So, it's been quite a week! I started a new job on Tuesday. It's VERY physically demanding, so I'm in quite a bit of pain. But you know what? I LOVE this kind of pain. You know what I mean: The kind of pain you have after a good workout at the gym? That's how I feel.
I've also been in a fantastic mental state too. Again, like going to the gym, I seem to get those good old endorphins doing their job: Keeping me happy.
I LOVE working, but it doesn't leave me a whole lot of time to do the other things in life, that I've grown so accustomed to doing. I don't get to spend as much time with my girlfriend and her kids, or to see my son, or talk to him on the phone, or e-mail, or anything, due to the hours I've been working. Not to mention being able to do research, or writing for my OTHER blog: stekelsview.
But, all things considered, things are looking up for me. Not that I was down but, like is pretty effing fantastic right now! I'm still taking my medication daily, and am enjoying life almost to the fullest.
I have a fantastic girlfriend! She actually encourages me to go out with my friends. To spend more time with my loved ones. That's quite the contrary from the last woman I dated. She seemed to resent my friends and family, and almost forbade me to do ANYTHING that didn't include her, and/or staying home. The saddest part about that is: she had me almost convinced that that was NORMAL. Talk about psychological abuse,'eh? But, that's almost all behind me now. I've seen that there are many more people in the world, other than my abusive ex-girlfriend.
Needless to say, shit's looking pretty darn good for me now! I'm in a great place in my life (psychologically and otherwise), and the sky's the limit!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Dealing WIth The Stigma
The purpose of yesterday's blog had it's intended affect. I just had a good talk with my new friend, and I quickly realised she's having all the same feelings and fears I had a few years ago.
She understands that a mental illness is just that, an illness. However, she did voice to me, "I don't want to be sick, though". That's completely understandable. No one WANTS to be sick.
I know all the feelings and emotions she's going through right now. When you're down, you feel as though you'll never cheer up, and you would give almost anything to make that feeling go away.
When you're happy however, you feel on top of the world! There's nothing you can't handle. You feel like your depression/anxiety is miles away. But, you also know that tomorrow could be quite different. Or even a few minutes from now. You're never really sure. That's the problem. You KNOW that sooner or later, this euphoric feeling will go away, and you fear it may never come back.
When those dark days started to outnumber the bright days, I knew I needed to seek help. I had had several people in my life who suffered from various mental illnesses, so I knew what was happening to me. As with my friend, she has people around her who love her, and can see what's happening.
We're doing the best we can to help her, and there are already positive signs.
Now I think we'll be moving at the speed of the Canadian Health Care System.... Which, despite being one of the best in the world, still has it's failings when it comes to Mental Health. However, with the support and love from her family and friends, this can be handled.
Like me, it won't be an easy battle, but it can, and will be won.
What I think she doesn't understand, is that despite all the stigma surrounding mental health issues, there are still plenty of high functioning and very successful people out there, that all suffer from various forms of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and the like.
The person that really opened my eyes to the issues facing mental health sufferers, was Michael Landsberg and his essay on his close and dear friend, Wade Belak.
Michael Landsberg, Clara Hughs, Daryl Strawberry, and a host of other very successful athletes all suffer from Depression. You really wouldn't know it, would you?
Most people who suffer, suffer in silence. They don't want to tell the world that they have something wrong with their head.
Often, whether you want to believe it or not, the most depressed person, is the happiest person. The last one you would ever suspect. They're over-compensating for their lack of happiness. Most 'normal' people don't see it that way. They just see a happy person. The life of the party. The next thing you know, they're gone.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Why not look into the present? Into the future? Help the people we can NOW. That's by-and-large why I write this blog. To help my friends. To help my family. To help complete strangers that feel like they don't have anywhere to turn.
Go to your doctor. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed. Talk to someone. That's how the healing starts.
She understands that a mental illness is just that, an illness. However, she did voice to me, "I don't want to be sick, though". That's completely understandable. No one WANTS to be sick.
I know all the feelings and emotions she's going through right now. When you're down, you feel as though you'll never cheer up, and you would give almost anything to make that feeling go away.
When you're happy however, you feel on top of the world! There's nothing you can't handle. You feel like your depression/anxiety is miles away. But, you also know that tomorrow could be quite different. Or even a few minutes from now. You're never really sure. That's the problem. You KNOW that sooner or later, this euphoric feeling will go away, and you fear it may never come back.
When those dark days started to outnumber the bright days, I knew I needed to seek help. I had had several people in my life who suffered from various mental illnesses, so I knew what was happening to me. As with my friend, she has people around her who love her, and can see what's happening.
We're doing the best we can to help her, and there are already positive signs.
Now I think we'll be moving at the speed of the Canadian Health Care System.... Which, despite being one of the best in the world, still has it's failings when it comes to Mental Health. However, with the support and love from her family and friends, this can be handled.
Like me, it won't be an easy battle, but it can, and will be won.
What I think she doesn't understand, is that despite all the stigma surrounding mental health issues, there are still plenty of high functioning and very successful people out there, that all suffer from various forms of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and the like.
The person that really opened my eyes to the issues facing mental health sufferers, was Michael Landsberg and his essay on his close and dear friend, Wade Belak.
Michael Landsberg, Clara Hughs, Daryl Strawberry, and a host of other very successful athletes all suffer from Depression. You really wouldn't know it, would you?
Most people who suffer, suffer in silence. They don't want to tell the world that they have something wrong with their head.
Often, whether you want to believe it or not, the most depressed person, is the happiest person. The last one you would ever suspect. They're over-compensating for their lack of happiness. Most 'normal' people don't see it that way. They just see a happy person. The life of the party. The next thing you know, they're gone.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Why not look into the present? Into the future? Help the people we can NOW. That's by-and-large why I write this blog. To help my friends. To help my family. To help complete strangers that feel like they don't have anywhere to turn.
Go to your doctor. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed. Talk to someone. That's how the healing starts.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
How It Starts....
I'm quite distressed right now. Not because of my own mental state, but because of the mental state of someone very close to me.
I'm not going to name names here (for privacy reasons of course). I'm certain this posting will get to her at some point.
However, I've been quite concerned about her for a few days now. I know I'm pretty new in her life, and I don't feel it's my place to say much, or anything at all.
But, if I were to sit down with her, and have a heart-to-heart, I'd explain to her that what she's currently going through, I dealt with a few years ago:
There were days when all I wanted to do was cry. Not for any particular reason. I just wanted to cry. My heart would begin to beat rapidly in my chest... Almost like a panic attack.
There were days when I didn't leave my house. Some of those days, I didn't even leave my bedroom. However, most days, (like her), I managed to drag my ass out of bed, and go to the gym. I didn't want to. I knew that. The ONLY reason I went every day was because I was banking on those endorphins in my brain to do their intended job. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't.
On occasion, I would go out with a few of my friends. Despite my best attempts to hide my demons from them, they easily saw through my failed disguise. They would often have fun things planned (mainly for my benefit). Even though I was out with my best friends, doing incredibly fun things, 95% of the time I would rather have been anywhere else.
More often than not, despite where I was, or went, I wanted to be elsewhere. When I was with people, I wanted to be alone. When I was alone, I wanted to be with people, to feel their friendship and their love.
There were days, that despite my best efforts, and the best efforts of my nearest and dearest, I felt like I'd never be cheerful again.
I imagine that's how my new friend is feeling.
I also found, that despite the horror stories I'd heard, Talk Therapy worked wonders for me. And, for a time, the therapy, with a daily dose of St. John's Wort was enough to keep my demons at bay.
For the time being, that worked well enough. However, do to certain events, the St. John's Wort just didn't cut it any more. I learned that after taking larger and larger doses. So, I bit the bullet, and went to see my doctor. As a result, I'm now on Cipralex, and feeling about a thousand times better!!
Granted, for the first week or so that I was on the Cipralex, I wasn't myself. I felt kind of like a zombie. Just existing. Not really IN the moment... If you know what I mean? Just kind of 'being'.
Needless to say, I got through it, as she will. Several of the people I grew up with didn't get through it. They lost their battle with Mental Illness. That's a battle no one ever needs to lose. I came close a few times. But talking about it helped. I don't mean just talking with my therapist either. I decided to open up to almost everyone in my life.
Mental Illness is just that: An illness. Like MS, a cold, or Cancer. If treated correctly, you can overcome it, and live a very long, healthy and productive life. More often than not, you can, and WILL beat it.
Good luck.
I'm not going to name names here (for privacy reasons of course). I'm certain this posting will get to her at some point.
However, I've been quite concerned about her for a few days now. I know I'm pretty new in her life, and I don't feel it's my place to say much, or anything at all.
But, if I were to sit down with her, and have a heart-to-heart, I'd explain to her that what she's currently going through, I dealt with a few years ago:
There were days when all I wanted to do was cry. Not for any particular reason. I just wanted to cry. My heart would begin to beat rapidly in my chest... Almost like a panic attack.
There were days when I didn't leave my house. Some of those days, I didn't even leave my bedroom. However, most days, (like her), I managed to drag my ass out of bed, and go to the gym. I didn't want to. I knew that. The ONLY reason I went every day was because I was banking on those endorphins in my brain to do their intended job. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't.
On occasion, I would go out with a few of my friends. Despite my best attempts to hide my demons from them, they easily saw through my failed disguise. They would often have fun things planned (mainly for my benefit). Even though I was out with my best friends, doing incredibly fun things, 95% of the time I would rather have been anywhere else.
More often than not, despite where I was, or went, I wanted to be elsewhere. When I was with people, I wanted to be alone. When I was alone, I wanted to be with people, to feel their friendship and their love.
There were days, that despite my best efforts, and the best efforts of my nearest and dearest, I felt like I'd never be cheerful again.
I imagine that's how my new friend is feeling.
I also found, that despite the horror stories I'd heard, Talk Therapy worked wonders for me. And, for a time, the therapy, with a daily dose of St. John's Wort was enough to keep my demons at bay.
For the time being, that worked well enough. However, do to certain events, the St. John's Wort just didn't cut it any more. I learned that after taking larger and larger doses. So, I bit the bullet, and went to see my doctor. As a result, I'm now on Cipralex, and feeling about a thousand times better!!
Granted, for the first week or so that I was on the Cipralex, I wasn't myself. I felt kind of like a zombie. Just existing. Not really IN the moment... If you know what I mean? Just kind of 'being'.
Needless to say, I got through it, as she will. Several of the people I grew up with didn't get through it. They lost their battle with Mental Illness. That's a battle no one ever needs to lose. I came close a few times. But talking about it helped. I don't mean just talking with my therapist either. I decided to open up to almost everyone in my life.
Mental Illness is just that: An illness. Like MS, a cold, or Cancer. If treated correctly, you can overcome it, and live a very long, healthy and productive life. More often than not, you can, and WILL beat it.
Good luck.
Happy Places & Keeping Busy
So, the last few days haven't been as trying as I would have suspected. I'm continuing to take my prescribed medication daily, and keeping a positive look on things.
I'm in quite a happy place in my life right now. I have an understanding girlfriend, with great kids. Not to mention my own fantastic little bundle of joy (he's eight now), whom I get to see and talk with whenever I wish.
I've even started going to a lot of minor hockey games. My girlfriends' son plays for a local team. Who knew that could be so much fun??! Needless to say, I'm keeping a smile on my face. It's starting to look like those sad, dark days are finally behind me. I think my demons have left me.
I will however, keep posting here as often as I can. After all, writing for me is a great form of therapy, and I don't want to take that away... Just yet... or ever.
I've learned how to deal with my ups ans downs. When I feel a dark dawn dawning, I will often drift away to a happy place. I'll keep myself busy with any number of tasks. There are always ways to keep your mind occupied.
Off to keep busy now....
I'm in quite a happy place in my life right now. I have an understanding girlfriend, with great kids. Not to mention my own fantastic little bundle of joy (he's eight now), whom I get to see and talk with whenever I wish.
I've even started going to a lot of minor hockey games. My girlfriends' son plays for a local team. Who knew that could be so much fun??! Needless to say, I'm keeping a smile on my face. It's starting to look like those sad, dark days are finally behind me. I think my demons have left me.
I've learned how to deal with my ups ans downs. When I feel a dark dawn dawning, I will often drift away to a happy place. I'll keep myself busy with any number of tasks. There are always ways to keep your mind occupied.
Off to keep busy now....
Monday, March 17, 2014
Minor Hockey & Minor Hiccups
So this past weekend was a first for me. I can no longer say I've never been to a minor hockey tournament. I must say though, it was quite an experience. What you hear about 'Crazy Hockey Moms' is by and large, true.
I must confess however, I was quite frightened about this event. I was going to be out of my element. Not in control of what was going on around me. Limited in the places I could run and hide. I think I kept that part of my thoughts quite well hidden.
I stayed back at the hotel, and avoided going to just one of the hockey games. I cant' even remember what excuse I came up with, but it (kind of) worked.
Needless to say, I had a pretty darn good weekend away with my new family. I sorely missed my own son. But, I'll get to hang out with him this coming weekend. Nevertheless, my new family and I seemed to get along quite good, despite a minor hiccup on my part.
I'm still looking forward to finding a new job, and getting out of the house a bit more often. I've learned throughout the past, that that's the best way to combat Depression. Stay busy. Keep your mind occupied, and don't dwell on negativity.
Until next time: KEEP SMILING. TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER!!
I must confess however, I was quite frightened about this event. I was going to be out of my element. Not in control of what was going on around me. Limited in the places I could run and hide. I think I kept that part of my thoughts quite well hidden.
I stayed back at the hotel, and avoided going to just one of the hockey games. I cant' even remember what excuse I came up with, but it (kind of) worked.
Needless to say, I had a pretty darn good weekend away with my new family. I sorely missed my own son. But, I'll get to hang out with him this coming weekend. Nevertheless, my new family and I seemed to get along quite good, despite a minor hiccup on my part.
I'm still looking forward to finding a new job, and getting out of the house a bit more often. I've learned throughout the past, that that's the best way to combat Depression. Stay busy. Keep your mind occupied, and don't dwell on negativity.
Until next time: KEEP SMILING. TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER!!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Many More Peaks Than Valley's
So, all in all, I'm having a pretty good day. I've accomplished a few small tasks I've set for myself, and am now relaxing.
I have a pretty big day going on tomorrow. I'm going to check out a job, and, am also in the process of trying to find a vehicle to buy. For most people, that's a pretty stressful time. Not so for me. I suppose I'm lucky, 'eh?
The last few days (primarily the weekend), were pretty shitty for me. It reminded me of the days, several years ago, that nearly put me over the edge.
Let me take you back - My wife had just left me. A new 'opportunistic' woman had come into my life. After just three dates, she decided to move herself, and her two children into my apartment. That seemed like a pretty good idea.... For about a week. That's when the Depression started to manifest itself. I was in a funk I just couldn't get out of.
Then, to make things even worse for me, over our thirteen month relationship, she couldn't have been less supportive of my mental struggles. The ONLY thing she worried about was money, and how to get more and more of it. Regardless, she didn't help my struggles at all.
Now I'm back on track. I have a fantastic girlfriend who accepts me, with all my faults, and seems to love me quite a bit.
To be honest, I'm incredibly happy with where I am in life. And, I can only see things getting better from here on in.
Needless to say, I'm in a VERY good place in my life right now. I'm happy. I feel accepted, and don't want any of this to change. However, I am well aware that all good things must come to an end. My happy feelings don't always last. I'm just not looking forward to going back to those dark places. Those p[laces where you feel as though you'll never be cheerful again. Those places where it doesn't matter how many friends, or loved ones you have; They just don't understand. Nobody understands.
But, today is a good day. I won't dwell on those dark days.
Cheers!
I have a pretty big day going on tomorrow. I'm going to check out a job, and, am also in the process of trying to find a vehicle to buy. For most people, that's a pretty stressful time. Not so for me. I suppose I'm lucky, 'eh?
The last few days (primarily the weekend), were pretty shitty for me. It reminded me of the days, several years ago, that nearly put me over the edge.
Then, to make things even worse for me, over our thirteen month relationship, she couldn't have been less supportive of my mental struggles. The ONLY thing she worried about was money, and how to get more and more of it. Regardless, she didn't help my struggles at all.
Now I'm back on track. I have a fantastic girlfriend who accepts me, with all my faults, and seems to love me quite a bit.
To be honest, I'm incredibly happy with where I am in life. And, I can only see things getting better from here on in.
Needless to say, I'm in a VERY good place in my life right now. I'm happy. I feel accepted, and don't want any of this to change. However, I am well aware that all good things must come to an end. My happy feelings don't always last. I'm just not looking forward to going back to those dark places. Those p[laces where you feel as though you'll never be cheerful again. Those places where it doesn't matter how many friends, or loved ones you have; They just don't understand. Nobody understands.
But, today is a good day. I won't dwell on those dark days.
Cheers!
Monday, March 10, 2014
Double Dose & Not Thinking Straight
I was afraid it couldn't last... And guess what? It didn't. I understand that good moods come and go. But, with people suffering from depression, those moods are more like peaks and valleys.
On the weekend, I unintentionally double-dosed myself. You see, I'd forgotten whether I'd already taken my SSRI, or not. So, to err on the side of caution, I took a pill. I still can't recall if I took the first dose or not, but I assure you, I must have. The rest of the day, I was high as a kite, acting all weird, and well, just generally fucked up.
So, then next morning, (again without really thinking), I took my normal dosage. Probably not the wisest of ideas. I likely should have just not taken anything that day. So now, for two straight days, I was clearly impaired. Again, not a really great feeling, and I spent those two days not feeling comfortable, period.
So, on the third day (the last day of the weekend), I spent most of, in misery. I didn't want to get out of bed. I just lazed around, watching TV and sleeping. Kind of like what I did before I was officially diagnosed. It also didn't help that a very dear friend of mine was quite upset at me, because of (at least in part) some of my actions.
That being said, my day was 'saved' by my girlfriend. She saw (or simply figured out) that I was in a funk. She came to my rescue. The simple and small gestures from her, changed my day completely around. She had absolutely no idea how far down I was. I will say, I wasn't completely honest with her, in that respect. I was much further 'gone' than I let on.
However, if you're like me, (and unfortunately, there are far too many of us), just a simple, small token of appreciation can change someones day, or life around. A simple, "You mean a lot to me", or "I really appreciate you", means much more than just those few words. It means that someone does give a shit about you. That someone will miss you when your gone.
That's just some food for thought, people.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Went For One... Got Another
So, I had a pretty darn good day today. I went and interviewed for one job, and got offered another, as well. How sweet is that?
I've found that keeping myself busy is the key to staying happy.... Or at least not Depressed. I also have a very supportive network of friends and family. It's fantastic.
In the past, I had a girlfriend who 'told' me she was supportive, and I genuinely thought she was. Turns out, I NOW know what a REAL supportive girlfriend feels like.... And she wasn't one of them. It truly is amazing how clear things look, after you get the right medications into your system, and surround yourself with the right people.
All in all, things are looking up for me. I feel great, I've even quit smoking... This time for real, I think. I don't drink as much as I used to (or should), depending on your perspective, and I'm trying to eat healthier.
Over the last year or so, I've been toying with the idea of writing a book. Getting my thoughts down on paper. Relaying my experience of the last couple years to more readers. I've slowly been writing said book in my head. The trouble is: I lack the motivation to sit down, and write a gut-churning story. There are many parts of the last few years I don't think I want to relive. However, I recently started seeing a new therapist, and she seems to think it's a good idea. What do you guys think?
I've found that keeping myself busy is the key to staying happy.... Or at least not Depressed. I also have a very supportive network of friends and family. It's fantastic.
In the past, I had a girlfriend who 'told' me she was supportive, and I genuinely thought she was. Turns out, I NOW know what a REAL supportive girlfriend feels like.... And she wasn't one of them. It truly is amazing how clear things look, after you get the right medications into your system, and surround yourself with the right people.
All in all, things are looking up for me. I feel great, I've even quit smoking... This time for real, I think. I don't drink as much as I used to (or should), depending on your perspective, and I'm trying to eat healthier.
Over the last year or so, I've been toying with the idea of writing a book. Getting my thoughts down on paper. Relaying my experience of the last couple years to more readers. I've slowly been writing said book in my head. The trouble is: I lack the motivation to sit down, and write a gut-churning story. There are many parts of the last few years I don't think I want to relive. However, I recently started seeing a new therapist, and she seems to think it's a good idea. What do you guys think?
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
It Gets Better....
Just about three years ago, I started feeling like I was in a funk. Kind of like 'post-op depression', but a hundred times worse. Like all people (or mainly guys), I thought it would pass in a few days. Then it progressively got worse.
There were days I didn't leave the house, and days I didn't even get out of bed. On those few days I did venture free, from the safety and security of my home, I didn't go far, and it wasn't for too long.
A few months later, I lost a pretty good friend to Depression. It was at that point I finally booked an appointment with my family doctor, for what I called a "Mental Health check-up".
My doctor gave me a few tests and questionnaires to fill out.... All of which I failed miserably. Needless to say, I wasn't overly surprised. What did surprise me however, was the speed (or lack thereof), of the Canadian Mental Health System.
Of course my doctor referred me to a shrink. However, I didn't even get a phone call to set up an appointment for nearly FOUR months.
What I will say right now about Depression is this: Regardless of how you may feel today, and tomorrow may not be any better... It DOES eventually get better, and go away. Don't let your demons control you. Roll with the punches, and don't be afraid to ask for help.
Monday, March 3, 2014
My Battles
Several years ago, I was diagnosed with 'moderate to severe' Depression. Shortly after that diagnosis, I began a blog similar to this one. I wrote about my daily battles with depression. What steps I was taking to battle my demons, and how helpful (rather unhelpful) my girlfriend at the time was being.
Now that I've taken better control of my life, and have decided that mind-altering drugs are the best way for me to combat this illness, I am a MUCH better person than I was previously.
Just think about it this way: Waking up everyday, not knowing if it's going to be a GOOD day, or a BAD day. Not knowing if you want to get out of bed. Not knowing if you want to go to the gym, or to work. Or, if today will be the day you finally have the energy to take matters into your own hands, and end it.
Those were the battles I had everyday. Now, I've decided to share those battles with you again. Also, I'm in the process if writing a book, which will slowly be released on this blog. It's a story that takes place over a two year span..... You'll get the idea.
Since I'm not going to be doing much to publicize this particular blog, please feel free to share it with your friends, neighbours, or anyone you think would benefit from reading about my daily struggles with Depression.
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