Bullies & Changes

Not to mention that problems regarding my nine year old son.  He currently lives with his mother, about 200 KM north of me.  For the last three or four years, he's been getting bullied at school.  Two days ago, he came home to his mother with a shiner he received at school.   

OK, so here's my situation.  As I told you the other day, I went to see a psychiatrist through the OTN.  She went and changed all the medications I'm on.  She's weaning me off Cipralex and Wellbutrin, and putting my on Zoloft.  Really, I don't get it.  According to this shrink, the Cipralex and the Wellbutrin aren't working.  However, one of the side-effects of Welbutrin is to stop smoking.  I can honestly say, I haven't had a cigarette in three months.  I suppose that's something, 'eh? 

So, I started weaning myself off the Cipralex and Wellbutrin this morning.  Half a dose of each.  Maybe it's all in my head *sic* or it is really happening, but I can already feel a difference in myself.  I'm feeling less and less like myself as the day progresses.  Is that supposed to be happening already? 

True, the last few months I've been feeling down, much more often than I've been feeling up.  I'm trying to stay active.  Trying to stay busy around the house.  But really, nothing seems to be making much of a difference.  Maybe the Zoloft WILL work?  However, the last person I know that was switched from Cipralex to Zoloft was my now ex-wife.  Apparently it cleared her mind enough to make her think she didn't want to be with me any more, instead went to her ex-boyfriend.   

I've also been really thinking about trying to go back to work.  I will honestly tell you that I do miss it.  However, I don't think I actually could do it.  I know I'm fully

capable of doing my job.  I just don't know if I could bring myself to actually go.  Know what I mean?   

So yes, those thoughts have been weighing quite heavily on me.  Also causing much anxiety and several panic-attacks.  See my problem?  I just don't know what to do.  There inlays the root of my problems.   

Personally, I'd like to walk into his school, pick him up, and bring him back here with me.  I'm certain he'd be fine with that, but his mother may have different plans.  I need advise ASAP!  I'm meeting with his principal on Monday! 

Keep smiling!  

Day From Hell

So yesterday really sucked.  Not only am I still feeling horrible over my little mistake the other day, but to top things off: Yesterday, for maybe the third time in the last 18+ months), I forgot to take my medication (Cipralex) in the morning. 
Needless to say, the entire day was mortifying.  I thought everyone was talking about me behind my back.  I wasn't doing anything right at work.  I saw the president of the company there, and I was completely convinced he was there to personally fire me. 

I was in a bit of a rush yesterday morning, to get out of the house, and off to work.  I realised, about half-way to work (which is about a 40 minute drive from home), that I hadn't taken my daily dose of Cirpalex.  Once I realised I hadn't

forgotten my medication, I instantly was horrified.  I knew what the day would be like.  I half expected to curl up in the fetal position at work, and cry like a little girl.  That didn't happen. 
Although, I'm not going to lie:  There were several times throughout the day yesterday, that I just wanted to leave, and come home.  I didn't think my brain could handle the pressures. 
I knew the President wasn't there to fire me.  Deep down, I truly knew that.  However, I also 'knew' people were talking about me.  I don't know what they were 'saying', as their voices were just muffled sounds most of the time.  I know now, after being re-medicated for almost 30 hours now, that all those thoughts were just foolhardy.  But, that's just how much my brain depends on those Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. 

So yes, that's JUST how affective That drug is on my brain.  I used to swear up and down that I would never, in a million years take a mind altering chemical.  But guess what, This particular SSRI works.                  

                                                                                                     Escitalopram

So, there you go.  My first real BAD day in about eighteen months.  And, it was all because I forgot to take one tiny little pill when I got out of the shower yesterday morning.  Granted, it was about 4:45AM, but that's not a good enough excuse for me.  I have made it a habit of mine to take my medication after my shower, and before I brush my teeth.  Kind of like a routine.  A routine I don't stray from.
I shower every morning, as well as brush my teeth.

My day doesn't really seem to start, until I've had a shower, and brushed my teeth.  Kind of like your day doesn't start without a coffee, or cigarette?  That's just how I am.  I like routine.  Although, some people who know me, may argue otherwise.  But routine is good for me.  Because of the routine actions in my life, I was able to make it through the horrendous day I described above.  And, because of my routine days, I was able to differentiate between what I perceived as reality, and what was actual reality. 
Unfortunately, yesterday that was my reality.

Keep smiling!!

Still Beating The Demons

I know this week is not even half over yet, (it's Tuesday), but I feel fucking fantastic!
I've officially moved in with my girlfriend now.  I can't imagine any other place I'd rather be.  She makes me incredibly happy, and her kids are pretty f'ing cool, too.

Work is wonderful too.  I work with some pretty unique individuals.  Every day is certainly something new, and fun.


I still continue to take my medication (Cipralex) daily.  I'm not certain if I still require it, but I'm still not brave enough to go off them.  I don't want to risk going back to the dark places I was before.  That's a Hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. 

I don't want to fall into the same trap so many others have fallen victim too.  You know which trap I'm talking about.  The: "I feel so good, I don't need my meds anymore."  Then, more often than not, those people would go off their medications, (without consulting their doctor), and would be in even worse shape than they were before. 

I've said many times in the past, that I am opposed to mind altering chemicals such as SSRI's.  However, when I was at my lowest, I would have done anything to rid myself of those feelings.  I won't lie, many times I contemplated taking my own life, just to get away from those thoughts, those feelings.  Those demons that were always lurking around the corner. 
As a result, I made the choice to seek help from my family doctor.  Certainly one of the best decisions I've ever made.
I also know, that you're reading this post, or past posts and are a return reader, because you are suffering from some form of mental illness, or know someone who is.  I implore you to seek help (if you haven't already).  No one will ever judge you.  That idea is just in your mind.  Mental Illness is just as it sounds:  An illness.  There isn't a 'cure' Per Se, but there is treatment.  There's a wide range of different things you could do to help keep your illness in check:  Medication, talk therapy, exercise, etc...  It's up to you.  Everyone is different, and what treatment may work for me, may or may not work for you.  The trick is:  You have to admit you need help, and then find the help you need.

Keep smiling!

Still Going Up

In my last post, I said that I just KNEW another dark day was going to find me....  But, today wasn't that day!  I woke up from a GREAT sleep, and had a FANTASTIC day at work.  On top of all that, my parents are finally home from their two month vacation to the semi-warm south.


My wonderful girlfriend is seemingly getting more fantastic, and just plain 'fucking awesome' everyday.  She keeps going above and beyond the role of a simple girlfriend.  I'm pretty sure she's a keeper.  Or, maybe it's just because my previous girlfriend was such a terror?

Nevertheless, my life has been doing nothing but going uphill lately.  A HUGE reason for that is the positive energy that's always flowing around me.  Be it the guys at work, or my girlfriend and her kids, or, talking to, and seeing my son on a regular basis.

I really can't remember what a 'bad day' feels like.  I hope I never have to deal with those demons again, but like rain, it'll inevitably happen.

However, right now, I'm just focusing on the present.  The positive things going on in my life.  I'm still waking up nearly every morning, with a quick shot of fear, briefly wondering what sort of day I'm going to have.  In nearly a nanosecond, I know the answer.  For the last, I don't know how long, it's been a GOOD DAY.

Despite still having to deal with the actions of my past girlfriend daily, (which

isn't always as easy as I make it seem), I get by.  I try not to dwell on the darkness she willingly cast on my life.  But, that being said, I have always had one very bright shining star in that darkness, and now I have three more. 
So yes, life is looking pretty F'ing good right now. I have a good job, a wonderful and loving family (new and old) , and the dark days are becoming few and far between. 


Keep smiling!!

How It Starts....

I'm quite distressed right now.  Not because of my own mental state, but because of the mental state of someone very close to me.

I'm not going to name names here (for privacy reasons of course).  I'm certain this posting will get to her at some point.

However, I've been quite concerned about her for a few days now.  I know I'm pretty new in her life, and I don't feel it's my place to say much, or anything at all.
But, if I were to sit down with her, and have a heart-to-heart, I'd explain to her that what she's currently going through, I dealt with a few years ago:

There were days when all I wanted to do was cry.  Not for any particular reason.  I just wanted to cry.  My heart would begin to beat rapidly in my chest... Almost like a panic attack. 

There were days when I didn't leave my house.  Some of those days, I didn't even leave my bedroom.  However, most days, (like her), I managed to drag my ass out of bed, and go to the gym.  I didn't want to.  I knew that.  The ONLY reason I went every day was because I was banking on those endorphins in my brain to do their intended job.  Sometimes it worked.  Sometimes it didn't.

On occasion, I would go out with a few of my friends.  Despite my best attempts to hide my demons from them, they easily saw through my failed disguise.  They would often have fun things planned (mainly for my benefit).  Even though I was out with my best friends, doing incredibly fun things, 95% of the time I would rather have been anywhere else. 

More often than not, despite where I was, or went, I wanted to be elsewhere.  When I was with people, I wanted to be alone.  When I was alone, I wanted to be with people, to feel their friendship and their love.

There were days, that despite my best efforts, and the best efforts of my nearest and dearest, I felt like I'd never be cheerful again. 
I imagine that's how my new friend is feeling.

I also found, that despite the horror stories I'd heard, Talk Therapy worked wonders for me.  And, for a time, the therapy, with a daily dose of St. John's Wort was enough to keep my demons at bay.

For the time being, that worked well enough.  However, do to certain events, the St. John's Wort just didn't cut it any more.  I learned that after taking larger and larger doses.  So, I bit the bullet, and went to see my doctor.  As a result, I'm now on Cipralex, and feeling about a thousand times better!!

Granted, for the first week or so that I was on the Cipralex, I wasn't myself.  I felt kind of like a zombie.  Just existing.  Not really IN the moment... If you know what I mean?  Just kind of 'being'. 

Needless to say, I got through it, as she will.  Several of the people I grew up with didn't get through it.  They lost their battle with Mental Illness.  That's a battle no one ever needs to lose.  I came close a few times.  But talking about it helped.  I don't mean just talking with my therapist either.  I decided to open up to almost everyone in my life. 
Mental Illness is just that:  An illness.  Like MS, a cold, or Cancer.  If treated correctly, you can overcome it, and live a very long, healthy and productive life.  More often than not, you can, and WILL beat it.

Good luck.