Blue Christmas

So, it's a couple of days before Christmas. 
I haven't posted here in a while, (as I've been concentrating more on my other blog: stekelsview), so I thought I would write something today. 

I've been spending a lot of time researching for my other blog, and obviously not spending as much time with the people who mean the most to me. 

My wife/girlfriend just celebrated her birthday, and I was unable to give her the birthday she deserves.  Words cannot express how bad that made me feel.  Needless to say, I've been quite down about that lately. 
However, yesterday, for just a few hours, I was in the best mood I'd been in for God knows how long.  I don't know why.  It just kind of happened.  And, as quickly as the unexpected good mood came, it went.  Back to a normal/iffy feeling. 

I told you about two-ish months ago that my doctor has added a new medication to my daily cocktail; Wellbutrin.  I will admit it's helped a fair bit.  However, I also confess that I haven't been nearly as active as I should be.  But then again, that's what a New Years Resolution is all about, right?  That means, shortly before the New Year, or shortly after, I'll be off to the local YMCA to get a membership not just for me, but for our entire family.  Yep, that's the plan...  Whip all of us into better shape. 

Lest we forget: I also have a nine year old son, who for the first time in his life, I won't be seeing him on Christmas Day.  I won't be getting him until Boxing Day, until the end of The Holidays.  It'll be good.  We managed to get him all of the things he asked for, and I'm sure Santa will be getting him a few good things too.  As a matter of fact, all the kids will end up smiling quite a bit on Christmas Morning. 

Yes, this should be the happiest time of the year.  But, for many of us, it's not.  It's not that it's generally the most expensive time of year, it's often referred to as 'The Winter Blues'.    It just happens.  However, for us already suffering from Depression, it hits us a lot harder.  Unless you've dealt with it personally, you really don't understand it.  It's kind of like a drug addict - You can't understand a users mind, unless you've been down that dark road yourself. 

I'm off to see my doctor this afternoon, for another 'mental health' check-up.  I imagine it'll just be the same dong and dance as always.  He'll ask me how I am, I'll try to sugar-coat it, but he's much too smart to fall for that.  He'll then tell me I need to get more exorcise, and that it's less than a month until I finally get to see a real head-shrinker. 
I'll keep you posted, as best I can.


Keep smiling!

Santa Clause.... and SATAN

Today was the local Santa Clause parade. It's something I look forward to most years. I stood along the side of the road with my fantastic girlfriend/wife, waiting to catch a glimpse of her daughter (my step-daughter).

It was a great event. I got to see plenty of local groups, floats from local businesses, schools, and hockey teams. Watching the parade, our pockets slowly began filling with chocolates, and candy canes.

Needless to say, I was having a fantastic time.... That's until I saw HER marching in the parade. The woman who plotted against me, in the guise of being my girlfriend, and single handedly, indisputably ruined my life.

Believe me when I say this – The only thing that was stopping me from stepping out into the parade, and confronting her, was that my girlfriend/wife was with me. Otherwise, today would have ended quite differently.

Needless to say, seeing that heartless woman just made a bad situation, even worse. Due to events beyond my control, I'm unable to see my son this weekend, or take him to a bowling tournament that he's been looking forward to for well over a month. That's not saying I wasn't trying my damnedest to get to see my boy. I was. His mother on the other hand, was just fuelling the fire. By that I mean; Not doing a thing to help the situation.

So, despite having a pretty bad week emotionally, not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to get out of bed. You know those kind of days.... I've been having a week or more of those days.

So, you can only imagine how I'm feeling right now. Although, spending time with my girlfriend/wife and kids helps fantastically, I still feel like garbage.

Right now I'm sitting in a bedroom I share, alone. I'm half-assedly watching a

hockey game on television, while writing this, for you to read. That's right. It's a Saturday night, and I'm home writing this... Soon to be cleaning the house, as we're hosting a Christmas Party tomorrow. Maybe they'll cheer me up? After all, it IS the season for happiness, right?

This is an odd sensation for me. When I watch hockey games, I'm usually Tweeting like mad. I haven't even looked at Twitter yet tonight. I haven't felt this down in a long time. It's not so much the Anxiety I was suffering from a few months ago. This is flat-out Depression. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: This fucking sucks!

I will admit though, my girlfriend/wife has noticed something's wrong with me. It kind of feels good that someone cares so much, as to mention it to me, several times. Of course, I've lied to her, “nothings wrong, dear”, is my general response. But, she's a nurse, and certainly isn't dumb. She knows somethings wrong. I just have a very hard time admitting it to the people I care about, as I don't want them to worry about me.

The events of today however, has put me right over the edge. I'm still unsure if I'm more angry at my cold hearted, insensitive, emotionally detached ex-girlfriend, or, if it's just my Depression kicking into over-drive... Or both?

Keep smiling!

Again, it happens!!

    It's been a little while since I've written here.  I've had a lot of things going on in my life:  up to, but not limited to my son's mother. 
I don't want to place all the blame on her.  I know at least some of it is my fault.  My problem is:  I've been far too kind to her in the past.  Now it seems she's expecting that sort of treatment, all the time.  I've been so kind to her for one reason:  my nine year old son. 

When she decided to leave me (for a fella she met on Facebook, who left HER after just three weeks), she moved back to her hometown.  She was living there when we met, and it wasn't too far of a drive for me, to go and see my boy. 

After several failed attempts in Court (see FATHERS IN FAMILY COURT),  to have my son placed in my custody, she opted to QUIT her job, and move another hour away from me.  I agreed to that, as she promised she would drive our son to-and-from me home every-other-weekend, so I didn't have to.  Shortly after moving, her car got repossessed, so, things just went from bad, to worse, as I didn't have a car at the time. 

Needless to say, this has had quite the emotional toll on me.    At the beginning, when she had first left me for that fraud from Facebook, I didn't think much of it.  I had a good job, and a car, so I could see my boy whenever I wanted.  As a matter of fact, I can still do that now, if I don't mind driving two hours north, to spend a few hours with him, then drive another two hours back home. 

Long story short, now she wants to move him further away from me, so it seems, simply out of spite.  I pay her about 300% more in child support than the law says I should.  I give her money (claiming it's for our son), whenever she asks for it, often leaving me short on my bills, and obligations. 
Now do you see why I've been quite upset for the last few days?

Over the last month or so, I've done everything I could to make all three of the children in my life happy.  I believe I've succeeded.  That aside, I'm now getting tired of pretending to get along with my son's mother.  For his benefit, I'm nothing but kind to her, and she seems to relish in taking advantage of that. 

 So yes, this is why I haven't been writing very much lately.  My baby mama has finally gotten to me.  Not to mention my other ex-girlfriend, and the fact that I can't work, due to the fact my mental state has gone over the edge. 

Yep.  That's it. 

Keep smiling!!

My Life - An Update

I know it's been quite a while since I posted here.  I've had many things good and bad happen over the last month or so.  Not to get too much into detail, my girlfriend/wife and I had a bit of a disagreement, but now things are back to the way they should be. 

As I mentioned about a month or so ago, I began taking Wellbutrin.  It seams I'm suffering from a lot of the side effects:

• blurred vision, tunnel vision, eye pain or swelling, or seeing halos around lights;
• fast heartbeats;
• fever, swollen glands, rash or itching, joint pain, or general ill feeling;
• confusion, trouble concentrating, hallucinations, unusual thoughts or behavior;  
• dry mouth, nausea, stomach pain;
• headache, dizziness, ringing in your ears;
• vision changes;
• loss of interest in sex;
• mild itching or skin rash, increased sweating, increased urination;
• changes in appetite, weight loss, or gain 

Those are the direct side effects I'm directly having to deal with.  However, there are more 'possible' side effects.  

I'm still not working.  I honestly don't know if I can, or ever will again.  I'm trying to keep busy around the house:  Doing laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc....  Yes, that's right, I've become a housewife.  But hey, I'm not complaining.  It keeps me busy, and for the most part, out of trouble.

I know a while ago, I told you that I'm working on a book.  Well, I suppose with all this new 'free time' I have, I should work some more on it.  After all, it seems like I've got nothing but time now. 

I'll keep posting, if you keep reading.  Please feel free to share this on Facebook, Twitter, Instgram, or whatever social network you belong to.  I'm a firm believer that the words need to be LOUD regarding Mental Health.

Keep smiling.

Germany and Weddings

This week has been quite hectic for me.  I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
I had plans to do a tonne of things around the house, but really only managed to do a bit of laundry, a minute amount of cleaning, and cut the grass.

Yes, I'm still not working, as per my doctors orders.  To be honest, if he won't let me go back to work soon, I don't think I'll have a job to go back to.  Although, that may also be for the best.  Who knows, right?
That's a question I'm not sure I want to know the answer too, just yet.  I still get really uncomfortable thinking about work.  I can't explain it.

My wife/girlfriend and I have also been trying to figure out how to get some extra money, so her daughter, my stepdaughter can go on a school exchange trip to Germany. 
Since I'm STILL not working, our home has no become a Single-Income-Family.  Not too much fun when you've been used to living on pretty much DOUBLE the income, right?  And, as per my doctors orders, he keeps telling me that I shouldn't apply of Unemployment Insurance, because everything will be covered by Workers Compensation.  At this point, it doesn't mater, because the money has all but run out.

My wonderful stepdaughter, as bright as she is, even started a fund raising website, to try to make some money for the trip to Germany she wishes to make next school year.  Please feel free to check it out, and share that site, or this blog with your friends.

Tomorrow (Saturday), I'm officiating (yes I'm ordained) a wedding of two friends.
It'll be a fun, and joyous day for everyone involved.  So yes, I'm a wee bit nervous about that too.  You know everyone's greatest fear... Public speaking.  There will be about 80-ish people there.  All but just a small handful I don't know.  But then again, this is THEIR wedding, not mine.  I know deep down it'll work out just fine.  But still, I'm pretty fucking nervous!

Now the real reason I write here:  Mental Illness

Yes, today is World Mental Illness Day.  To be honest, I was completely unaware of this until this morning, watching a morning news show, on TV.  I guess that just goes to show that I'm either not in the loop, or mental illness isn't getting the coverage it needs.  There's still a pretty big stigma attached to it.  What 'normals' don't understand is that mental illness is just that:  An illness.  Something you can't see.  Like Cancer.  You can't 'see' Cancer, yet the sufferer more often than not knows it's there.  The same things with Mental Health.  However, like Cancer, there are still some people out there that don't REALLY understand what's wrong.  The don't KNOW they need help, or they won't go to get that help, because of the stigma society still places on those 'crazy people'.

I can tell you right now, without a word of a lie, that if it wasn't for me ASKING for help from my doctor, and talking with my friends and family about my Mental Illness, I would be writing this blog from a pine box.  That's just how bad it has gotten for me in the past.  Thankfully, I got the help I needed, and I have a very strong support system around me.  Lest I forget the medication I'm on.  Despite my dose being doubled not too long ago, I'm still not sure if it's having that BIG of an affect on me.  I'm still a bit on the glum side, and still don't like the thought of going back to work.  I'm not sure of I'd feel the same way if I got a different job, or if it's the whole 'leaving the house' thing.  Almost like Agoraphobia.  I guess time will tell.  I'm still waiting to see a shrink.... But then again, I'm moving at the speed of Canadian Mental Health, which certainly isn't as fast as one would like.

Keep smiling! 

Mind and Money Issues

So, the last few days have been pretty good (emotionally) for me.  Although, the thought of going back to work still scares the shit out of me.

Not working has also added a bit of undue stress on the home front.  We're really noticing my income missing.  So much so, I may have to take my brand new 2014 Honda CR-V back.  That wouldn't be detrimental, but certainly inconvenient. 

One of the plus sides of the dealership I bought my car from is:  They have a 'walk-away' clause.  So, if I lose my job, or something, I can just walk away.  However, mental illness ISN'T covered in that clause.  So, that leave me/us with a bit of a problem, don't you think?

That aside, things are still pretty stressful here.  Money is tight, and we're all starting to notice.  I've no doubt I'll eventually get covered for the time I've been off work, however, the question is 'when?' And how much?

The way it's starting to look for me, despite being on stronger drugs, and more intense therapy is, I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to work.  Not to mention how inconsiderate the nurse at my work is being.  She KNOWS full well that I have extreme difficulties going to work, yet she insists she sees me once a week while I'm off.  That's the part I fail to understand.  The issue isn't not being able to do my job.  I'm certain I could perform my duties.... I just can't GO there.  Maybe mental health doesn't exist in her world? Or in the world of my employer?
What do you think?

Keep smiling!!

Garbage Day

So, today started out pretty normally for me.  The kids went to school, and the girlfriend/wife went to work.  Pretty regular, 'eh?

After I was home, and everyone had gone out for their daily duties, I needed to phone my doctor.  I needed him to fill out some asinine forms for my work (since I've been off for almost a month now). 
Since the nurse at my work doesn't seem to know how to properly operate a FAX machine, and failed to FAX said forms to my doctor, she instead had to send them to me, so I could hand deliver these silly forms to my doctor for her.
So, I drove the twenty minutes to my doctor's office to hand deliver these forms that the nurse at my work failed to send, and hoped that my doctor could fill them out for me, so I could hand deliver them to the said nurse.
Yes, the nurse at my work wants to see me once a week, to see how I'm progressing.

In a phone call to her, I mentioned that my doctor suggested this may be related to an injury I sustained at work about a month and a half ago, and that he'd like to try to get things handled through the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board, she said, and I quote, "I'd like to see how he's going to do that.  If that's the case, I'll have you into work tonight on modified duties". 
I suppose she missed the day in 'Nurse School' when they were teaching them all about mental health.   The issue isn't not being able to work.  I'm pretty physically fit, and I know I can do my job.  The issue is being there.  However, I don't know why.
I have a good job, an easy job, and work with great people.

Even driving there today with my girlfriend/wife, (though, I'm not sure if she noticed), I was incredibly uncomfortable throughout most of the drive there.  I was tense, and a million things were going through my mind.  Most learned people would call that a Panic Attack. 
That's exactly what it was.  Even just sitting in the nurses office at work, I wanted to be anywhere else.  It felt as though I was sitting at the gates of Hell, just waiting to walk through. 

The trouble with mental health issues is, unless you've been personally affected by it in some way, you just don't understand it. 
Despite all this Bell Let's Talk campaign, All the press Robin Williams' death has had, and all the hard work on Mental Health that Michael Landsberg has done, not enough people (particularly in the Health Care field) no enough or anything about Mental Health.



I'm not angry.  I'm simply upset because the people who should know best what it is that I'm dealing with, are either ignorant, or very apathetic about this issue. 

So that's my day in a nutshell.  Now I'm off to spend the rest of the evening with my fantastic girlfriend/wife.

Keep smiling!!

Follow-up Exam

As requested by my doctor, I went for a 'follow-up' appointment today, with regards to the increase in my medication, and how I'm feeling over all.  Turns out I'm worse.  My doctor wants me off work for at least another month. 
I spoke with the nurse at my work, and it doesn't seems as though they want me off.  They want me back to work, and/or a detailed outline from my doctor saying what steps he's taking to have me in shape for work again.  To be honest, I don't know if that day will be anytime in the near future. 

So now I'm getting pressure from work, despite the fact I'm doing my best to try to feel better, and my doctor is doing everything he can to get me the help I need.  I want to be able to work.  To feel useful.  To contribute to my family.  I just cannot do that right now.  I don't know why.  I don't really care why.  I just want to get better!

While I was at my doctor's this morning, I filled out another 'Anxiety questionnaire' thing, and I scored off the charts.  A much higher score than last time.  Which means I'm much worse off than the last time I filled out that questionnaire. 

To be honest with you folks, when I'm home with my family, I feel fine.  Almost NORMAL.  The thought of going to work, or not being around my loved ones, almost brings me to tears.

You should have seen me this morning, driving to my doctor's.  I was shaking, and didn't want to go.  Simply because I was petrified he'd tell me I was good to go back to work.  Yes, I had a panic attack while driving.  Trust me, it's not the most wonderful of situations.  Not to mention how uncomfortable I felt sitting in the waiting room. 
Again, panic attacks are new to me.  I still don't know how to handle them.  I suppose I should have pulled over, but I was going to be late for my appointment.  Plus, the nurse at work was on my back to get information from my doctor to her.  Fuck!  Doesn't she understand I don't want to go there?  The whole reason I'm not there is because I physically CAN'T go.  I don't know why.  Do you?

Keep smiling!

The Demons Are Back

So, the last few weeks have been pretty shitty for me.  I've said in previous posts that I suffer from Depression, and now Anxiety.
I was feeling a little bit better last night, and this morning.  However, this afternoon, those demons have started to rear their ugly heads again.  Trust me, it sucks.

Even with the doubling of my medication, and with attempts to remain busy, it still seems to find a way into my everyday life, yet again. 

The best way to describe how I'm feeling is darkness.  A constant shadow following me around.  Fighting to keep the demons at bay.  Sometimes I can do it, other times (such as now), they're too strong.  All I can do is weather the storm. 
That's the best I can do for now.  Maybe the new dosage of my Cipralex will make things different.  Who knows?  Right now, the only positives I see in my life, is spending time with my girlfriend/wife, her children, and my son. 

However, this weekend is the local Fall Fair.  Maybe that will bring my spirits up, and thwart off those demons?  I suppose only time will tell. 

To be honest, I didn't really feel like writing anything today, but in the past, it has worked as a kind of therapy for me.  Doesn't seem so this time.

Keep Smiling!

LTD....?

As I posted a few days ago, I was having a pretty rough time.  As a result, I went to see my doctor yesterday (for a follow-up on my medication change/increase). 
As it turns out, I suppose my doctor didn't like the answers I was giving him to specific questions, and as a result, placed me on LTD (Long Term Disability).  That means NO work for me, for the foreseeable future. 

That's no so bad, as there are a lot of things I can do around the house (as we recently moved).

However, once done doing what needs to be done around the house, I'm at a loss for things to do.

Emotionally, I'm fine.  However, the thought of going to work scares the shit out of me.  Which is odd.  I like my job, a well trained monkey could do my job.  I like the people that I work with, and all-around enjoy my job.  However, the simple thought of going there creates HUGE anxiety, and I don't want to go.  I don't know why.  So much so, that last Tuesday, I even turned around, and came home, after getting about half-way to work.  On Wednesday, I managed to get to work, but left after just two hours. 

I can't explain it.  Neither can my doctor, which is probably why he referred mt to a therapist.  I got in pretty quickly too:  Tomorrow.  Maybe that means he's really concerned?

So, a run-down of my last few weeks:

• A few weeks ago, I started to feel a bit down.  So much so, that my girlfriend and kids noticed.
• I still went to work, but wasn't entirely feeling like my mind wasn't in the game, if you know what I mean? 
• Last Monday, I called off work, because I just couldn't go.
• The next day, Tuesday, I made it half-way to work, then turned around, and came home.
• The following day, Wednesday, I made it to work.  The moment I got there, I knew I shouldn't be there.  So, I left after about two hours and twenty minutes into my shift.  

• The next morning, I called my doctor, and was seen by him that afternoon.  He then doubled the dose of Cipralex (now 20mg a day), that I'm taking.  He also wrote a note for my work, excusing me from work for that whole week.

That brings us to Monday (yesterday), and me sitting at home, writing a post for you to read, and/or comment on/share.

So now our house only has ONE income, as we're trying to figure out if I am eligible to receive ODSP or CDP. The trouble being:  I don't know yet if I'm off work indefinitely, or just temporarily. 

I guess now it's just a waiting game.  I'll be sure to keep you all posted.

Keep smiling! 

Double Dose

As I posted yesterday: Days From Hell, pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately.

I've decided to take the rest of the week off work (yes I have a doctor's note), and have had my prescription for Cipralex DOUBLED, to 20 mg.  Maybe that'll do the job, maybe not?

After visiting with my doctor this morning, it turns out that I'm more anxious, than anything.  I can't explain it.  It's been my experience though, that saying

someone is anxious, or nervous, is just like saying "We don't know what the Hell is wrong, so here's more drugs".

As I've written several times in my other blog,  MY WORLD, I'm not a big fan of SSRI's, or any other mind-altering psychotropic drug, for that matter.  

I don't understand why I'm axious.  I have a good job.  I like the people that I work with.  It's an easy job, really.  Hell, even a well trained monkey could do what I do.  I suppose that's one of the reason's why it's called 'unskilled labour'?

I have a great home life.  I have a girlfriend who loves me very much.  She has two children, both of whom I love, and am pretty darn certain they love me back.  I have a wonderful eight year old son, who yes, lives two hours away with his mother, but we have a great relationship, nonetheless.  


So yes, not only am I suffering from Depression, but also Anxiety now.  Nothing like kickin' a guy while he's down, 'eh? 

I also have a concern that this is a genetic problem.  I have an aunt and her son, my cousin, who are both bat-shit crazy.  On more medications than one can count, and in and out of the 'loony bins' most of their lives. 
I never really thought about that, until just recently.  That's not in any way an attempt to exonerate my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend; both of which are HUGE contributing factors to my mental health issues. 

Not only is my doctor doubling the amount of Cipralex I'm taking, but has also 'fast tracked' me to a local Head-Shrinker.  Maybe he feels MORE talk therapy will help?  Again, who knows? 

No, I'm not sitting here contemplating suicide.  That ship sailed long ago.  What is on my mind though, is hard to explain.  Concentrating on a single thought is no longer a luxury for me.  It's like my mind is racing from thought to thought.  Each one as unlikely as the next.  I'm constantly worried about my son, although I know 's safe.  Always worrying about my step-children, although I know they're safe.  Worrying about my wife/girlfriend, although I know she's safe.  And then thinking about work, and how much I want to be there, but know I can't be.  I don't think I'm safe there.  By that I mean, I'll not be concentrating, and could hurt myself, or someone else.  That's also a constant fear.  But then again, it makes no sense to me.  The likelihood of that happening, is slim to none.  I'm well trained on the equipment I use, and am quite proficient with it. 
See what I mean?  Each scenario is less likely than the next to occur. 

That's all I've got to say today.  Thanks for reading.

Keep smiling!!

Days From Hell

Well, the last few days have been something close to Hell for me.  I've still been taking my daily dose of Cipralex, but a different kind (melts).  I don't think, as does my girlfriend/wife, think they have the same affect as the normal (non-melting) ones I usually take. 

So, the last few days, I've called off work twice.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  I've been all but useless around the house.  I've attempted to over-compensate by doing things for my wonderful step-children.  Driving them around, going to a midnight release of of a video game my stepson wanted to buy, etc...

The trouble with dealing with mental health issues, more specifically Depression is, you don't want anyone to know.  I highly doubt my step-kids can see anything is wrong.  However, my girlfriend is a different story.  She's a Registered Nurse.  So she knows what to look for, and knows how to interpret the signs. 

When I called into work, to let them know I wasn't going to be coming in, I just made up two, very different stories as to why I won't be in.  After all, why would you want to tell anyone you're suffering from Depression?  Then again, isn't that one of the problems that I've written about in countless other postings?  That Bell Media is devoting themselves to?  To TALK about it? 
I suppose in a way, that's what I'm doing here with my blog.  So, let's talk about it.

I'm *NAME OMITTED*, I suffer from moderate to severe Depression.  I talk about it with my nearest and dearest.  They all know of my 'condition'.  I've been on Cipralex, an SSRI for almost two years now.  I see a therapist on a semi-regular basis.  We talk about all sorts of things, not just about Depression. 
Talking helps.  As do the mind-altering psychotropic drugs I'm on. 
There was a time when something as simple at St. John's Wart worked for me.  Well, enough to take the 'edge' off.  But on October 18th, 2012, something very life changing happened to me, and I went off the deep end.  Hence the psychotropic drugs, and the somewhat intense therapy I was going through.

That's my story.  What's yours?  Feel free to use the 'comment' section below.

Keep smiling!

Good Changes.... For A Change

The last week or so has been extremely hectic for my new family, and myself.  We moved.  No longer does it feel as though I'm living in THEIR house, but now we are all living in OUR house. 
Sure, rent is a little more costly, and this new house certainly needs some long

overdue TLC, but it's OUR house, and we all love it. 

The move officially took place on two full days ago.  And, for the most part, went off without a hitch.  Our friends and families bonded together, to help us with the big change.  It was a wonderful, and quite cathartic, all at the same time.  If you know what I mean....? 

The kids are back to school tomorrow, I'm also back to work, after a much needed three-day weekend. 

For all of us, it's like a new start.  The kids are both starting newer, and more challenging classes.  My wife/girlfriend is always embarking on something new and challenging with her job, and I have recently started a new, and more exciting part of my career.  Needless to say, we're all excited about these new changes in our lives. 

During our move, while out purchasing some paint for our new home, I learned the power of love, and patience.  Let me explain;  Of all the places in the world, my ex-girlfriend (the one who single-Handedly all but ruined my life), was in the same hardware store as us.  When I saw her, I reacted the same way as I always have.  I turned, and walked away.  But this time, I didn't leave the building, as I always did when she repeatedly showed up at the bar I frequent, yet she claimed to hate.  What I was unaware of however, was that my body language changed as well.  This was pointed out to me AFTER we had all left the hardware store, by not just my wonderful wife/girlfriend, but also BOTH stepchildren. 
y
Needless to say, I could at that moment, and from then on, feel the love from all three members of my new family.  I know now they all have their own way of showing it. 
The bottom line is:  I now know what being TRULY loved feels like. 

Keep smiling!

Missing....

So, it's Sunday, then end of the weekend.  Turns out it was one of the best weekends I've had in a really long time.
Despite being injured at work, and doing pretty much nothing at work (light duties), all week, I wasn't expecting much of a weekend.  However, I got to spend the entire weekend with my new family.  All four of us.  Over the past few months, there have been a few minor, and some rather serious hiccups.  Because we're such a strong team together, we've made it trough our tough times.

We spent a great weekend together, doing all sorts of family things together, and getting ready to move to a new home, which will officially be OUR home, not me living in THEIR home. 

I will confess however, that this past week was Hell for me.  My family was away for the week, visiting old friends and family in Philadelphia.  Maybe it's due to my Depression, or because I'm not as much of an introvert as I believe I am, but I absolutely need to be around people.  And, my new family is 3/4 of my favourite people on the planet.  Yes, they brought me home some gifts, but I would gladly give them all back, to have had them home with me last week.  As lame as it sounds, when they were gone, it felt as if part me went with them.
I did spend most of last weekend with my fabulous son.  He'd been bugging me all summer to take him to Canada's Wonderland.  So, that's where we spent last

Sunday.  We had a blast.  We didn't hit as many rides as we'd have liked, due to my banged up side (work injury), but we did indeed have a blast!  But, similar to when my family was in Philadelphia, every time my son is not with me, a little piece of me is missing.  But, I suppose that's true for most broken families. 

However, now that 3/4 of my family is back here with me, life seems to be 100% better.
Yes, I'm still taking my medication on a daily basis, and am doing my best to remain happy, sometimes small little things like this {read above}, makes my life a little harder.

Keep smiling!

My Darkness & Hope

One of the obvious things regarding the suicide of Robin Williams is this:  There are far too many people like him out there.

For several years, and still to this day, I suffer from moderate to severe Depression.

I can somewhat relate to how he (Williams) was feeling throughout his life.  As though there is a darkness around you, at least that's what I call it:  My darkness.
I've been there.  I've contemplated ending it.  But that voice in the back of my head that kept saying, "Don't do this.  This is wrong", was obviously louder than the same voice in Williams' head.  

In November of 2011, a dear friend, and former co-worker of mine committed suicide.  He was always the happiest guy in the room.  Kind of like Robin Williams.  It just goes to show, we can hide it much better than you think.  Although I'm on medication, I highly doubt ANYONE would ever guess I suffer from Depression.  If us sufferers don't want you to know, you'll never see it. 

In February of 2012, Bell Media had a national 'Lets Talk' day.  To try to lift the stigma around mental health.  The absolute best part of that day (I was glued to the TV), was Michael Landsberg's documentary on mental health in Sports, Darkness & Hope. 

That documentary really opened my eyes:  I'm not the only person with this problem.  Hell, even some of my sports hero's suffer from it as well.   
It was shortly after watching that documentary that I decided to seek help.  I didn't like the way I was feeling.  My world was dark, and seemed to be falling apart around me, for no real reason.  I had everything good going on in my life.  I had a job, was making good money, had a girlfriend (despite the fact she turned out to be all wrong for me). 
As I said above, no one could tell.  I hid my secret well.  I was always the happiest guy in the room...  The life of the party, if you will. 
When I confessed this secret to my family, only one of my siblings really understood what I was talking about.  I feel the reason for that is because she (my sister) works in the mental health field. 

The bottom line of this is:  If there wasn't such a stigma surrounding mental health, then there would be fewer people like my friend, and Robin Williams, and the millions of others who feel their only way out is suicide. 

Think about it, then talk about it!

Robin Williams - This One Hurts

This afternoon, I was laying on the sofa, listening to the radio (yes, I LOVE talk-radio), when it came over the air that Robin Williams had died.  I nearly fell on the floor.  That man was my childhood.  Mrs. Doubtfire, Hook, Jumanji, Dead Poets Society, Aladdin, Mork & Mindy, and the list goes on.

Williams admitted several times publicly, that he suffers from a wide range of substance abuse; from alcohol, to cocaine, and who knows what else?
Being a Hollywood star in the 1970's and 1980's couldn't have been easy on anyone's liver, or nostrils. 

Like I said:  I grew up watching Robin Williams.  I can tell you with 100% honesty that the last movie my parents ever watched in a movie theatre was 'Dead Poets Society'.  Not because they didn't enjoy the movie, but because they just don't go out to movies.  I can also tell you that the first stand-up comedy DVD I ever bought was 'Robin Williams Live On Broadway'. 

Yep, that's one funny man.

The reason why I'm writing about Williams here, on my Mental Health blog is simple:  He allegedly committed suicide.  Even if the autopsy comes back and says it was 'natural causes' at the age of 63, he still had many demons we didn't all know about. 

I remember growing up, and watching this man on TV, and in movies.  He never failed to make me smile, and sometimes even laugh. 
Over the last few years, when I first started noticing I was having Depression issues, I would often turn on 'Robin Williams Live On Broadway' or dust off my old VHS copy of 'Hook', and put it on, and drift away to a better, happier place. 

Robin Williams was to me, what One Direction is to someone I love very much:  He saved my life.

One Direction To Happiness

So, the last week or so has been fantastic for me. However, on Thursday, I forgot to take my meds. But, I didn't even realize it until I began thinking about my morning routine while at work. Yep, I forgot to take me 10mg of Ciprolex, and didn't feel any different. However, the next day, I made sure to take my meds. What made my week even better... on Wednesday, I decided to buy a couple tickets to a One Direction and 5 Seconds Of Summer concert for part of my new family.

Nothing could have made me happier than to see the smiles on their faces.

I wasn't really expecting to enjoy the show, but what do you know, the show wasn't bad, and I got to see three hours of smiles on the face of part of my new family.

I've also been transferred at work.  I know officially work for Honda Canada. 

In the world of factory workers, Honda is the place everyone wants to eventually end up.  So, in case you haven't noticed, I'm SUPER happy!

Unfortunately, my new, and incredibly amazing family is leaving soon, for  a vacation.  Unfortunately, I'm unable to join them.  It'll just mean a few days of just work, and sleep.  There isn't anything wrong with that, however, I'm certain to get quite lonely.... But, that's why we have Skype, and Face Time, right?

So basically, the bottom line is:  I've been happier than I have been for a VERY long time, over the last few weeks. 
It seems like I' getting closer and closer to conquering my mental illness.  Now I get to focus my attention on keeping everyone around me as happy as possible.  Which, as it seems, won't be as difficult as it once was.  We're moving to a new home in a few weeks.  Which will become OUR home;  Not THEIR home, with me living in it.  It will be the new family home.  I personally can't wait!

Keep smiling!

Exciting Changes

The one thing that I don't like about having a full-time job is, that I have very little time for you, my increasing number of readers.  I keep trying to find some extra time to write here, and my other blog, Stekels View, with limited success.

The last several weeks have been quite hectic, and much more exciting than I had ever anticipated.  I'm now a full-time employee, and have received my very first forklift license.

Since getting my forklift license... That's the ONLY thing I've done.  eight hours a day on the lift truck.  It's not nearly as exciting as I'd hoped, but, it also seems that my work has some sort of plan for me.  In just a week or so, I will be moved to another plant, ahead of all my co-workers. 

Everyone that I work with will eventually, (by Christmas) will be moving to this other plant with me.  I just don't know why I've been chosen way ahead of my peers, who have all been working there much longer than me?  I suppose I'll soon find out.

Yesterday (Saturday July 26th), I was invited to have an outing with my co-workers.  This is something a few of us do in a semi regular basis.  We went to a water park in Hamilton (about a 2 1/2 hour drive), for a day of fun, sun, and lots of water.

The family and I arrived, and shortly afterwards, were quickly caught up with a few of my co-workers.  It was great to see them outside of work, as I was actually feeling accepted by my new friends. 

However, for some unknown reason to myself, I didn't really hang out with them for the rest of the day.  Maybe I was just in an anti-social mood, or was hoping that they would come and join myself and my family.  Needless to say, I didn't really see them much afterwards.  As I spent the entire day with my family.  I'm not complaining, just that I don't often get to do fun things with my new family, and my fantastic son. 

I'm certainly going to have to apologize to my friends tomorrow morning at work.  I just hope they aren't too upset with me. 

Either way I look at things now, everything balances out.  I'm really afraid I may have pissed off my new friends, but the up-side is: I'm really moving up at work.  Almost at breakneck speed.  I'll do my best to keep you all up to date. 

Just remember, to all my readers who are suffering from a form of mental illness (just as I am), everything gets better.  It can not, and will not get any worse for you.  You simply have to tough it out, and get some help.  I know how you feel - Nothing is more humiliating than asking for help, for an illness that no one else can see or feel.  But it helps. 

Keep smiling!

Back In The Saddle

Life just seems to be getting better and better for me.  I'm back to work now, after a week off for the summer shutdown.  Despite missing my family (I kind of got used to being around them all week), I'm enjoying being back, and making money. 

My little boy is off to sleep-away camp for this week, and I know his mom misses him terribly, and I miss talking to him on the phone.  But you know what?  He's having a great time there! 
He went to that camp for the first time last summer, and he absolutely loved it.  I'm sure he'll have just as much, if not more fun this time around.  He's eight years old, after all.  What ISN'T fun about camping, at that age?


I also had a few minor hiccups this past week or so, with someone whom I thought I could trust.  Turns out that yet again, I made a mistake.  That isn't as much as a shock as it might have been a while ago,  It

turns out, I'm not as infallible as I thought I was.  But you know what?  Fuck it.  Life's too short to worry about other people actions.  I'm in this for ME, and my nearest and dearest friends and family.  No one else. There are currently just four people (excluding blood relatives) that mean the world to me.  I know at least two of them regularly read this blog, so there is no need to name them. 

Now back to my original point:  Life for me has been nearly perfect these last few months.  I am keeping myself busy, and spending as much of my time as I can with my son, and my new family. 

When suffering from Depression, it's important to keep yourself going.  Be active.  Be busy.  Don't dwell in those dark places.  Try to stay positive.  The more you talk about your illness, the more you will mock it, and those shadows will become brighter.  Eventually you'll be living in your own light.  Without the darkness and sorrow that this particular form of mental illness brings with it. 
If need be, speak to your doctor.  Believe me when I say this - Most doctors know a LOT more about mental illnesses than you do.  And, if they don't, they'll be more than happy to refer you to someone who does.  There is always more than ONE way out of a room.  Keep that in mind.

Keep smiling!!

Teaser.....

Here's a bit of a teaser for you.  Believe it or not, I spent most of today in front of my laptop, and this is all I could string together.  It's harder than I thought, and clearly, not as painless as I had anticipated.

Please keep in mind, that this is a FICTIONAL work. 
When everything is said and done, I'll have the link for you to read/purchase the finished product.

The prologue:

September 9^th, 2009 was said to be the happiest day of his life. Tom Dawson and Ashley D'Ambrosio were newlyweds. Everything in their lives were now perfect. Everything was complete. They were both ready and clearly willing to spend the rest of their lives together.

However, less that two short years later, on June 28^th, 2011, Tom's life would change. Ashley had decided to leave him, for a long lost ex-boyfriend. The following days weren't pretty. Not really knowing where Ashley had gone, or why she chose to leave so shortly after moving perplexed him.

Falling on the old fail-safe of his past life, he found that void temporarily in the arms of woman after woman, after woman.

But, that's not what this story is about. It's about one particular woman. A woman who saw Tom's vulnerability and kindness, then took careful aim, and took full advantage of it, then threw him under the bus.

Canada Day, April Wine, & Running The Ridge

So, my week with my son has come to a close (hence why I haven't been posting for a while). 

I don't get to spend as much time with my boy, as I'd like.  So, we took full advantage of our time together.  To start, on Canada Day, we went to his very first rock concert (April Wine),

and enjoyed a great fireworks display at Blue Mountain.  As it turns out, my son really enjoyed the show, despite him choosing for us to sit about fifteen feet away from ten foot high speakers.  At the end of the show, we were both nearly deaf, but that didn't stop us from enjoying the spectacular fireworks display at the top of the resort.

It turns out my son absolutely loves everything about Blue Mountain.  As a result, we spent several days out there this last week.  Nothing makes me happier than seeing my eight year old have a good time.  My son, and my step-children seemed to go crazy for the Ridge Runner.  One ride, turned into five.

Ridge Runner

 Yes, I had a fantastic week with my boy, and the two members of my new family.  There were many moments throughout the week, I felt I didn't need to take my medication.  However, I'm still not brave enough to try that. 
On Monday, I'm back to work.  I thoroughly enjoyed my weeks vacation.  I spent as much of my free time as I could being busy.  With my son, my step-kids, and my fantastic girlfriend/wife. 

I did a little cruising through one of my old social media accounts, I see that my psycho ex-girlfriend is still stalking me online.  I have yet to figure out why that is, but really, in the long run, it doesn't much matter.  It has however, motivated me to finally get around to writing that book I've been toying with for nearly two years now.  The trouble is, I just need to find the extra time to do said writing.  I'll keep you posted though. 

Ridge Runner

I learned many new things this week, also.  Those who you think are trustworthy, and above board, generally aren't.  But those are things you need to learn as you grow older, and a little wiser.  The root of all things that are evil in my life really start with one person.  One action.... Or a collection of actions.  But, I'm getting over that.  I'm moving on.  However, I truly feel sorry for that one, single person.  As they still seem to be dwelling on me.  But, that's their choice, not mine.  Then again, that's what said book will be about. 
I'm off for now.  I'll keep you posted as often as a can.

Keep smiling!

 

Father's Day Redux

It's been a while since I've posted anything here.  It seems that people from all over the world are now finding their way to this blog.  I find it rather exciting, actually.  The idea that my mere thoughts can touch others all around the globe is quite humbling.

Yesterday was Father's Day here in Canada.  It was a very fun, and enjoyable day.  I spent it with my new family, and spoke with my son on the phone.  To be honest, it was quite a rewarding day.  I really couldn't have asked for a better day, or a better family to be a part of.

So yes, as you can tell, I've been in an incredible mood lately.  Despite being incredibly busy, and rather sleep deprived, I've still tried to find time to write to you on here.  Although, I've neglected my other blog much more than I have this one (http://stekelsview.blogspot.ca)

I have of a lot of pretty important things coming up this week, also.  My wonderful girlfriend and I have some talking to do regarding our future (such as where we're going to live, etc....  NOT what you're thinking). 

I'm also really excited about work.  I actually truly enjoy my job.  The only drawback with it is, it's a 40 minute drive to and from work.  Which means really early mornings, or really late nights.  Depending on which shift I'm on.

Summer is almost here, and I still haven't really started on that book I've been thinking about for almost two years now.  Maybe if I have some free time in the future, I'll get working on it.  Trust me, the FACTUAL story (based on actual events) will not only blow YOUR mind, but will probably open a lot of people's eyes on how things work in Canada, and what are clearly triggers for Depression.  Also, how I dealt with my Depression, and the steps I took toward recovery, or simply just coping with it.  Because one never truly 'recovers' from Depression.  Similar to how an alcoholic is ALWAYS an alcoholic.  Know what I mean?

Well, it's time for me to start thinking about making supper for the family..... Until next time:  Keep smiling!! 

Changes......

So, the last week or so has been quite hectic and busy for me.  A relationship between two dear friends seems to have fizzled out.  That came as quite of a shock to me, but then again, in hindsight, it kind of makes sense.  But really, hat can you say?  All things happen for a reason. 

As for me, and my outstandingly patient girlfriend, things are always looking up.

Like is always getting better for me.  I'm just TWO weeks away from landing a full-time job, that I've been working at for the last three or so months.  That makes me quite excited.  Once I have the stability there, looking forward will be much easier, and much brighter for myself, and my family.

Even while suffering from Depression, one would think that stability is a good thing.  More often than not, I find it is.  However, the odd little change-up[ is sometimes required.  But, to be honest, I can easily see myself working this job for the next fifteen to twenty years.  Yes, I enjoy it that much!

My job basically keeps me busy.  Keeps me out of the house for forty-plus hours a week.  Which, believe me, is fantastic!  The last thing I would want to do is sit around the house, just thinking.  I've done that before, and it's OK for the first few days.  But after that, I tend to get Cabin Fever.  Even though I'm a self proclaimed 'hermit', I still like to get out from time to time. 

So, that's my advice for the day:  Try to get out of the house.  Interact the the 3D world.  Meet new people.  Have fun.  Play!



Keep smiling!!

HOPE

So it's been a few days since I last posted here.  I've been happily busy with work, and a much better home life. 
I keep having Good Day after Good Day at work, and at home.

I can honestly tell you that I don't miss those dark days that used to be my life.  Waking up everyday not knowing what the day will be like.  But, deep inside already knowing it'll be a Bad Day.

Using the very dim light I occasionally found on those dark days, I did plenty of research.  Trying to find ways (without the use of mind altering chemicals), to battle my demons, and win.... Or at least survive to fight them another day.

After a few months of trying everyday to battle my demons, and barely winning, my now ex-girlfriend did the absolute worst thing she could ever do to someone suffering from Depression.  
Needless to say, I went right off the deep end, and there were many days I was closer than I ever thought I would be to ending it all.  I kept my pain quite well hidden from everyone close to me.  However, I did make an appointment with my Family Doctor for a 'Mental Health Check-up'.  Within minutes of seeing me, me not being able to speak a full sentence, and with tears running down my cheeks, my Doctor wrote me a life saving prescription.  

About two and a half weeks later, it was like I became a new man.  Or rather, I was back to being my old, cheerful self. 

It's been about a year and a half since my life turned upside down.  I'm now in an exceptionally happy place.  I like with three people whom I love very much.  I see my son as often as I wish, and have a job I thoroughly enjoy. 

On a side note:  There is a reader who is anonymously commenting on this blog.  Please contact me through my email, and we can talk there.  skelly1178@live.ca
Keep smiling!

"Never underestimate the pain of a person. Because in all honesty, everyone hurts. Some people just hide it better than others."                  ~ unknown

Happiness is....

I know it's been quite a while since I last posted, but I've been incredibly busy (work), and sleeping.

I've been keeping to my regular daily routine, and taking my medication every day.  I've been feeling wonderful lately. 
As of lately, I have no complaints.  I've recently received a new follower on Twitter.  A Canadian music celebrity, who also suffers from Depression.  I was actually quite honoured when I got the e-mail that she was a new follower of mine.

Like I've said many times before, it looks as though the days of battling my demons are behind me.  Although, I don't know if that's just because of my medication, or because of my lifestyle changes.  I am living with the most fantastic girlfriend in the world, with the most wonderful kids in the world.  Notwithstanding my own son, whom I speak with regularly, and see regularly, too.  So, needless to say, I'm a VERY happy guy! 

I really don't know what more to write here.  I'm no longer waking up everyday, worried if it will be a GOOD day, or a BAD day.  For the last several months, everyday has been a GOOD day. 

The best advice I can give to you is; don't worry about being happy again.  Don't fret because you've almost forgotten that feeling.  You'll find happiness again.  You'll be content again.  It may be doing something as simple as a slight lifestyle change.  The one thing that changed my life around, and I believe this wholeheartedly is:  My fantastic girlfriend, and her/our children.  To me, life is damned near perfect with them around me. 

That's all it takes.  A simple, little change in your life.  Maybe not finding a new mate.  Maybe a new job?  Or quit smoking, or drinking?  A seemingly small or 'nothing' change in your life, could be the most important thing in the world to you.  You may never know.  Or, you may opt for mind altering chemicals, like I did.  But find later that it's the need of having an individual around.  I'm still not brave enough to stop taking Cirpalex.  It may not make that much of a difference.  However, that's not a risk I'm willing to take....  Yet.

Changing Routine

If you recall, the other day, I said I like routine.  I live for routine.  Hence why I work in a factory.  Doing the same thing, over and over.  I thrive.
However, the nice people at my work has gone and changed things up a bit.  I'm still doing the exact same job, just on a different shift.  With new co-workers, but in the same surroundings. 

So, not only am I pretty angry/upset that I have been changed shifts, but I'm also concerned about all the new people I'll be working with.  I've gotten pretty close to a handful of the people I already work with daily. 

In case you haven't yet noticed, yes, I'm panicking quite a bit.  This is a new/odd sensation for me, since I DON'T panic.  So, now I don't know what to do?  And, to make matters worse, for the second week in a row, my pay cheque didn't get Direct Deposited into my bank account.  Now I have to drive n hour out of the way, on my way to work, just to pick up my hard earned money.  Kind of sounds like the world is against me lately, 'eh? 

But, there's an upside to this:  It's Friday.  My work week is over.  I have to go into work tomorrow (Saturday), though for some training on a new machine.  After that, I'm off to pick up my son for the day, and for the night.  With the girlfriend and kids gone for the weekend, it'll be the first time in a REALLY long time I'll get to hang out with my son, alone.  No other distractions.  This is something I know he really needs, and I think I need it too.  I think it'll definitely be good for my weary mental health.

Keep Smiling!!