Germany and Weddings

This week has been quite hectic for me.  I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
I had plans to do a tonne of things around the house, but really only managed to do a bit of laundry, a minute amount of cleaning, and cut the grass.

Yes, I'm still not working, as per my doctors orders.  To be honest, if he won't let me go back to work soon, I don't think I'll have a job to go back to.  Although, that may also be for the best.  Who knows, right?
That's a question I'm not sure I want to know the answer too, just yet.  I still get really uncomfortable thinking about work.  I can't explain it.

My wife/girlfriend and I have also been trying to figure out how to get some extra money, so her daughter, my stepdaughter can go on a school exchange trip to Germany. 
Since I'm STILL not working, our home has no become a Single-Income-Family.  Not too much fun when you've been used to living on pretty much DOUBLE the income, right?  And, as per my doctors orders, he keeps telling me that I shouldn't apply of Unemployment Insurance, because everything will be covered by Workers Compensation.  At this point, it doesn't mater, because the money has all but run out.

My wonderful stepdaughter, as bright as she is, even started a fund raising website, to try to make some money for the trip to Germany she wishes to make next school year.  Please feel free to check it out, and share that site, or this blog with your friends.

Tomorrow (Saturday), I'm officiating (yes I'm ordained) a wedding of two friends.
It'll be a fun, and joyous day for everyone involved.  So yes, I'm a wee bit nervous about that too.  You know everyone's greatest fear... Public speaking.  There will be about 80-ish people there.  All but just a small handful I don't know.  But then again, this is THEIR wedding, not mine.  I know deep down it'll work out just fine.  But still, I'm pretty fucking nervous!

Now the real reason I write here:  Mental Illness

Yes, today is World Mental Illness Day.  To be honest, I was completely unaware of this until this morning, watching a morning news show, on TV.  I guess that just goes to show that I'm either not in the loop, or mental illness isn't getting the coverage it needs.  There's still a pretty big stigma attached to it.  What 'normals' don't understand is that mental illness is just that:  An illness.  Something you can't see.  Like Cancer.  You can't 'see' Cancer, yet the sufferer more often than not knows it's there.  The same things with Mental Health.  However, like Cancer, there are still some people out there that don't REALLY understand what's wrong.  The don't KNOW they need help, or they won't go to get that help, because of the stigma society still places on those 'crazy people'.

I can tell you right now, without a word of a lie, that if it wasn't for me ASKING for help from my doctor, and talking with my friends and family about my Mental Illness, I would be writing this blog from a pine box.  That's just how bad it has gotten for me in the past.  Thankfully, I got the help I needed, and I have a very strong support system around me.  Lest I forget the medication I'm on.  Despite my dose being doubled not too long ago, I'm still not sure if it's having that BIG of an affect on me.  I'm still a bit on the glum side, and still don't like the thought of going back to work.  I'm not sure of I'd feel the same way if I got a different job, or if it's the whole 'leaving the house' thing.  Almost like Agoraphobia.  I guess time will tell.  I'm still waiting to see a shrink.... But then again, I'm moving at the speed of Canadian Mental Health, which certainly isn't as fast as one would like.

Keep smiling! 

Mind and Money Issues

So, the last few days have been pretty good (emotionally) for me.  Although, the thought of going back to work still scares the shit out of me.

Not working has also added a bit of undue stress on the home front.  We're really noticing my income missing.  So much so, I may have to take my brand new 2014 Honda CR-V back.  That wouldn't be detrimental, but certainly inconvenient. 

One of the plus sides of the dealership I bought my car from is:  They have a 'walk-away' clause.  So, if I lose my job, or something, I can just walk away.  However, mental illness ISN'T covered in that clause.  So, that leave me/us with a bit of a problem, don't you think?

That aside, things are still pretty stressful here.  Money is tight, and we're all starting to notice.  I've no doubt I'll eventually get covered for the time I've been off work, however, the question is 'when?' And how much?

The way it's starting to look for me, despite being on stronger drugs, and more intense therapy is, I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to work.  Not to mention how inconsiderate the nurse at my work is being.  She KNOWS full well that I have extreme difficulties going to work, yet she insists she sees me once a week while I'm off.  That's the part I fail to understand.  The issue isn't not being able to do my job.  I'm certain I could perform my duties.... I just can't GO there.  Maybe mental health doesn't exist in her world? Or in the world of my employer?
What do you think?

Keep smiling!!

Garbage Day

So, today started out pretty normally for me.  The kids went to school, and the girlfriend/wife went to work.  Pretty regular, 'eh?

After I was home, and everyone had gone out for their daily duties, I needed to phone my doctor.  I needed him to fill out some asinine forms for my work (since I've been off for almost a month now). 
Since the nurse at my work doesn't seem to know how to properly operate a FAX machine, and failed to FAX said forms to my doctor, she instead had to send them to me, so I could hand deliver these silly forms to my doctor for her.
So, I drove the twenty minutes to my doctor's office to hand deliver these forms that the nurse at my work failed to send, and hoped that my doctor could fill them out for me, so I could hand deliver them to the said nurse.
Yes, the nurse at my work wants to see me once a week, to see how I'm progressing.

In a phone call to her, I mentioned that my doctor suggested this may be related to an injury I sustained at work about a month and a half ago, and that he'd like to try to get things handled through the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board, she said, and I quote, "I'd like to see how he's going to do that.  If that's the case, I'll have you into work tonight on modified duties". 
I suppose she missed the day in 'Nurse School' when they were teaching them all about mental health.   The issue isn't not being able to work.  I'm pretty physically fit, and I know I can do my job.  The issue is being there.  However, I don't know why.
I have a good job, an easy job, and work with great people.

Even driving there today with my girlfriend/wife, (though, I'm not sure if she noticed), I was incredibly uncomfortable throughout most of the drive there.  I was tense, and a million things were going through my mind.  Most learned people would call that a Panic Attack. 
That's exactly what it was.  Even just sitting in the nurses office at work, I wanted to be anywhere else.  It felt as though I was sitting at the gates of Hell, just waiting to walk through. 

The trouble with mental health issues is, unless you've been personally affected by it in some way, you just don't understand it. 
Despite all this Bell Let's Talk campaign, All the press Robin Williams' death has had, and all the hard work on Mental Health that Michael Landsberg has done, not enough people (particularly in the Health Care field) no enough or anything about Mental Health.



I'm not angry.  I'm simply upset because the people who should know best what it is that I'm dealing with, are either ignorant, or very apathetic about this issue. 

So that's my day in a nutshell.  Now I'm off to spend the rest of the evening with my fantastic girlfriend/wife.

Keep smiling!!

Follow-up Exam

As requested by my doctor, I went for a 'follow-up' appointment today, with regards to the increase in my medication, and how I'm feeling over all.  Turns out I'm worse.  My doctor wants me off work for at least another month. 
I spoke with the nurse at my work, and it doesn't seems as though they want me off.  They want me back to work, and/or a detailed outline from my doctor saying what steps he's taking to have me in shape for work again.  To be honest, I don't know if that day will be anytime in the near future. 

So now I'm getting pressure from work, despite the fact I'm doing my best to try to feel better, and my doctor is doing everything he can to get me the help I need.  I want to be able to work.  To feel useful.  To contribute to my family.  I just cannot do that right now.  I don't know why.  I don't really care why.  I just want to get better!

While I was at my doctor's this morning, I filled out another 'Anxiety questionnaire' thing, and I scored off the charts.  A much higher score than last time.  Which means I'm much worse off than the last time I filled out that questionnaire. 

To be honest with you folks, when I'm home with my family, I feel fine.  Almost NORMAL.  The thought of going to work, or not being around my loved ones, almost brings me to tears.

You should have seen me this morning, driving to my doctor's.  I was shaking, and didn't want to go.  Simply because I was petrified he'd tell me I was good to go back to work.  Yes, I had a panic attack while driving.  Trust me, it's not the most wonderful of situations.  Not to mention how uncomfortable I felt sitting in the waiting room. 
Again, panic attacks are new to me.  I still don't know how to handle them.  I suppose I should have pulled over, but I was going to be late for my appointment.  Plus, the nurse at work was on my back to get information from my doctor to her.  Fuck!  Doesn't she understand I don't want to go there?  The whole reason I'm not there is because I physically CAN'T go.  I don't know why.  Do you?

Keep smiling!

The Demons Are Back

So, the last few weeks have been pretty shitty for me.  I've said in previous posts that I suffer from Depression, and now Anxiety.
I was feeling a little bit better last night, and this morning.  However, this afternoon, those demons have started to rear their ugly heads again.  Trust me, it sucks.

Even with the doubling of my medication, and with attempts to remain busy, it still seems to find a way into my everyday life, yet again. 

The best way to describe how I'm feeling is darkness.  A constant shadow following me around.  Fighting to keep the demons at bay.  Sometimes I can do it, other times (such as now), they're too strong.  All I can do is weather the storm. 
That's the best I can do for now.  Maybe the new dosage of my Cipralex will make things different.  Who knows?  Right now, the only positives I see in my life, is spending time with my girlfriend/wife, her children, and my son. 

However, this weekend is the local Fall Fair.  Maybe that will bring my spirits up, and thwart off those demons?  I suppose only time will tell. 

To be honest, I didn't really feel like writing anything today, but in the past, it has worked as a kind of therapy for me.  Doesn't seem so this time.

Keep Smiling!

LTD....?

As I posted a few days ago, I was having a pretty rough time.  As a result, I went to see my doctor yesterday (for a follow-up on my medication change/increase). 
As it turns out, I suppose my doctor didn't like the answers I was giving him to specific questions, and as a result, placed me on LTD (Long Term Disability).  That means NO work for me, for the foreseeable future. 

That's no so bad, as there are a lot of things I can do around the house (as we recently moved).

However, once done doing what needs to be done around the house, I'm at a loss for things to do.

Emotionally, I'm fine.  However, the thought of going to work scares the shit out of me.  Which is odd.  I like my job, a well trained monkey could do my job.  I like the people that I work with, and all-around enjoy my job.  However, the simple thought of going there creates HUGE anxiety, and I don't want to go.  I don't know why.  So much so, that last Tuesday, I even turned around, and came home, after getting about half-way to work.  On Wednesday, I managed to get to work, but left after just two hours. 

I can't explain it.  Neither can my doctor, which is probably why he referred mt to a therapist.  I got in pretty quickly too:  Tomorrow.  Maybe that means he's really concerned?

So, a run-down of my last few weeks:

• A few weeks ago, I started to feel a bit down.  So much so, that my girlfriend and kids noticed.
• I still went to work, but wasn't entirely feeling like my mind wasn't in the game, if you know what I mean? 
• Last Monday, I called off work, because I just couldn't go.
• The next day, Tuesday, I made it half-way to work, then turned around, and came home.
• The following day, Wednesday, I made it to work.  The moment I got there, I knew I shouldn't be there.  So, I left after about two hours and twenty minutes into my shift.  

• The next morning, I called my doctor, and was seen by him that afternoon.  He then doubled the dose of Cipralex (now 20mg a day), that I'm taking.  He also wrote a note for my work, excusing me from work for that whole week.

That brings us to Monday (yesterday), and me sitting at home, writing a post for you to read, and/or comment on/share.

So now our house only has ONE income, as we're trying to figure out if I am eligible to receive ODSP or CDP. The trouble being:  I don't know yet if I'm off work indefinitely, or just temporarily. 

I guess now it's just a waiting game.  I'll be sure to keep you all posted.

Keep smiling! 

Double Dose

As I posted yesterday: Days From Hell, pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately.

I've decided to take the rest of the week off work (yes I have a doctor's note), and have had my prescription for Cipralex DOUBLED, to 20 mg.  Maybe that'll do the job, maybe not?

After visiting with my doctor this morning, it turns out that I'm more anxious, than anything.  I can't explain it.  It's been my experience though, that saying

someone is anxious, or nervous, is just like saying "We don't know what the Hell is wrong, so here's more drugs".

As I've written several times in my other blog,  MY WORLD, I'm not a big fan of SSRI's, or any other mind-altering psychotropic drug, for that matter.  

I don't understand why I'm axious.  I have a good job.  I like the people that I work with.  It's an easy job, really.  Hell, even a well trained monkey could do what I do.  I suppose that's one of the reason's why it's called 'unskilled labour'?

I have a great home life.  I have a girlfriend who loves me very much.  She has two children, both of whom I love, and am pretty darn certain they love me back.  I have a wonderful eight year old son, who yes, lives two hours away with his mother, but we have a great relationship, nonetheless.  


So yes, not only am I suffering from Depression, but also Anxiety now.  Nothing like kickin' a guy while he's down, 'eh? 

I also have a concern that this is a genetic problem.  I have an aunt and her son, my cousin, who are both bat-shit crazy.  On more medications than one can count, and in and out of the 'loony bins' most of their lives. 
I never really thought about that, until just recently.  That's not in any way an attempt to exonerate my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend; both of which are HUGE contributing factors to my mental health issues. 

Not only is my doctor doubling the amount of Cipralex I'm taking, but has also 'fast tracked' me to a local Head-Shrinker.  Maybe he feels MORE talk therapy will help?  Again, who knows? 

No, I'm not sitting here contemplating suicide.  That ship sailed long ago.  What is on my mind though, is hard to explain.  Concentrating on a single thought is no longer a luxury for me.  It's like my mind is racing from thought to thought.  Each one as unlikely as the next.  I'm constantly worried about my son, although I know 's safe.  Always worrying about my step-children, although I know they're safe.  Worrying about my wife/girlfriend, although I know she's safe.  And then thinking about work, and how much I want to be there, but know I can't be.  I don't think I'm safe there.  By that I mean, I'll not be concentrating, and could hurt myself, or someone else.  That's also a constant fear.  But then again, it makes no sense to me.  The likelihood of that happening, is slim to none.  I'm well trained on the equipment I use, and am quite proficient with it. 
See what I mean?  Each scenario is less likely than the next to occur. 

That's all I've got to say today.  Thanks for reading.

Keep smiling!!