What Depression Is Really Like

 
    Today is Bell Let's Talk Day. I told you yesterday that I look forward to this day all year long. I don't really know why that is exactly. I imagine it's because it helps me not feel so alone. Despite the fact that I know there are loads of people out there who also suffer from different forms of Mental Illnesses, no one really talks about it.

Then again, that's what today is all about, isn't it? People talking about Mental Illness? I don't think there's so much of a stigma surrounding Mental Health, more like it's 'taboo' to talk about it in polite company. Kind of like religion, and sex.
I don't get it. People talk about most other forms of illness publicly. Why not Mental Health issues? Is that because people who don't suffer from it think it's something we can control? Like our mood, or hair colour?
It's not. If I could control the way my brain works, I would. If I could control how I feel, I would. Yes, some people have a short temper, and 'lose control' from time to time. But I argue, you can CONTROL your anger. At least much more than people like me can control their thoughts, and feelings. Before I became affected with this 'condition', when I met someone who suffered from Depression, I would ask myself "Why don't they just smile and cheer up?" But, after my experiences with my own mental health issues, I now know the answer to that question: "They would if they could". I would if I could, too.

 

After all, tomorrow is the ONE DAY out of the year, we're supposed to talk about it. To make it more of a mainstream topic of conversation. Why only talk about it for one day? Why not a week? Why not longer? Hell, Cancer has a whole 'Awareness Month'. Why don't we?
I don't know about you, but I am always talking about Mental Health. If not verbally with people, I'm certainly on here talking with all of you about it pretty regularly. True, there are some days I don't feel like writing, or talking, or even getting out of bed. However, there are also days that I have so much energy, I could do anything. Those are often my cleaning the house, doing the dishes, etc… days. Those are great days. I love those types of days. They are very few and far between, though.
Now that I'm slowly coming off my current medications, and have yet to start my new ones, I'm having a few days of total clarity. It's both a good, and a bad thing. The good part about it is: My brain isn't clouded by the mind altering chemicals I've been taking for a number of years now. The bad part is, I'm scared shitless.

It's like I'm walking on eggshells. Right now, I feel 'OK'. In 10 minutes, I don't know how I'll feel. If I stand up the wrong way? Or see something on TV? Or hear something on the radio? It's likely going to send me right off the deep end, straight down into the dark with the demons. That's what I live with every minute of every day. Maybe the new medication will be the 'magic bullet' I need? I'm aware I've been quite 'manic' over the last number of years. I've had my peaks and valleys. It really sucks. Most days I wake up, and don't know what sort of day it's going to be until after I shower, or after I take my pills, or even longer.
I long for the days when I woke up, and didn't have to think about that. That a good day or bad day didn't depend on the chemical balance in my brain, but on more natural things. Like the 'normal' people have.

 
That's what it's like living with Depression.

 

Robin, Batman & Belak

 

 
    I told you a few days ago that I'm being weaned off my current medications, in favour of a new one. Well, today is day three of weaning off Ciprolex and Wellbutrin, and I tell ya', man do I have a short fuse now. Maybe it's withdrawal? Maybe not?
Sufficed to say, I'm not the happiest guy in the world.
The last few days haven't been too grand for me. I've been dealing with my son being bullied at school, and not wanting to go. I've been dealing with my girlfriend/wife being bullied at work, and not really wanting to go. I've had to deal with the nurse at my work wanting me to come back, after taking four

months off, BECAUSE of my work. Everyone in the house, (myself especially, though no one can tell) has been worried about money. Believe me, I would work if I really thought I could. So, I've been writing lots of posts on both of my blogs, attempting to get as many people as I can to visit the sites, and supporting it by reposting, re-tweeting, whatever, and hoping that the odd person will click on an add. No, I'm not asking you to do that, because that's against the Google AdSense terms and conditions.

 
But, you now get the point of the amount of stress I'm under, because of events in my past that have really screwed up my present, and foreseeable future.

 
I am however, quite excited about Bell Let's Talk Day, which is just a couple of days away. I've been looking forward to this day each year since its inception, a few years ago.

I know there are a lot of people out there who suffer from varying degrees of mental illnesses. I also know there are plenty of people out there who don't see it in others. The people who always wonder 'how can things be so bad in your life, that the best decision at the time for you is suicide"? I asked myself that question many times too. I also found myself in situations where suicide was truly not too bad of an idea. I've known people, and I myself have been in places in our lives where suicide isn't the worst decision you could come up with. It's not because of

weakness. It's not because you're scared. It's not dying at your own hands. It's being killed by depression. Just like being killed by Cancer, or AIDS, or any number of other illnesses. Sometimes you can beat the illness, other times it beats you. The deaths of Wade Belak, Robin Williams, and my friend 'Batman', all hit me pretty hard. I know what they were going through. I know how they felt. I've heard those same demons yelling in my ears, as those three heard in their ears.

 

Last week I wrote a post that somehow caught the eye of Canadian Olympian Clara Hughes. She commented on the post, and even re-tweeted it. That was a very humbling day for me. It was at that point that I fully came to realise that, (although I already knew), I wasn't alone. Clara, and many other well-known Canadians do suffer, or have suffered from Depression.
If you're on the brink like I was. Like Wade, Robin, and Batman were, hold on a little longer. It won't get worse. It'll get better. Don't let this illness kill you. Things are always better tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the next day, or the next. The sun will shine again, and carry away those demons. You just need to wait. That's all.

 
Keep smiling!

Bullies & Changes

Not to mention that problems regarding my nine year old son.  He currently lives with his mother, about 200 KM north of me.  For the last three or four years, he's been getting bullied at school.  Two days ago, he came home to his mother with a shiner he received at school.   

OK, so here's my situation.  As I told you the other day, I went to see a psychiatrist through the OTN.  She went and changed all the medications I'm on.  She's weaning me off Cipralex and Wellbutrin, and putting my on Zoloft.  Really, I don't get it.  According to this shrink, the Cipralex and the Wellbutrin aren't working.  However, one of the side-effects of Welbutrin is to stop smoking.  I can honestly say, I haven't had a cigarette in three months.  I suppose that's something, 'eh? 

So, I started weaning myself off the Cipralex and Wellbutrin this morning.  Half a dose of each.  Maybe it's all in my head *sic* or it is really happening, but I can already feel a difference in myself.  I'm feeling less and less like myself as the day progresses.  Is that supposed to be happening already? 

True, the last few months I've been feeling down, much more often than I've been feeling up.  I'm trying to stay active.  Trying to stay busy around the house.  But really, nothing seems to be making much of a difference.  Maybe the Zoloft WILL work?  However, the last person I know that was switched from Cipralex to Zoloft was my now ex-wife.  Apparently it cleared her mind enough to make her think she didn't want to be with me any more, instead went to her ex-boyfriend.   

I've also been really thinking about trying to go back to work.  I will honestly tell you that I do miss it.  However, I don't think I actually could do it.  I know I'm fully

capable of doing my job.  I just don't know if I could bring myself to actually go.  Know what I mean?   

So yes, those thoughts have been weighing quite heavily on me.  Also causing much anxiety and several panic-attacks.  See my problem?  I just don't know what to do.  There inlays the root of my problems.   

Personally, I'd like to walk into his school, pick him up, and bring him back here with me.  I'm certain he'd be fine with that, but his mother may have different plans.  I need advise ASAP!  I'm meeting with his principal on Monday! 

Keep smiling!  

Adjustment Disorder? WTF?

I know it's been a while since I've posted here. I've been pretty busy with my other site, StekelsView Trying to get more and more hits there, and writing about all the events that have been happening in France, lately.

Well, that's just one of the reasons I haven't been posting here. The other (and more important) reason is: I was afraid to write here. The truth is, I've been feeling quite down, lately. As I told you in previous posts, I'm no longer going to work. Not because I don't want to go, but because I can't go. Believe me, I'd work if I could. Running low on money is never a good thing. My Employment Insurance has run out, and God only knows if I'll get WSIB to pay me, or if I'll qualify for ODSP. So, those are a couple of the things that are bringing me down.

I've also found out not too long ago that my son's mother wants to move about 200 KM from where they currently live, into a city with a population of over two million. They currently live in a town with a population of about sixteen

thousand. I can't stop her from moving, but I have the power to stop my nine year old son. However, if my son had his choice, there is NO doubt in my mind, (and he's said as much to me), that he would choose to live here with me, my girlfriend/wife, and her two children.

The problem with stopping my son from moving is simple: I'll likely have to take his mother to court, and, par for the course with regards to Family Court here in Ontario: fathers have little to NO rights, regardless of their situation.

Needless to say, I've done my best to put on a brave face. I've acted as 'normal' as I could.

I even chickened out going to see my therapist a couple of weeks ago.

However, today I had a 'telehealth' appointment with a REAL psychiatrist out of Toronto. Apparently I'm neither Depressed or Anxious. I just have 'Adjustment Disorder'. Whatever the Hell that is?

She told me I should start a 'back to work' plan. I don't know, man. I don't know if I can do it. I still don't know if it's the place I work specifically, or just the concept of working? Either way, when I think about it, I get anxious as all Hell!

Regardless, I'm doing the best I can. I'm trying to remain calm. I'm working on my breathing. I'm doing my best (most of the time) at being a happy 'housewife'. However, more often than not, so it's beginning to seem, the demons get the best of me, and I am absolutely useless around the house. Even when home alone. I know I should do something around the house. I honestly don't mind cooking and/or cleaning. I like to live in a clean house. With two teenagers though, as you well know, it can be quite a challenge.

I know that there are many people out there, some professionals in the Mental Health field that will disagree with this statement but: I 100%, fully, completely, absolutely and wholeheartedly blame my ex-girlfriend for my current mental state.

My girlfriend/wife is doing the best she can, to put the pieces back together, that my ex-girlfriend shattered.

Keep smiling!

Blue Christmas

So, it's a couple of days before Christmas. 
I haven't posted here in a while, (as I've been concentrating more on my other blog: stekelsview), so I thought I would write something today. 

I've been spending a lot of time researching for my other blog, and obviously not spending as much time with the people who mean the most to me. 

My wife/girlfriend just celebrated her birthday, and I was unable to give her the birthday she deserves.  Words cannot express how bad that made me feel.  Needless to say, I've been quite down about that lately. 
However, yesterday, for just a few hours, I was in the best mood I'd been in for God knows how long.  I don't know why.  It just kind of happened.  And, as quickly as the unexpected good mood came, it went.  Back to a normal/iffy feeling. 

I told you about two-ish months ago that my doctor has added a new medication to my daily cocktail; Wellbutrin.  I will admit it's helped a fair bit.  However, I also confess that I haven't been nearly as active as I should be.  But then again, that's what a New Years Resolution is all about, right?  That means, shortly before the New Year, or shortly after, I'll be off to the local YMCA to get a membership not just for me, but for our entire family.  Yep, that's the plan...  Whip all of us into better shape. 

Lest we forget: I also have a nine year old son, who for the first time in his life, I won't be seeing him on Christmas Day.  I won't be getting him until Boxing Day, until the end of The Holidays.  It'll be good.  We managed to get him all of the things he asked for, and I'm sure Santa will be getting him a few good things too.  As a matter of fact, all the kids will end up smiling quite a bit on Christmas Morning. 

Yes, this should be the happiest time of the year.  But, for many of us, it's not.  It's not that it's generally the most expensive time of year, it's often referred to as 'The Winter Blues'.    It just happens.  However, for us already suffering from Depression, it hits us a lot harder.  Unless you've dealt with it personally, you really don't understand it.  It's kind of like a drug addict - You can't understand a users mind, unless you've been down that dark road yourself. 

I'm off to see my doctor this afternoon, for another 'mental health' check-up.  I imagine it'll just be the same dong and dance as always.  He'll ask me how I am, I'll try to sugar-coat it, but he's much too smart to fall for that.  He'll then tell me I need to get more exorcise, and that it's less than a month until I finally get to see a real head-shrinker. 
I'll keep you posted, as best I can.


Keep smiling!

Santa Clause.... and SATAN

Today was the local Santa Clause parade. It's something I look forward to most years. I stood along the side of the road with my fantastic girlfriend/wife, waiting to catch a glimpse of her daughter (my step-daughter).

It was a great event. I got to see plenty of local groups, floats from local businesses, schools, and hockey teams. Watching the parade, our pockets slowly began filling with chocolates, and candy canes.

Needless to say, I was having a fantastic time.... That's until I saw HER marching in the parade. The woman who plotted against me, in the guise of being my girlfriend, and single handedly, indisputably ruined my life.

Believe me when I say this – The only thing that was stopping me from stepping out into the parade, and confronting her, was that my girlfriend/wife was with me. Otherwise, today would have ended quite differently.

Needless to say, seeing that heartless woman just made a bad situation, even worse. Due to events beyond my control, I'm unable to see my son this weekend, or take him to a bowling tournament that he's been looking forward to for well over a month. That's not saying I wasn't trying my damnedest to get to see my boy. I was. His mother on the other hand, was just fuelling the fire. By that I mean; Not doing a thing to help the situation.

So, despite having a pretty bad week emotionally, not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to get out of bed. You know those kind of days.... I've been having a week or more of those days.

So, you can only imagine how I'm feeling right now. Although, spending time with my girlfriend/wife and kids helps fantastically, I still feel like garbage.

Right now I'm sitting in a bedroom I share, alone. I'm half-assedly watching a

hockey game on television, while writing this, for you to read. That's right. It's a Saturday night, and I'm home writing this... Soon to be cleaning the house, as we're hosting a Christmas Party tomorrow. Maybe they'll cheer me up? After all, it IS the season for happiness, right?

This is an odd sensation for me. When I watch hockey games, I'm usually Tweeting like mad. I haven't even looked at Twitter yet tonight. I haven't felt this down in a long time. It's not so much the Anxiety I was suffering from a few months ago. This is flat-out Depression. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: This fucking sucks!

I will admit though, my girlfriend/wife has noticed something's wrong with me. It kind of feels good that someone cares so much, as to mention it to me, several times. Of course, I've lied to her, “nothings wrong, dear”, is my general response. But, she's a nurse, and certainly isn't dumb. She knows somethings wrong. I just have a very hard time admitting it to the people I care about, as I don't want them to worry about me.

The events of today however, has put me right over the edge. I'm still unsure if I'm more angry at my cold hearted, insensitive, emotionally detached ex-girlfriend, or, if it's just my Depression kicking into over-drive... Or both?

Keep smiling!

Again, it happens!!

    It's been a little while since I've written here.  I've had a lot of things going on in my life:  up to, but not limited to my son's mother. 
I don't want to place all the blame on her.  I know at least some of it is my fault.  My problem is:  I've been far too kind to her in the past.  Now it seems she's expecting that sort of treatment, all the time.  I've been so kind to her for one reason:  my nine year old son. 

When she decided to leave me (for a fella she met on Facebook, who left HER after just three weeks), she moved back to her hometown.  She was living there when we met, and it wasn't too far of a drive for me, to go and see my boy. 

After several failed attempts in Court (see FATHERS IN FAMILY COURT),  to have my son placed in my custody, she opted to QUIT her job, and move another hour away from me.  I agreed to that, as she promised she would drive our son to-and-from me home every-other-weekend, so I didn't have to.  Shortly after moving, her car got repossessed, so, things just went from bad, to worse, as I didn't have a car at the time. 

Needless to say, this has had quite the emotional toll on me.    At the beginning, when she had first left me for that fraud from Facebook, I didn't think much of it.  I had a good job, and a car, so I could see my boy whenever I wanted.  As a matter of fact, I can still do that now, if I don't mind driving two hours north, to spend a few hours with him, then drive another two hours back home. 

Long story short, now she wants to move him further away from me, so it seems, simply out of spite.  I pay her about 300% more in child support than the law says I should.  I give her money (claiming it's for our son), whenever she asks for it, often leaving me short on my bills, and obligations. 
Now do you see why I've been quite upset for the last few days?

Over the last month or so, I've done everything I could to make all three of the children in my life happy.  I believe I've succeeded.  That aside, I'm now getting tired of pretending to get along with my son's mother.  For his benefit, I'm nothing but kind to her, and she seems to relish in taking advantage of that. 

 So yes, this is why I haven't been writing very much lately.  My baby mama has finally gotten to me.  Not to mention my other ex-girlfriend, and the fact that I can't work, due to the fact my mental state has gone over the edge. 

Yep.  That's it. 

Keep smiling!!