'm a narcissist.  Apparently that's a problem for some people.  However, I'm trying to fix that.  It's not that I'm selfish.  I'll admit that at times I can be.  But, I'm not often selfish.  Or, at least I try not to be.  Yes, I do know the difference between right and wrong.  Sometimes, I tend to ignore said limits.  To 'live on the edge', so to speak.  Make sense?  It does to me.

Keep smiling!

#SickNotWeak

Firstly, I'd like to apologize....  I haven't written here in a while.  The reason for that is sinple:  I've been way too busy.  That's not just a lame-duck excuse.  It's a fact.  Then again, being busy is always a good thing!  It's the down-time in life that makes it a bit harder to get out of bed in the morning.  But, we're well passed that now. 

I remember the days when all I wanted to do was sleep.  I would stay in bed, or laying down on the sofa most of the day.  The thing is, for the first few weeks, I thought nothing of it.  Then I started thinking about my ex-wife, who also suffers from Depression, and I was going through a lot of things she went through.  Needless to say, it didn't take long for me to figure out what was happening to me;  than I was getting sick, and needed to see my doctor.

That's a story I've told many times, and will likely tell again.  But not today.  Today is about being happy.  About being busy.  About keeping the demons away. 

As I've said before, one of the keys to keeping those demons away, is to keep busy.  Physical labour, or going to the gym regularly (daily), certainly helps. 
That's simply what I've tried to do with myself.  After being kicked, tortured, and basically shit upon by my Slefish and cowardly ex-girlfriend, I realised I needed to change the people I have in my life.  So, I've found myself with the perfect woman as my girlfriend.  She has wonderful children whom I love very much (and I think they kind of dig me too), not to mention my wonderful and always smiling little boy. 

I've also gone and landed myself a great job.  True, it's about a 40 minute drive from home, but well worth it.  It's a very physically demanding job, and keeps me busy.  I hurt after work most nights (which is a feeling I love).  You know burn you feel after a good workout?  That one.
Not to mention, I have a group of the most amazing, and most supportive friends anyone could ask for.

Those are some of the keys to keeping your head as straight as you can.  Depression/Anxiety won't just go away.  You need to be proactive.  Talk about it with your friends and family, and doctor.  Be active.  Keep yourself occupied.  Keep your mind away from the dark places.  It's not easy.  I failed many times in my attempts to move out of the shadows.  But, with the right amount of time, medication, and hard work, I'm at a place in my life, where Depression is in the past.  It no longer defines me.  I'm having GOOD days every day. 

You must treat Depression for what it really is:  An illness.  It's a mental illness that should be treated no differently than the common flu, Cancer, or any other commonly occurring illnesses out there.  It just happens.  We're not really sure why.  It's not a sign of weakness.  It's a sign that you're like most other people in the world.  A slight chemical imbalance in your brain.  Nothing more, nothing less. 

Keep smiling!

No Complaints!!

So, it's been a fantastic Easter weekend with my family, despite the fact that I

don't have my son here.  He is however, going to be here next weekend.  With the NEW family.... For the first time.  We're all very excited about it.

This past week has been a great week for me.  The medication are still working, and I'm still loving my job.  In all honesty, life is damned near perfect!  I love it!  I have a great job.  I have an awesome girlfriend.  We both have pretty terrific kids.  Really, what more could I ask for?

My new friend that has been having mental health issues lately seems to be

on the right track.  She's talking about it with her friends, family and teachers.  She's on the road to getting the help she requires.  I'm so happy for her.

We live in a small town, and there's still plenty of stigma about mental health here.  Particularly with the younger people; teenagers, and slightly older.  Hopefully, in the near future, everyone will get passed those stigmas.  That day isn't here yet, however.  My new friend is aware of this, but is keeping a strong face. 

Back to my fantastic weekend....  I all of my time with my family, and a few of my friends.  It was great.  I spent a bunch of time with my step-son trouble shooting some computer and Internet issues we were having at home.  It felt great teaching someone so eager to learn about technology. 


All in all, things are just fantastic for me! 

Now, I ask a favour of YOU....  Retweet this post, re-pin it, post it on Facebook, or whichever social media you use.  I want as many people out there suffering from a mental health issue to know, and to understand, that it DOES get better!  It may not seem like it today, tomorrow, or even next week, but it does.  You're life cannot get any worse.  It will ONLY get better.  Hell, I'm living proof of that. 

Keep smiling!

How It Starts....

I'm quite distressed right now.  Not because of my own mental state, but because of the mental state of someone very close to me.

I'm not going to name names here (for privacy reasons of course).  I'm certain this posting will get to her at some point.

However, I've been quite concerned about her for a few days now.  I know I'm pretty new in her life, and I don't feel it's my place to say much, or anything at all.
But, if I were to sit down with her, and have a heart-to-heart, I'd explain to her that what she's currently going through, I dealt with a few years ago:

There were days when all I wanted to do was cry.  Not for any particular reason.  I just wanted to cry.  My heart would begin to beat rapidly in my chest... Almost like a panic attack. 

There were days when I didn't leave my house.  Some of those days, I didn't even leave my bedroom.  However, most days, (like her), I managed to drag my ass out of bed, and go to the gym.  I didn't want to.  I knew that.  The ONLY reason I went every day was because I was banking on those endorphins in my brain to do their intended job.  Sometimes it worked.  Sometimes it didn't.

On occasion, I would go out with a few of my friends.  Despite my best attempts to hide my demons from them, they easily saw through my failed disguise.  They would often have fun things planned (mainly for my benefit).  Even though I was out with my best friends, doing incredibly fun things, 95% of the time I would rather have been anywhere else. 

More often than not, despite where I was, or went, I wanted to be elsewhere.  When I was with people, I wanted to be alone.  When I was alone, I wanted to be with people, to feel their friendship and their love.

There were days, that despite my best efforts, and the best efforts of my nearest and dearest, I felt like I'd never be cheerful again. 
I imagine that's how my new friend is feeling.

I also found, that despite the horror stories I'd heard, Talk Therapy worked wonders for me.  And, for a time, the therapy, with a daily dose of St. John's Wort was enough to keep my demons at bay.

For the time being, that worked well enough.  However, do to certain events, the St. John's Wort just didn't cut it any more.  I learned that after taking larger and larger doses.  So, I bit the bullet, and went to see my doctor.  As a result, I'm now on Cipralex, and feeling about a thousand times better!!

Granted, for the first week or so that I was on the Cipralex, I wasn't myself.  I felt kind of like a zombie.  Just existing.  Not really IN the moment... If you know what I mean?  Just kind of 'being'. 

Needless to say, I got through it, as she will.  Several of the people I grew up with didn't get through it.  They lost their battle with Mental Illness.  That's a battle no one ever needs to lose.  I came close a few times.  But talking about it helped.  I don't mean just talking with my therapist either.  I decided to open up to almost everyone in my life. 
Mental Illness is just that:  An illness.  Like MS, a cold, or Cancer.  If treated correctly, you can overcome it, and live a very long, healthy and productive life.  More often than not, you can, and WILL beat it.

Good luck.