Family: Nobody Love You Like We Love You...

I know I haven't posted on here in a while... Close to two years, I think.  By and large, over those two years, I've been doing pretty well.  Until yesterday.

My grandmother passed away this winter, and her internment was yesterday.  It wasn't that specifically that did me in.  It was my relatives.  You know the ones I mean.  You grow up with the cousins and aunts and uncles... You see them at minimum once every month.  Then as you grow older, it's more of a Thanksgiving, and Christmas thing.
I haven't seen many of them over the last four of five years, due to my battles with metal illness.  Brought on entirely by my fantastically simplistic ex-girlfriend. 

Leper

I thought (selfishly) that most, if not all of my relatives would be excites to see me.  Ask where I've been.  What I've been up to.  If I'm OK.  out of the forty or more that were there, just ONE came up to talk to me, to ask me all those wonderful questions a concerned relative would ask.  The rest treated me like a Leper.
It kind of pissed me off.  You know, the fact the seemed to believe what my ex-girlfriend had accused me of.

From the moment I arrived, I felt unwelcome.  I knew I had made a mistake in showing up.  But, it was for my grandmother, and I was asked to be a Pall Bearer.

I must say though, I had a pleasant conversation with my cousin and his girlfriend.  Made pans to go fishing later this year. 

I wish I had stayed longer to talk with my one cousin, but I clearly wasn't feeling the love from anyone else, with the exception on my parents and siblings.  So I made up a lame excuse to leave early.

Thinking I'd be feeling better after leaving, that turned out to be a lie. The ways my aunts, uncles and even my now grownup cousins looked at me. Avoided eye contact, and even flat out ignored me, is still eating me up inside.

I don't blame them entirely. After all, I can't control HIW they think. The lions share of the blame however doesn't even go to me. It goes to my conveniently religious ex-girlfriend, R.D.C. 

Stay strong.

Depression: 1-0-1

It's been a while since I posted here, and almost as long since I posted on my other blog, Stekel's View.  I don't really have an excuse.  I've been feeling pretty desent.  I've just been lazy, I suppose.

In five (5) days from now, it will be Bell Let's Talk Day, yet again.
This has been going on for a number of years now, and despite all the publicity, people only tend to talk about mental illness for just one day a year.
I've been living with Depression/Anxiety for just about five years now.  Some people don't understand what that is, or what it's like.  Let me help you understand:

Right now, I feel 'OK'. In 10 minutes, I don't know how I'll feel. If I stand up the wrong way? Or see something on TV? Or hear something on the radio? It's likely going to send me right off the deep end, straight down into the dark with the demons. That's what I live with every minute of every day.  The best way to describe how I'm feeling is darkness.  A constant shadow following me around.  Fighting to keep the demons at bay.  Sometimes I can do it, other times (such as now), they're too strong.  All I can do is weather the storm.

That's what living with Depression is like, in a roundabout way.  Think you could handle it?  Some of the strongest, bravest, and happiest people you know and see daily are likely suffering from some form of mental illness.  Remember that.  They're just too brave to talk about it.  They feel they can
handle this battle on their own.  However, it's an illness.  Just like a flu, or even Cancer.  It's a life changing battle, and we all need help.  Be it Talk Therapy, or Mind Altering Chemicals.  Hell, some people just need to be a bit more active in their lives, and that could do the trick.

That all being said, I implore you to read this post again.  To share it with your friends on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, whatever your choice of Social Media is.  Thank you muchly.

Keep Smiling!

On Top Of The Hill

I know, I know... It's been quite a long time since I've posted on here.  The reason for that is simple: I've been on top of the world for the last couple of months.  I haven't had a single BAD day.  Maybe it's the Krill Oil I've been taking?  Maybe

I'm just in a fantastic place in my life..... FINALLY.  Or maybe, just maybe, shit is finally good for me?  Reallky, I don't know, and I don't care.  I just knwo I've been feeling fantastic for the last couple of months. As a result, I don't plan on changing things in my life right now.  Shit's good, so let's keep it good.

Also, over the last month or so, I've decided to try out my Green Thumb.  I've planted several different vegetables in my two gardens, and am currently hoping for the best.  The only veggies that seem to be showing any growth thus far is my pumpkins.  That's likely because I planted them about six weeks ago in my greenhouse, since they have such a long growing time. 
I'll keep you posted on my vegetables... Not to worry.

It's been 4 1/2 years since I was officially diagnosed with Depression/Anxiety.  I tell ya', it's been a long, and bumpy ride.  Some days are UPS, other days are DOWNS.  You just learn to deal with it, with your various coping mechanisms.  That's what I did.  There was a time, not too long ago, that I swore up and down that I would never take mind-altering drugs.  But, look at me, I've been on Cipralex for three years, and Welbutrin for about 8 months.  I'm feeling 110% now. 

I still have an unnatural phobia about going back to my old job.  However, I've

been looking around locally, and have even heard back from a place this morning.  It's not much, but at least I'm LOOKING, right?  I suppose it's time for me to find out if it's actual work I'm afraid of, or my old job, specifically. But first, I think I'll need to get the job, 'eh?  I'll keep you posted, as soon as I know.  I promise this time. 

Aside from making a weak attempt at trying to go back to work, I'm still thoroughly enjoying being a Domestic Engineer.  Cleaning, relaxing, being a

chauffeur, and all around keeping myself busy.  
The downside of going back to work is, I won't always be home to cook dinner, or spend as much time with my fantastically awesome girlfriend, and kids.  The upside however is, more money.  However, the fact that I'm working may make it harder and harder to get approve for, and collect ODSP.


Keep smiling!

Lost My Muse

I know it's been a while since I've written here.  As a matter of fact, it's been a while since I've posted on my other two blogs. 
Despite being incredibly busy lately with my wonderful girlfriend/wife, plus her

two children, and my one, I've been essentially spending the last couple of months living for those four.  I'm not complaining, it's just a fact. 

We've also been battling through some money issues (since I still cannot work), so this is the point where I humbly ask that you share this blog with all of your friends, and help support it by clicking to the right, or the bottom, please.

That being said, things are totally on track with me mentally.  I've been taking my 10mg of Cipralex, and 300mg of Wellbutrin daily now.  Along with Extra Strength Krill Oil.  I don't now what those three pills do, but whatever it is, it's working.

I won't lie, I've been a little stressed however.  Next week, my 9 year old son is going to see a specialist, and more than likely be diagnosed with Aspergers.  Which isn't a terribly bad thing.  However, I've been mentioning it for years to his mother, but she refused to get him tested.  NOW that someone through his school has mentioned it, she's decided to listen.  Make sense to you? 

But, that's neither here nor there.  I love my boy.  That's all that matters.  But, maybe now he'll get the help he needs, right?  But right now, that's the only thing that's been bothering me.  But really, it shouldn't.

I've also started exercising a bit.  Not much, though.  I'm back into walking.  I remember back when I didn't have a car, I walked everywhere.  I lived in a town of about 30,000 people, so it was big, but not too big.  I used to walk everywhere.  It was great.  I could walk almost anywhere in town in thirty minutes or less.  So, it wasn't really an inconvenience. 
When I'm at home, I'm most often doing stuff around the house.  Laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc....  So, I'm managing to keep myself busy. 

Maybe it's the Krill Oil that's giving me the extra energy?  Regardless, it feels good.  I'm not sad any-more.  I don't really feel 'Depressed'.  I suppose that's a

good thing.  But, I will endeavour to write here as often as I can.  I know for a fact that there are people who read this blog and use it as a crutch, or as motivation to seek the help they need.  To start talking about it.  Which really is the goal here. 

I highly recommend trying the Krill Oil to help boost your mood, and give yourself some energy.  You don't need a prescription for it.  You can find it in any drug store.  Don't replace your medication with the Krill Oil, take it in conjunction with your current medications. 
Hey, it's worth a try, isn't it? 

Keep smiling!

Changing The World.....

So, yesterday was my Birthday.  I turned 37.  It's hard to believe that so much shit has happened to me in those 37 years.  It's also hard to believe that I'm having such issues in my life, for being the ripe old age of 37. 

                                                                                                                                     

It's also come to my attention that my inability to work due to my mental issues is taking it's toll not just on me, but to everyone around me.  Not that I'm home all the time, but financially. 

I just don't know what to do.  I know there are a tonne of options out there, such as government funding, etc.  But, the unfortunate part about it is:  They don't view Depression as a disability.  So, it would be like jumping through hoops, just to get an adjudicator to listen to my case.
I WANT to work, I'm just not able to.
I know there are millions of people out there that say that.  I would argue that the majority of them are just lazy.  But, there are the people like me.  The ones who want to to work.  The ones who are physically able to work.  But just aren't mentally able to.  I know, that since you're reading this post, you can understand and even empathise with my situation.  Unfortunately, this argument falls on deaf ears when it comes to the people that matter.  the ones who can make the decisions, and affect change.  Those are our politicians.  

I was recently talking with a young lady I used to go to church with in my youth.  She is having the exact same problems I'm having. She also suffers from Depression.  Unlike me, she is able to work, but just minimal hours.  Because she is able to work a very small amount, our lovely government will NOT support her. 

Recently, there was a Mental Health Awareness Day, promoted by Bell Canada.  Their promotion was to raise money, and raise awareness about Mental Health.  In just ONE DAY, they raise more money for Mental Health initiatives than the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT gives to Mental Health in an entire year. 

It's makes my stomach turn when I see a telephone company doing more for the 1-in-5 Canadians that suffer from Mental Health issues, than our elected officials. 

Let's take a quick look at how SERIOUS our leaders are about Mental Illnesses:


January - Alzheimer's Awareness Month

February - Heart Month

March - Childhood Arthritis Month

April - Dental Health Month

May - Medic Alert Month

June - ALS Awareness Month

July - NOTHING

August - NOTHING

September - Men's Cancer Health Awareness Month

October - Autism Awareness Month
(Oct 4 - Oct10) - Mental Illness Awareness Week

November - Diabetes Month

December - NOTHING

I would argue that 1-in-5 Canadians who suffer from some form of Mental Illness deserves a lot more than one week in October from our Federal Government, and one day in January or February from a local phone company.  Don't you?

The bottom line is:  There is almost NO funding for people who suffer from mental illnesses.  People who are unable to work due to their mental illness need to jump through some serious hoops to be heard, and then ultimately denied funding. 

I want to work.  I just can't.  Help me support myself and my family, or give me the resources to be able to go back to work!

Freakin’….

 

 
    It's been a few days since I sat down to write here. I've had a few very busy days. But, being busy doesn't ALWAYS help. I used to think that if I kept myself busy, and active, it would help to make me feel better. Up until recently, that was true.

 
I spent most of the weekend at a hockey tournament. It was fun, it was exciting. I love watching my stepson play hockey. I've rediscovered a long lost love for watching local hockey. I used to go to plenty of local hockey games growing up. However, it seems that life seems to get in the way sometimes, and I just didn't have the time to get to more hockey games throughout the last number of years. Not to mention, (and I always seems to be harping on one specific ex-girlfriend), my ex-girlfriend, hated watching LIVE sports. Despite the fact that she was always very active, and athletic. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

 

Over the last ten or so years, I used to frequent a local watering hole. A very dear friend of mine is a DJ there. That bar was always the one gathering place where all our friends would get together. Despite having busy lives, we all knew that was the one place we could all meet, talk, and have a good time. For the past several months, I haven't been going out as often as I used to. Not just for financial reasons, but also because I just didn't want to leave the house. I've kind of 'hermatised' myself lately. I have no one to blame for that behavior but myself, and possibly the one human being on the planet who I say is solely responsible for my current mental state.

 
Needless to say, after a long day of watching hockey, I decided to go out to said watering hole. Back in the day (before my ex-girlfriend single-handedly ruined my life), I wouldn't think twice about staying at the bar all night. Until it closed down for the evening. Leaving around 3:00 AM. Then going for a coffee, or a drive with a few of my closest friends.

It's been a long time since I've done that. As a matter of fact, it's been a long time since I even stayed at that bar until after midnight. This past weekend was no different. I went, I had a beer, and managed to stay until shortly after midnight. That's it. I paid my tab, said "good-bye" to a couple people, and left. I drove home, and went straight to bed.

You'd think it would have been a good night out for me. I spoke to a couple guys I haven't seen, or spoken to for the better part of a decade. I got to see a couple of my closest friends, whom I haven't really seen or spoken to a lot lately. But, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stay. I don't know why. A panic attack, an incredibly BAD thought, and I find myself in my car, driving home.
So has been my life for the last couple of years.
I've tried to keep myself busy. I've been TRYING to do things around the house. I just don't have it in me. It's not that I'm lazy. I enjoy working, and stuff like that. I enjoy getting my hands dirty. I just don't know why I haven't been able to do that lately.
My doctor went and changed my medication, as I told you. Yeah, I feel a bit better, but it's a far fucking cry from where I was mentally and emotionally a few years ago.
Sadly, I can say that there are times when I can understand why self-harm/suicide is NOT the worst thought someone could have. I'd never act on it, but yes, I can certainly understand the thoughts.

 
Keep smiling.

Stuck In The Middle

 
    The last week or so hasn't been the best week. Not that I'm having issues with my head, but because everyone else around me is having problems. Not specifically mentally. More hormonally, or stress related. I really can't say for 100% certainty, but I'd wager some money on it.

 
I've also spent the last year or so, but more recently the last couple of weeks trying to find the time AND courage to finally sit down and write. Not just blog, but to sit down, and write a gut-wrenching tale, that will likely be the most painful, and pleasurable thing I'll ever write.
It seems the only time I can find is when I'm lying in bed, in the middle of the night. I'd absolutely love to get up and start writing, but I don't want to wake up my girlfriend/wife, or anyone else in the house, for that matter.
When I find myself at home throughout the day, I just don't have it in me to sit, and commit the time I need. I suppose my former life (up all night and sleeping most days) truly is what I need. The most unfortunate part is: No one else in my house is quite as nocturnal as I am. Maybe someday in the near future I'll convince myself to do just that.

 
Now that I'm slowly getting used to taking my new meds (Zoloft), I'm finding that I have a bit of a temper. Like I said previously, this is a foreign feeling for me. I NEVER get angry. I don't even get upset. So, when I find myself blowing up at the simplest of things, I'm taken aback. Why is this happening to me? Why do I feel this way?

 
I'm sitting here in front of my computer, with a million things to write down, and to share. It's all in my head, but none of it wants to come out of me. I suppose this is called "Writer's block"? Or, is it something a little more sinister? I don't know.

 
Keep smiling!