HOPE

So it's been a few days since I last posted here.  I've been happily busy with work, and a much better home life. 
I keep having Good Day after Good Day at work, and at home.

I can honestly tell you that I don't miss those dark days that used to be my life.  Waking up everyday not knowing what the day will be like.  But, deep inside already knowing it'll be a Bad Day.

Using the very dim light I occasionally found on those dark days, I did plenty of research.  Trying to find ways (without the use of mind altering chemicals), to battle my demons, and win.... Or at least survive to fight them another day.

After a few months of trying everyday to battle my demons, and barely winning, my now ex-girlfriend did the absolute worst thing she could ever do to someone suffering from Depression.  
Needless to say, I went right off the deep end, and there were many days I was closer than I ever thought I would be to ending it all.  I kept my pain quite well hidden from everyone close to me.  However, I did make an appointment with my Family Doctor for a 'Mental Health Check-up'.  Within minutes of seeing me, me not being able to speak a full sentence, and with tears running down my cheeks, my Doctor wrote me a life saving prescription.  

About two and a half weeks later, it was like I became a new man.  Or rather, I was back to being my old, cheerful self. 

It's been about a year and a half since my life turned upside down.  I'm now in an exceptionally happy place.  I like with three people whom I love very much.  I see my son as often as I wish, and have a job I thoroughly enjoy. 

On a side note:  There is a reader who is anonymously commenting on this blog.  Please contact me through my email, and we can talk there.  skelly1178@live.ca
Keep smiling!

"Never underestimate the pain of a person. Because in all honesty, everyone hurts. Some people just hide it better than others."                  ~ unknown

Happiness is....

I know it's been quite a while since I last posted, but I've been incredibly busy (work), and sleeping.

I've been keeping to my regular daily routine, and taking my medication every day.  I've been feeling wonderful lately. 
As of lately, I have no complaints.  I've recently received a new follower on Twitter.  A Canadian music celebrity, who also suffers from Depression.  I was actually quite honoured when I got the e-mail that she was a new follower of mine.

Like I've said many times before, it looks as though the days of battling my demons are behind me.  Although, I don't know if that's just because of my medication, or because of my lifestyle changes.  I am living with the most fantastic girlfriend in the world, with the most wonderful kids in the world.  Notwithstanding my own son, whom I speak with regularly, and see regularly, too.  So, needless to say, I'm a VERY happy guy! 

I really don't know what more to write here.  I'm no longer waking up everyday, worried if it will be a GOOD day, or a BAD day.  For the last several months, everyday has been a GOOD day. 

The best advice I can give to you is; don't worry about being happy again.  Don't fret because you've almost forgotten that feeling.  You'll find happiness again.  You'll be content again.  It may be doing something as simple as a slight lifestyle change.  The one thing that changed my life around, and I believe this wholeheartedly is:  My fantastic girlfriend, and her/our children.  To me, life is damned near perfect with them around me. 

That's all it takes.  A simple, little change in your life.  Maybe not finding a new mate.  Maybe a new job?  Or quit smoking, or drinking?  A seemingly small or 'nothing' change in your life, could be the most important thing in the world to you.  You may never know.  Or, you may opt for mind altering chemicals, like I did.  But find later that it's the need of having an individual around.  I'm still not brave enough to stop taking Cirpalex.  It may not make that much of a difference.  However, that's not a risk I'm willing to take....  Yet.

Changing Routine

If you recall, the other day, I said I like routine.  I live for routine.  Hence why I work in a factory.  Doing the same thing, over and over.  I thrive.
However, the nice people at my work has gone and changed things up a bit.  I'm still doing the exact same job, just on a different shift.  With new co-workers, but in the same surroundings. 

So, not only am I pretty angry/upset that I have been changed shifts, but I'm also concerned about all the new people I'll be working with.  I've gotten pretty close to a handful of the people I already work with daily. 

In case you haven't yet noticed, yes, I'm panicking quite a bit.  This is a new/odd sensation for me, since I DON'T panic.  So, now I don't know what to do?  And, to make matters worse, for the second week in a row, my pay cheque didn't get Direct Deposited into my bank account.  Now I have to drive n hour out of the way, on my way to work, just to pick up my hard earned money.  Kind of sounds like the world is against me lately, 'eh? 

But, there's an upside to this:  It's Friday.  My work week is over.  I have to go into work tomorrow (Saturday), though for some training on a new machine.  After that, I'm off to pick up my son for the day, and for the night.  With the girlfriend and kids gone for the weekend, it'll be the first time in a REALLY long time I'll get to hang out with my son, alone.  No other distractions.  This is something I know he really needs, and I think I need it too.  I think it'll definitely be good for my weary mental health.

Keep Smiling!!

Day From Hell

So yesterday really sucked.  Not only am I still feeling horrible over my little mistake the other day, but to top things off: Yesterday, for maybe the third time in the last 18+ months), I forgot to take my medication (Cipralex) in the morning. 
Needless to say, the entire day was mortifying.  I thought everyone was talking about me behind my back.  I wasn't doing anything right at work.  I saw the president of the company there, and I was completely convinced he was there to personally fire me. 

I was in a bit of a rush yesterday morning, to get out of the house, and off to work.  I realised, about half-way to work (which is about a 40 minute drive from home), that I hadn't taken my daily dose of Cirpalex.  Once I realised I hadn't

forgotten my medication, I instantly was horrified.  I knew what the day would be like.  I half expected to curl up in the fetal position at work, and cry like a little girl.  That didn't happen. 
Although, I'm not going to lie:  There were several times throughout the day yesterday, that I just wanted to leave, and come home.  I didn't think my brain could handle the pressures. 
I knew the President wasn't there to fire me.  Deep down, I truly knew that.  However, I also 'knew' people were talking about me.  I don't know what they were 'saying', as their voices were just muffled sounds most of the time.  I know now, after being re-medicated for almost 30 hours now, that all those thoughts were just foolhardy.  But, that's just how much my brain depends on those Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. 

So yes, that's JUST how affective That drug is on my brain.  I used to swear up and down that I would never, in a million years take a mind altering chemical.  But guess what, This particular SSRI works.                  

                                                                                                     Escitalopram

So, there you go.  My first real BAD day in about eighteen months.  And, it was all because I forgot to take one tiny little pill when I got out of the shower yesterday morning.  Granted, it was about 4:45AM, but that's not a good enough excuse for me.  I have made it a habit of mine to take my medication after my shower, and before I brush my teeth.  Kind of like a routine.  A routine I don't stray from.
I shower every morning, as well as brush my teeth.

My day doesn't really seem to start, until I've had a shower, and brushed my teeth.  Kind of like your day doesn't start without a coffee, or cigarette?  That's just how I am.  I like routine.  Although, some people who know me, may argue otherwise.  But routine is good for me.  Because of the routine actions in my life, I was able to make it through the horrendous day I described above.  And, because of my routine days, I was able to differentiate between what I perceived as reality, and what was actual reality. 
Unfortunately, yesterday that was my reality.

Keep smiling!!

Narcissism At It's Worst

So, it seems my Narcissism has gotten the best of me, for the first time, in a VERY long time.   I made an error that nearly cost me everything in my life.  Now it seems the next few days, weeks, or even months will be spent trying to rectify said error.

I've learned a great deal from this. My actions don't always affect only me, but also to the lives of those nearest and dearest to me. 

The last 18 hours have been like a living Hell for me.  But, I'm trying my damnedest to tough through it.  To make things right.  To the way things were even just 24 hours ago. 

This is an aspect of my life that I have kept from you (my dear readers).  Yes, I'm very narcissistic.  But then again, that may simply be a part of my Depression?  I'm not sure. 
Learning from mistakes are an aspect of every one's life.  However, committing the same mistakes over and over is one of the detriments of society. This is probably going to be the biggest challenge of my life.  That includes my past with my even more narcissistic ex-girlfriend, and her actions that did in fact ruin my life.  Or, at least altered completely the course I can take in life.  There is nothing I wouldn't do to turn back the clock those few hours, and completely rethink my actions. 

Needless to say:  I fucked up.  But, I'm still remaining as strong as I can be.  I'm trying to mend the things I've broken (which I capitulate will take some time). 

The trouble with narcissism is:  TECHNICALLY, I did nothing wrong.  No one was hurt.  No actual action was made.  But, apparently, the world doesn't actually revolve around me.  That's the part I don't get:  Nothing ACTUALLY happened.  No one got hurt.  So why the fallout? 
I'm not an idiot:  Im' taking responsibility for my actions, and trying to fix the rifts I've created.  But why?  Because I'm in love.  The things you do for the people you love, 'eh?

The bottom line is:  I'm a narcissist.  Apparently that's a problem for some people.  However, I'm trying to fix that.  It's not that I'm selfish.  I'll admit that at times I can be.  But, I'm not often selfish.  Or, at least I try not to be.  Yes, I do know the difference between right and wrong.  Sometimes, I tend to ignore said limits.  To 'live on the edge', so to speak.  Make sense?  It does to me.

Keep smiling!