On Top Of The Hill

I know, I know... It's been quite a long time since I've posted on here.  The reason for that is simple: I've been on top of the world for the last couple of months.  I haven't had a single BAD day.  Maybe it's the Krill Oil I've been taking?  Maybe

I'm just in a fantastic place in my life..... FINALLY.  Or maybe, just maybe, shit is finally good for me?  Reallky, I don't know, and I don't care.  I just knwo I've been feeling fantastic for the last couple of months. As a result, I don't plan on changing things in my life right now.  Shit's good, so let's keep it good.

Also, over the last month or so, I've decided to try out my Green Thumb.  I've planted several different vegetables in my two gardens, and am currently hoping for the best.  The only veggies that seem to be showing any growth thus far is my pumpkins.  That's likely because I planted them about six weeks ago in my greenhouse, since they have such a long growing time. 
I'll keep you posted on my vegetables... Not to worry.

It's been 4 1/2 years since I was officially diagnosed with Depression/Anxiety.  I tell ya', it's been a long, and bumpy ride.  Some days are UPS, other days are DOWNS.  You just learn to deal with it, with your various coping mechanisms.  That's what I did.  There was a time, not too long ago, that I swore up and down that I would never take mind-altering drugs.  But, look at me, I've been on Cipralex for three years, and Welbutrin for about 8 months.  I'm feeling 110% now. 

I still have an unnatural phobia about going back to my old job.  However, I've

been looking around locally, and have even heard back from a place this morning.  It's not much, but at least I'm LOOKING, right?  I suppose it's time for me to find out if it's actual work I'm afraid of, or my old job, specifically. But first, I think I'll need to get the job, 'eh?  I'll keep you posted, as soon as I know.  I promise this time. 

Aside from making a weak attempt at trying to go back to work, I'm still thoroughly enjoying being a Domestic Engineer.  Cleaning, relaxing, being a

chauffeur, and all around keeping myself busy.  
The downside of going back to work is, I won't always be home to cook dinner, or spend as much time with my fantastically awesome girlfriend, and kids.  The upside however is, more money.  However, the fact that I'm working may make it harder and harder to get approve for, and collect ODSP.


Keep smiling!

Lost My Muse

I know it's been a while since I've written here.  As a matter of fact, it's been a while since I've posted on my other two blogs. 
Despite being incredibly busy lately with my wonderful girlfriend/wife, plus her

two children, and my one, I've been essentially spending the last couple of months living for those four.  I'm not complaining, it's just a fact. 

We've also been battling through some money issues (since I still cannot work), so this is the point where I humbly ask that you share this blog with all of your friends, and help support it by clicking to the right, or the bottom, please.

That being said, things are totally on track with me mentally.  I've been taking my 10mg of Cipralex, and 300mg of Wellbutrin daily now.  Along with Extra Strength Krill Oil.  I don't now what those three pills do, but whatever it is, it's working.

I won't lie, I've been a little stressed however.  Next week, my 9 year old son is going to see a specialist, and more than likely be diagnosed with Aspergers.  Which isn't a terribly bad thing.  However, I've been mentioning it for years to his mother, but she refused to get him tested.  NOW that someone through his school has mentioned it, she's decided to listen.  Make sense to you? 

But, that's neither here nor there.  I love my boy.  That's all that matters.  But, maybe now he'll get the help he needs, right?  But right now, that's the only thing that's been bothering me.  But really, it shouldn't.

I've also started exercising a bit.  Not much, though.  I'm back into walking.  I remember back when I didn't have a car, I walked everywhere.  I lived in a town of about 30,000 people, so it was big, but not too big.  I used to walk everywhere.  It was great.  I could walk almost anywhere in town in thirty minutes or less.  So, it wasn't really an inconvenience. 
When I'm at home, I'm most often doing stuff around the house.  Laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc....  So, I'm managing to keep myself busy. 

Maybe it's the Krill Oil that's giving me the extra energy?  Regardless, it feels good.  I'm not sad any-more.  I don't really feel 'Depressed'.  I suppose that's a

good thing.  But, I will endeavour to write here as often as I can.  I know for a fact that there are people who read this blog and use it as a crutch, or as motivation to seek the help they need.  To start talking about it.  Which really is the goal here. 

I highly recommend trying the Krill Oil to help boost your mood, and give yourself some energy.  You don't need a prescription for it.  You can find it in any drug store.  Don't replace your medication with the Krill Oil, take it in conjunction with your current medications. 
Hey, it's worth a try, isn't it? 

Keep smiling!

Changing The World.....

So, yesterday was my Birthday.  I turned 37.  It's hard to believe that so much shit has happened to me in those 37 years.  It's also hard to believe that I'm having such issues in my life, for being the ripe old age of 37. 

                                                                                                                                     

It's also come to my attention that my inability to work due to my mental issues is taking it's toll not just on me, but to everyone around me.  Not that I'm home all the time, but financially. 

I just don't know what to do.  I know there are a tonne of options out there, such as government funding, etc.  But, the unfortunate part about it is:  They don't view Depression as a disability.  So, it would be like jumping through hoops, just to get an adjudicator to listen to my case.
I WANT to work, I'm just not able to.
I know there are millions of people out there that say that.  I would argue that the majority of them are just lazy.  But, there are the people like me.  The ones who want to to work.  The ones who are physically able to work.  But just aren't mentally able to.  I know, that since you're reading this post, you can understand and even empathise with my situation.  Unfortunately, this argument falls on deaf ears when it comes to the people that matter.  the ones who can make the decisions, and affect change.  Those are our politicians.  

I was recently talking with a young lady I used to go to church with in my youth.  She is having the exact same problems I'm having. She also suffers from Depression.  Unlike me, she is able to work, but just minimal hours.  Because she is able to work a very small amount, our lovely government will NOT support her. 

Recently, there was a Mental Health Awareness Day, promoted by Bell Canada.  Their promotion was to raise money, and raise awareness about Mental Health.  In just ONE DAY, they raise more money for Mental Health initiatives than the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT gives to Mental Health in an entire year. 

It's makes my stomach turn when I see a telephone company doing more for the 1-in-5 Canadians that suffer from Mental Health issues, than our elected officials. 

Let's take a quick look at how SERIOUS our leaders are about Mental Illnesses:


January - Alzheimer's Awareness Month

February - Heart Month

March - Childhood Arthritis Month

April - Dental Health Month

May - Medic Alert Month

June - ALS Awareness Month

July - NOTHING

August - NOTHING

September - Men's Cancer Health Awareness Month

October - Autism Awareness Month
(Oct 4 - Oct10) - Mental Illness Awareness Week

November - Diabetes Month

December - NOTHING

I would argue that 1-in-5 Canadians who suffer from some form of Mental Illness deserves a lot more than one week in October from our Federal Government, and one day in January or February from a local phone company.  Don't you?

The bottom line is:  There is almost NO funding for people who suffer from mental illnesses.  People who are unable to work due to their mental illness need to jump through some serious hoops to be heard, and then ultimately denied funding. 

I want to work.  I just can't.  Help me support myself and my family, or give me the resources to be able to go back to work!

Freakin’….

 

 
    It's been a few days since I sat down to write here. I've had a few very busy days. But, being busy doesn't ALWAYS help. I used to think that if I kept myself busy, and active, it would help to make me feel better. Up until recently, that was true.

 
I spent most of the weekend at a hockey tournament. It was fun, it was exciting. I love watching my stepson play hockey. I've rediscovered a long lost love for watching local hockey. I used to go to plenty of local hockey games growing up. However, it seems that life seems to get in the way sometimes, and I just didn't have the time to get to more hockey games throughout the last number of years. Not to mention, (and I always seems to be harping on one specific ex-girlfriend), my ex-girlfriend, hated watching LIVE sports. Despite the fact that she was always very active, and athletic. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

 

Over the last ten or so years, I used to frequent a local watering hole. A very dear friend of mine is a DJ there. That bar was always the one gathering place where all our friends would get together. Despite having busy lives, we all knew that was the one place we could all meet, talk, and have a good time. For the past several months, I haven't been going out as often as I used to. Not just for financial reasons, but also because I just didn't want to leave the house. I've kind of 'hermatised' myself lately. I have no one to blame for that behavior but myself, and possibly the one human being on the planet who I say is solely responsible for my current mental state.

 
Needless to say, after a long day of watching hockey, I decided to go out to said watering hole. Back in the day (before my ex-girlfriend single-handedly ruined my life), I wouldn't think twice about staying at the bar all night. Until it closed down for the evening. Leaving around 3:00 AM. Then going for a coffee, or a drive with a few of my closest friends.

It's been a long time since I've done that. As a matter of fact, it's been a long time since I even stayed at that bar until after midnight. This past weekend was no different. I went, I had a beer, and managed to stay until shortly after midnight. That's it. I paid my tab, said "good-bye" to a couple people, and left. I drove home, and went straight to bed.

You'd think it would have been a good night out for me. I spoke to a couple guys I haven't seen, or spoken to for the better part of a decade. I got to see a couple of my closest friends, whom I haven't really seen or spoken to a lot lately. But, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stay. I don't know why. A panic attack, an incredibly BAD thought, and I find myself in my car, driving home.
So has been my life for the last couple of years.
I've tried to keep myself busy. I've been TRYING to do things around the house. I just don't have it in me. It's not that I'm lazy. I enjoy working, and stuff like that. I enjoy getting my hands dirty. I just don't know why I haven't been able to do that lately.
My doctor went and changed my medication, as I told you. Yeah, I feel a bit better, but it's a far fucking cry from where I was mentally and emotionally a few years ago.
Sadly, I can say that there are times when I can understand why self-harm/suicide is NOT the worst thought someone could have. I'd never act on it, but yes, I can certainly understand the thoughts.

 
Keep smiling.

Stuck In The Middle

 
    The last week or so hasn't been the best week. Not that I'm having issues with my head, but because everyone else around me is having problems. Not specifically mentally. More hormonally, or stress related. I really can't say for 100% certainty, but I'd wager some money on it.

 
I've also spent the last year or so, but more recently the last couple of weeks trying to find the time AND courage to finally sit down and write. Not just blog, but to sit down, and write a gut-wrenching tale, that will likely be the most painful, and pleasurable thing I'll ever write.
It seems the only time I can find is when I'm lying in bed, in the middle of the night. I'd absolutely love to get up and start writing, but I don't want to wake up my girlfriend/wife, or anyone else in the house, for that matter.
When I find myself at home throughout the day, I just don't have it in me to sit, and commit the time I need. I suppose my former life (up all night and sleeping most days) truly is what I need. The most unfortunate part is: No one else in my house is quite as nocturnal as I am. Maybe someday in the near future I'll convince myself to do just that.

 
Now that I'm slowly getting used to taking my new meds (Zoloft), I'm finding that I have a bit of a temper. Like I said previously, this is a foreign feeling for me. I NEVER get angry. I don't even get upset. So, when I find myself blowing up at the simplest of things, I'm taken aback. Why is this happening to me? Why do I feel this way?

 
I'm sitting here in front of my computer, with a million things to write down, and to share. It's all in my head, but none of it wants to come out of me. I suppose this is called "Writer's block"? Or, is it something a little more sinister? I don't know.

 
Keep smiling!

 

What Depression Is Really Like

 
    Today is Bell Let's Talk Day. I told you yesterday that I look forward to this day all year long. I don't really know why that is exactly. I imagine it's because it helps me not feel so alone. Despite the fact that I know there are loads of people out there who also suffer from different forms of Mental Illnesses, no one really talks about it.

Then again, that's what today is all about, isn't it? People talking about Mental Illness? I don't think there's so much of a stigma surrounding Mental Health, more like it's 'taboo' to talk about it in polite company. Kind of like religion, and sex.
I don't get it. People talk about most other forms of illness publicly. Why not Mental Health issues? Is that because people who don't suffer from it think it's something we can control? Like our mood, or hair colour?
It's not. If I could control the way my brain works, I would. If I could control how I feel, I would. Yes, some people have a short temper, and 'lose control' from time to time. But I argue, you can CONTROL your anger. At least much more than people like me can control their thoughts, and feelings. Before I became affected with this 'condition', when I met someone who suffered from Depression, I would ask myself "Why don't they just smile and cheer up?" But, after my experiences with my own mental health issues, I now know the answer to that question: "They would if they could". I would if I could, too.

 

After all, tomorrow is the ONE DAY out of the year, we're supposed to talk about it. To make it more of a mainstream topic of conversation. Why only talk about it for one day? Why not a week? Why not longer? Hell, Cancer has a whole 'Awareness Month'. Why don't we?
I don't know about you, but I am always talking about Mental Health. If not verbally with people, I'm certainly on here talking with all of you about it pretty regularly. True, there are some days I don't feel like writing, or talking, or even getting out of bed. However, there are also days that I have so much energy, I could do anything. Those are often my cleaning the house, doing the dishes, etc… days. Those are great days. I love those types of days. They are very few and far between, though.
Now that I'm slowly coming off my current medications, and have yet to start my new ones, I'm having a few days of total clarity. It's both a good, and a bad thing. The good part about it is: My brain isn't clouded by the mind altering chemicals I've been taking for a number of years now. The bad part is, I'm scared shitless.

It's like I'm walking on eggshells. Right now, I feel 'OK'. In 10 minutes, I don't know how I'll feel. If I stand up the wrong way? Or see something on TV? Or hear something on the radio? It's likely going to send me right off the deep end, straight down into the dark with the demons. That's what I live with every minute of every day. Maybe the new medication will be the 'magic bullet' I need? I'm aware I've been quite 'manic' over the last number of years. I've had my peaks and valleys. It really sucks. Most days I wake up, and don't know what sort of day it's going to be until after I shower, or after I take my pills, or even longer.
I long for the days when I woke up, and didn't have to think about that. That a good day or bad day didn't depend on the chemical balance in my brain, but on more natural things. Like the 'normal' people have.

 
That's what it's like living with Depression.

 

Robin, Batman & Belak

 

 
    I told you a few days ago that I'm being weaned off my current medications, in favour of a new one. Well, today is day three of weaning off Ciprolex and Wellbutrin, and I tell ya', man do I have a short fuse now. Maybe it's withdrawal? Maybe not?
Sufficed to say, I'm not the happiest guy in the world.
The last few days haven't been too grand for me. I've been dealing with my son being bullied at school, and not wanting to go. I've been dealing with my girlfriend/wife being bullied at work, and not really wanting to go. I've had to deal with the nurse at my work wanting me to come back, after taking four

months off, BECAUSE of my work. Everyone in the house, (myself especially, though no one can tell) has been worried about money. Believe me, I would work if I really thought I could. So, I've been writing lots of posts on both of my blogs, attempting to get as many people as I can to visit the sites, and supporting it by reposting, re-tweeting, whatever, and hoping that the odd person will click on an add. No, I'm not asking you to do that, because that's against the Google AdSense terms and conditions.

 
But, you now get the point of the amount of stress I'm under, because of events in my past that have really screwed up my present, and foreseeable future.

 
I am however, quite excited about Bell Let's Talk Day, which is just a couple of days away. I've been looking forward to this day each year since its inception, a few years ago.

I know there are a lot of people out there who suffer from varying degrees of mental illnesses. I also know there are plenty of people out there who don't see it in others. The people who always wonder 'how can things be so bad in your life, that the best decision at the time for you is suicide"? I asked myself that question many times too. I also found myself in situations where suicide was truly not too bad of an idea. I've known people, and I myself have been in places in our lives where suicide isn't the worst decision you could come up with. It's not because of

weakness. It's not because you're scared. It's not dying at your own hands. It's being killed by depression. Just like being killed by Cancer, or AIDS, or any number of other illnesses. Sometimes you can beat the illness, other times it beats you. The deaths of Wade Belak, Robin Williams, and my friend 'Batman', all hit me pretty hard. I know what they were going through. I know how they felt. I've heard those same demons yelling in my ears, as those three heard in their ears.

 

Last week I wrote a post that somehow caught the eye of Canadian Olympian Clara Hughes. She commented on the post, and even re-tweeted it. That was a very humbling day for me. It was at that point that I fully came to realise that, (although I already knew), I wasn't alone. Clara, and many other well-known Canadians do suffer, or have suffered from Depression.
If you're on the brink like I was. Like Wade, Robin, and Batman were, hold on a little longer. It won't get worse. It'll get better. Don't let this illness kill you. Things are always better tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the next day, or the next. The sun will shine again, and carry away those demons. You just need to wait. That's all.

 
Keep smiling!

Bullies & Changes

Not to mention that problems regarding my nine year old son.  He currently lives with his mother, about 200 KM north of me.  For the last three or four years, he's been getting bullied at school.  Two days ago, he came home to his mother with a shiner he received at school.   

OK, so here's my situation.  As I told you the other day, I went to see a psychiatrist through the OTN.  She went and changed all the medications I'm on.  She's weaning me off Cipralex and Wellbutrin, and putting my on Zoloft.  Really, I don't get it.  According to this shrink, the Cipralex and the Wellbutrin aren't working.  However, one of the side-effects of Welbutrin is to stop smoking.  I can honestly say, I haven't had a cigarette in three months.  I suppose that's something, 'eh? 

So, I started weaning myself off the Cipralex and Wellbutrin this morning.  Half a dose of each.  Maybe it's all in my head *sic* or it is really happening, but I can already feel a difference in myself.  I'm feeling less and less like myself as the day progresses.  Is that supposed to be happening already? 

True, the last few months I've been feeling down, much more often than I've been feeling up.  I'm trying to stay active.  Trying to stay busy around the house.  But really, nothing seems to be making much of a difference.  Maybe the Zoloft WILL work?  However, the last person I know that was switched from Cipralex to Zoloft was my now ex-wife.  Apparently it cleared her mind enough to make her think she didn't want to be with me any more, instead went to her ex-boyfriend.   

I've also been really thinking about trying to go back to work.  I will honestly tell you that I do miss it.  However, I don't think I actually could do it.  I know I'm fully

capable of doing my job.  I just don't know if I could bring myself to actually go.  Know what I mean?   

So yes, those thoughts have been weighing quite heavily on me.  Also causing much anxiety and several panic-attacks.  See my problem?  I just don't know what to do.  There inlays the root of my problems.   

Personally, I'd like to walk into his school, pick him up, and bring him back here with me.  I'm certain he'd be fine with that, but his mother may have different plans.  I need advise ASAP!  I'm meeting with his principal on Monday! 

Keep smiling!  

Adjustment Disorder? WTF?

I know it's been a while since I've posted here. I've been pretty busy with my other site, StekelsView Trying to get more and more hits there, and writing about all the events that have been happening in France, lately.

Well, that's just one of the reasons I haven't been posting here. The other (and more important) reason is: I was afraid to write here. The truth is, I've been feeling quite down, lately. As I told you in previous posts, I'm no longer going to work. Not because I don't want to go, but because I can't go. Believe me, I'd work if I could. Running low on money is never a good thing. My Employment Insurance has run out, and God only knows if I'll get WSIB to pay me, or if I'll qualify for ODSP. So, those are a couple of the things that are bringing me down.

I've also found out not too long ago that my son's mother wants to move about 200 KM from where they currently live, into a city with a population of over two million. They currently live in a town with a population of about sixteen

thousand. I can't stop her from moving, but I have the power to stop my nine year old son. However, if my son had his choice, there is NO doubt in my mind, (and he's said as much to me), that he would choose to live here with me, my girlfriend/wife, and her two children.

The problem with stopping my son from moving is simple: I'll likely have to take his mother to court, and, par for the course with regards to Family Court here in Ontario: fathers have little to NO rights, regardless of their situation.

Needless to say, I've done my best to put on a brave face. I've acted as 'normal' as I could.

I even chickened out going to see my therapist a couple of weeks ago.

However, today I had a 'telehealth' appointment with a REAL psychiatrist out of Toronto. Apparently I'm neither Depressed or Anxious. I just have 'Adjustment Disorder'. Whatever the Hell that is?

She told me I should start a 'back to work' plan. I don't know, man. I don't know if I can do it. I still don't know if it's the place I work specifically, or just the concept of working? Either way, when I think about it, I get anxious as all Hell!

Regardless, I'm doing the best I can. I'm trying to remain calm. I'm working on my breathing. I'm doing my best (most of the time) at being a happy 'housewife'. However, more often than not, so it's beginning to seem, the demons get the best of me, and I am absolutely useless around the house. Even when home alone. I know I should do something around the house. I honestly don't mind cooking and/or cleaning. I like to live in a clean house. With two teenagers though, as you well know, it can be quite a challenge.

I know that there are many people out there, some professionals in the Mental Health field that will disagree with this statement but: I 100%, fully, completely, absolutely and wholeheartedly blame my ex-girlfriend for my current mental state.

My girlfriend/wife is doing the best she can, to put the pieces back together, that my ex-girlfriend shattered.

Keep smiling!