Double Dose

As I posted yesterday: Days From Hell, pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately.

I've decided to take the rest of the week off work (yes I have a doctor's note), and have had my prescription for Cipralex DOUBLED, to 20 mg.  Maybe that'll do the job, maybe not?

After visiting with my doctor this morning, it turns out that I'm more anxious, than anything.  I can't explain it.  It's been my experience though, that saying

someone is anxious, or nervous, is just like saying "We don't know what the Hell is wrong, so here's more drugs".

As I've written several times in my other blog,  MY WORLD, I'm not a big fan of SSRI's, or any other mind-altering psychotropic drug, for that matter.  

I don't understand why I'm axious.  I have a good job.  I like the people that I work with.  It's an easy job, really.  Hell, even a well trained monkey could do what I do.  I suppose that's one of the reason's why it's called 'unskilled labour'?

I have a great home life.  I have a girlfriend who loves me very much.  She has two children, both of whom I love, and am pretty darn certain they love me back.  I have a wonderful eight year old son, who yes, lives two hours away with his mother, but we have a great relationship, nonetheless.  


So yes, not only am I suffering from Depression, but also Anxiety now.  Nothing like kickin' a guy while he's down, 'eh? 

I also have a concern that this is a genetic problem.  I have an aunt and her son, my cousin, who are both bat-shit crazy.  On more medications than one can count, and in and out of the 'loony bins' most of their lives. 
I never really thought about that, until just recently.  That's not in any way an attempt to exonerate my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend; both of which are HUGE contributing factors to my mental health issues. 

Not only is my doctor doubling the amount of Cipralex I'm taking, but has also 'fast tracked' me to a local Head-Shrinker.  Maybe he feels MORE talk therapy will help?  Again, who knows? 

No, I'm not sitting here contemplating suicide.  That ship sailed long ago.  What is on my mind though, is hard to explain.  Concentrating on a single thought is no longer a luxury for me.  It's like my mind is racing from thought to thought.  Each one as unlikely as the next.  I'm constantly worried about my son, although I know 's safe.  Always worrying about my step-children, although I know they're safe.  Worrying about my wife/girlfriend, although I know she's safe.  And then thinking about work, and how much I want to be there, but know I can't be.  I don't think I'm safe there.  By that I mean, I'll not be concentrating, and could hurt myself, or someone else.  That's also a constant fear.  But then again, it makes no sense to me.  The likelihood of that happening, is slim to none.  I'm well trained on the equipment I use, and am quite proficient with it. 
See what I mean?  Each scenario is less likely than the next to occur. 

That's all I've got to say today.  Thanks for reading.

Keep smiling!!